Your Heart Is My Limit
by Commonfangirl
Summary: Set in season 4. Will I ever cross that limit? Will I ever let myself love you again?
1. Chapter 1

It is true that fresh starts often give you the excitement and expectations of something new that will ultimately make you happy. They also give you a bunch of unrealistic reasons to crave for what you had before. Fresh starts are tests that make you choose between old fondness and uncertainty, mystery. It truly depends on what you want, on what you feel. Depends on what you already love or learn to.

* * *

"Alright kids, show me what you've got. Five, six, seven, eight! Welcome to NYADA. This is Dance 101, my name is Cassandra July and if you are not suffering from severe body dysmorphia, then you don't want it enough!" Everyone was absolutely terrified, she could feel it in the air. "Let's get this straight freshmen, maybe there are two of you in this room that are good enough to make it in this business. As for the rest of you; thank you for paying my rent on my loft in SoHo!"

Cassandra July, failure legend of Broadway. Rachel was trying to think why she really wasn't familiar with the face, while trying not to listen to the ruthless teacher having a very unpleasant conversation with the girl in front of her, calling so girl "muffin-top". Rachel couldn't help but role her eyes, she really loathed bullies, couldn't stand them. Her experience at McKinley had been more than enough proof for her to realize that they just thought they were better than anyone else, but in reality they were just full of shit. And apparently she was one of the few people with this point of view in the entire state of Ohio and now plus New York City, whose natives thought being rude was like a second nature to them. Then she could be proudly called the small-town-girl from Lima, Ohio, with the suitcase full of dreams and glitter, only if that meant she was not a bully. But part of her dream was to become a true New Yorker and so, she had to take it and suck it in, like she had when the teacher caught her rolling her eyes.

"I'm sorry, did my conversation with 'muffin-top' offended you?" Rachel had to deny it, this was bringing memories back. Cassandra July looked like an older and more tired version of Quinn Fabray and acted like Quinn's self pre-pregnancy, mixing both, Rachel thought, you get every insecure girl worst nightmare.

"What's your name?"

"Rachel." She said gasping for air, maybe ballet class and the elliptical back in Ohio didn't help her much with the New York standards.

Rachel wasn't offended by the David Schwimmer nickname, she had taken much more creative insults about her nose, but still. When the teacher brought up the theme about being a big star back in Iowa and then insulted her home town when Rachel mentioned it, she really did feel intimidated. She wanted to get in every teachers' good graces but she didn't seem to be getting into this one's.

Rachel Berry had always been driven to excellence, naturally this characteristic tended to put her on the top of the list of everything she did. She was used to being the best and this usually annoyed the hell out of some people, sometimes it annoyed her too. But this was something else, this was university, and no matter what people thought or she thought, Rachel was going to give her best, she was going to be the human representation of perfection when it came to the arts.

"Higher" the teacher yelled behind her shoulder. Sure, she had been preparing for this class all summer, and it wasn't as if she had zero experience in dancing. But this was a lot and with too much pressure at once. Rachel fell to the ground, not really surprised about nobody checking up on her well-being, but entirely shocked when the teacher leaned down.

"I don't need any help." Rachel said embarrassed waving the teacher away, she could get on her feet by herself.

"No, no, sweetie, I'm not coming down here to help," Cassandra said softly, almost caring. "I'm coming down here to give you a big New York City welcome. You suck."

* * *

You suck. Why would those words have such a big effect on her now? She had received them all four years of her high school career by practically the entire student body and even some of her teachers, including her boyfriend who had said those words to her face. Still, she had always dreamt about how everyone would always tell her how great she is at what she does, and have more than one person acknowledge all of her hard work when she finally got to NYC. But the complete opposite had happened more than a couple times, first when she gave a hobo a ten dollar bill and asked for nine dollars back, that hadn't hurt that much.

However, being told that, by a respected teacher at NYADA, it had hurt her ego badly, and she could already feel her self-confidence starting to get lost in the woods of her head that had always been her interminable insecurities. The only person she had met with an ego big enough for none of these bad comments to get through, was lost in the uncertainty of somewhere. She had last seen him at Nationals in Chicago; she had been real comfortable talking to him, but her devoted love for Finn had only allowed her to be just that. Comfortable. That was her last thought about him.

While watching Jacob Ben Israel's blog, she wondered, besides, wasn't Jacob supposed to be in college now? Anyway...she wondered, where would Finn be? She hadn't heard from him in two, it was mildly devastating, mostly worrying, nobody knowing his whereabouts, but she knew he was fine, probably in the army, or probably not.

She tried not to think much about him, it gave her homesickness, because with the thought of Finn it came the memory of New Directions and this equals home so, not thinking about her ex-boyfriend (boyfriend?). None of them, that is.

Her roommate was nice, she sounded nice, and that was saying much. Rachel tried to bond with her the day the dorms were assigned, but the following day the girl had arrived with a big curtain that divided the room in half. Rachel wasn't sure if it was because she wanted nothing to do with her or because she desired more 'privacy' when bringing company to their room. But it hardly mattered, she hadn't precisely come here to make friends, she was here to make her dreams come true and for her inner-star to shine as bright as it could. And if that meant being once again lonely on top, so be it.

She could feel how _the_ original Rachel Berry was coming back to her. With all the boy drama that had took her in for the past three years, she had tragically forgotten her mantra _: 'being part of something special makes you special'._ During high school she had forced herself to change the ' _something'_ for ' _someone'_ and that sounded pitifully crashing to her now. But the past was written, and there was nothing that could be done. Instead of making a pity party for what couldn't be changed, she started building her stardom future on her mind, she was just starting but if everything went according to plan the outcome would be everything she had ever dreamt of.

Her elaborated morning ritual had caught the eye of the majority of the crowd in the common bathrooms at the beginning of the term, few people there left their opinion lingering in their minds rather than spit it out like the others. After that she figured that showering at 3am wasn't so bad, she had the whole bathroom to herself and could take the time she needed for her moisturizing routine without having to bare all the judging glances.

On Wednesday there was a shower running, it wasn't so unusual, few people struggled with the same issue as her, but they still were a considerable number.

She had just finished settling her entire collection of products and creams when she heard that voice. The voice that sometimes popped up in her head, in what context, she wasn't sure or not able to admit it. Rachel hadn't listened him sing in almost two years, back in the McKinley auditorium, and remembered how he used to woo her with it, and how hard it was to fight it.

She had to be sick and hallucinating, it didn't make any sense; he had no business being there. In her dream school. In her life.

But as she heard again his voice and saw a wave of wet curls not being caught by the upper edge of the door, she knew she had to be dreaming, and then the sound of the water flowing stopped. She ran away towards the mirror again before the shower door could be totally opened. Rachel considered there was still sufficient time to gather her things, run away and come in another time, maybe start avoiding the showers at 3am for now on _. Or maybe just stop showering at once, why don't you?_

No. She had to be strong and indifferent, the Rachel Berry she was trying so hard to get back, wasn't a coward, she was anything but.

The shower door finally opened, getting her back on track and she tried to mostly just pay attention to what she was doing, but she wanted to confirm it was _him_ and that it wasn't just the unlikely confusion with the incredible voice and the damp curls. She looked up through the mirror and his gaze caught hers in a millisecond of a moment. It was definitely him, Jesse St. James was standing close behind her in the common bathrooms of NYADA in nothing but a towel.

And she had to ask herself; why? As much as she wanted to believe there were valid motives for Jesse to be there, she was not very pleased, and for once it didn't matter. He was here for a reason, probably the same one as hers and it was totally fine. Absolutely fine.

"Rachel." The name left his lips without hesitation or wavering before walking towards the mirrors where his things were spread out too. She followed his hands with her eyes without saying a single word, but her eyes moved to see him again as a sign that she had acknowledged him, it was hard not to. He reached for his bag and grabbed the tin with the very expensive looking cream, but of course, leave it to Jesse St. James to have the whole world feel bad about what brand their cream is.

"Jesse." The name came out unsure, the letters strong enough but it still had a hint of surprise in the tone. She had to admit that his presence made her a little nervous.

He didn't seem to be surprised to see her or to have the attempt to talk to her while still applying cream on his handsome face. "What are you doing here?" She finally asked, deciding to put her curiosity to rest and get down to business, there wasn't any other way with Jesse St. James. Straightforwardness was one of the things he appreciated.

"Cleaning up?" She hadn't noticed how severe her words had sounded until he answered, but decided that it was something good. This was her fresh start and still her past very much seemed to follow her everywhere she went. She had the right to be angry, Rachel convinced herself of this.

"Don't tease me Jesse, truly, what are you doing here? In NYADA, I mean." His eyes let his own reflection and drifted to Rachel's.

"I suppose the same as you are." He was being so calm and indifferent; a side Rachel wasn't very used to. Jesse wasn't apologizing, he wasn't being rude, he was just being civilized. Why wouldn't he be? The last time they talked both had been nice to each other, leaving aside the nervous-rude break down Jesse had while talking to her, but it was who he was and she knew it.

"How did you get admitted? And... And when?" A lightning smirk broke in his face as if remembering something and then, faded just as easily.

"Actually, it was mostly because of you. I think, thank you." he said now looking at her directly, not through the mirrors reflection.

"Because of me?" Jesse St. James being thankful, it wasn't something you witnessed every day.

"Yeah," his smirk reappeared but she only got to see it directly for a moment before he turned to the mirror again, "and of course, my awesome talent and my four national show choir championships made the decision a lot easier." There he was, and a soothing laugh escaped them both. "No, seriously, if you hadn't gotten Carmen Tibideaux to Nationals, I would be unemployed and without any education whatsoever, so for real, thank you." She was still curious on the _how_ he got into NYADA but she nodded, smiling at him. And yes, he had always possessed impressive persuasion powers, she thought.

"What did you do, for her to get you in?" Jesse remembered the little speech about Rachel being a true star he gave Ms. Tibideaux and the woman remembering his audition. Jesse lived in the opportunity of the moment, he went for it, given that he had nothing left to lose. He knew Vocal Adrenaline were doomed the moment Rachel Berry opened her mouth and sang the first threatening notes of _'It's all coming back to me now'._

"Nothing important, really. I just told her I needed a second chance at life and she seemed to be moved. She gave me another chance at auditioning and NYADA was impressed I led a show choir to Nationals by myself," he caught a meaningful glance from her, "even if they didn't win."

"How could they have? They were up against the best team ever." And there she was, Jesse snorted and shook his head lightly. He noticed, and was glad, that she seemed to have more confidence to herself.

"Right, your set list seemed to have more than a few hours of preparation this time."

"Well this time we had it a week before the competition, and I recall setting dance moves a day before so, yes." Jesse laughed good-naturally.

Rachel took a moment to remember what must have been the best time of her life, picking up that trophy from the judge's hands and relishing everything that came with it; the applause, and the standing ovations. There was enough happiness and excitement to last a lifetime but, for Rachel it only lasted a few days, ending its period the moment Finn parked near the train station and pulled her pink suitcase out from the trunk.

"I know how hard it must've been." Jesse said, as if reading her thoughts. "I saw everything." She frowned softly at his confession.

"What did you see?" He was collecting his things now and keeping them inside his bag.

It still hadn't left Rachel's mind that he was just in a towel, considerably close to her, but the moment and his last words had dragged that fact out of her mind. He didn't seem affected to see her in a robe, or even be intrigued to know if there was anything underneath it, which there was.

"The cliché train scene, it wasn't of my taste, I'm more of an airplane cliché type of guy. But it was touching and amusing nonetheless." She had a vague idea to what he was referring to, but she didn't like where this was going if she was right.

"How do you know about that? And amusing how?" Her voice was starting to take defensiveness again.

"Rachel," he cocked his head lightly to the side and sighed, "do you truly believe you were the only person traveling by train that day? Your friends were blocking out people, me included. I _had_ to watch." The way he was talking to her didn't include the mockery of his before planted statement about how the worst moment of her life seemed funny to him. "Finn running to try and catch a train that runs at 130km per hour, it was humoring." He said frankly, she could tell he wasn't trying to hurt her, he was just talking the facts in his perspective and it was completely valid. He never kept anything to himself, he was honest. Except for a few times back when they were dating.

"Anyway," he said, in the lack of a reply from Rachel, reaching out for his bag, "it was nice to see you again. We should do this more often." He said, before turning on his heels and walking away from Rachel and soon enough the bathrooms. Leaving still with his brief explanation, a lot of questions in her mind.

* * *

 **This is a revised version of chapter one and I am going to keep revising this fic over time. I hope this is better written and with less typos. Thank you for reading. :)**


	2. The New Rachel Part II

"You're not just in my list Schwimmer, you _are_ my list." Her threatening voice had somehow broken every last bit of strength Rachel had been able to muster in front of Cassie. "Class dismissed."

Rachel now saw how stupid she had been for bringing up that she, her teacher, had alcohol breath, but she had. Rachel hadn't thought twice about voicing it, but now she regretted it.

Cassandra's 'Americano' performance was flawless to say the least. For several minutes Rachel stood there speechless as the rest of the class gathered their things and made their way out in small groups until there was just one person leaning on the doorframe. Rachel finally reacted to his presence when a hand was placed on her shoulder.

"What were you thinking?" She looked up to see a couple of gorgeous clear blue eyes staring at her thoughtfully and she instantly took away Jesse's hand to search for her bag in the corner.

"I don't know." The words were well thought through, she actually had no idea. In the past she had been impulsive and careless with her words, but over time she had figured she could control her lack of filter. At least, when it came to this particular teacher, who seemed to loathe.

"It was a nice dance, though." Jesse thought out loud as he watched her make her way back to him. Rachel took a deep breath before unconsciously taking a step closer to him.

"I didn't know you were in this class." She said, hopefully changing the subject, she had been embarrassed enough for today.

"I have the same courses you do, I'm a freshmen too, remember?" She nodded automatically, trying to smack herself out of her trance and putting more attention to his words. There was this peculiar something when she was with Jesse in her who always saw herself like that naive high school sophomore and Jesse as the experienced upper-class man. But she guessed she would have to get used to this.

"At least you don't get treated like _that_ by her." He tilted his head considering, he didn't think she treated any other student that way; her way of teaching was very unconventional, but Jesse guessed Rachel had simply hit a nerve somewhere.

He walked to the door then looked at her inviting her to follow, and she did.

"You know, she hit on me once." Rachel raised both brows at him, she was surprised but not that much. After all, she thought, Jesse looked like he did. She had been in complete and utter awe when she first saw him in person. He snorted beside her.

"Really?" She asked, although her question was useless.

"Yeah. She thought I wasn't a student or maybe just not a freshman, I guess I do look older than all of you babies. And I didn't corrected her."

"Why?" He smirked at her pointedly, knowing she would already be very aware of the answer. "Oh, I know, I know. You couldn't let the opportunity go, could you?" He chuckled casually and nodded.

"So, where's Kurt?" Now that Jesse had successfully taken away most of her mortification, the air around them was more relaxed, and she smiled at the mention of her best friend. She missed him like hell.

"He stayed back in Ohio." She replied while still walking down the halls. "He didn't get in."

She still couldn't believe it, Kurt was one of the most talented people she had ever known, when he opened his letter and said that he had been rejected, she was speechless. Being in New York all by herself, without the soothing company and wise advice from Kurt, made her feel nearly lost. She would be lying to herself if she said seeing Jesse here wasn't in any way tranquilizing, it was a familiar face in an ocean of unknown ones and it was very well welcomed.

She really thought they could give it a try at being friends, but then she thought of it again, Jesse and she had never been just friends; it was either they were a couple, or him coming onto her not very subtly, and also there was the unexplored territory of old acquaintances. But they could give it a try although it was a new field for them. There had to have been some friendship material when they watched and debated musicals back when they were dating, she thought. Or when they gave each other advice and pep talks, friends for sure did that, she knew for a fact.

"And Finn?" She sighed slightly. "I mean, I know he isn't here but-"

"He enlisted in the army." She interrupted, she didn't want to sound too abrupt, but these days that was the way she talked about Finn. One part of her-the loving one-was mad at him for not even having the decency to call her or send her a letter once in two months, not even to check up on her and the other part of her-the rational one-was thankful to him for letting her go to chase after her dreams. "We broke up." She could be almost entirely sure Jesse already knew that, but without her best friend being around, she needed someone to talk, even if that someone was Jesse St. James. "Or at least I think so."

There was a strong silence next between the two of them, surrounded by louder conversations of the passersby, and although there was a lot of noise, she could almost hear Jesse thinking.

"Are you okay?" She didn't expect an _'I'm sorry'_ from Jesse, after all, Finn and him hadn't gotten any lost feelings between them, but the fact that there was true concern on his words made a little smile break into her face.

"Yes, well, I think I am. I haven't heard from him in a while. I can't decide whether that makes it more difficult or less." She had to think, with Jesse by her side, about how she felt when he went away to California and she didn't hear anything from him in the better part of a year. It had made it easier to forgive and forget him without any actual news from him and now that she thought about it, maybe the same rule worked with Finn.

"Do you still love him?" The words snapped her out of her thoughts without notice.

It didn't feel like the kind of conversation you want to have in a hall with one of your ex-boyfriends. But she did want to have the conversation with someone and anywhere works, she thought. Lately the talks with Kurt over the phone were all about him, and she wasn't complaining. He had a lot on his plate to even put her own drama in there too, it wouldn't be fair, he had always put aside his own issues to help her and now it was her time to listen and advise.

"I think so, I mean, don't get me wrong, I love him with all of my heart, but...is it possible to love a person that much and not being in love with him that much. I don't know if it makes any sense." She placed a hand on her forehead, frustrated with her own inability to put her thoughts into actual words.

"It does, it actually makes a lot of sense." _Been there, done that_.

* * *

When there were no more halls for them to walk through and there was no more time to talk, they both walked on their own to their respective classes. Jesse was proud of himself because had listened to Rachel talk about Finn endlessly, and he had not flinched once. He had let her go for quite a while now; he will always be happy to see her, she meant a lot to Jesse, in more ways than one.

At nights he would catch himself thinking about her, not as much as he used to, but then again, he always thought of his high school years and inevitably she would always be part of those memories. One of the most important ones.

To be honest, he had been a bit surprised seeing Rachel there. When NYADA notified him that they had been delighted to receive his application and that he was invited to be part of this year freshmen class, he had been excited for what his future would bring and not a single thought of Rachel had visited his mind in that instance. And although he had been nearly certain of her acceptance, he hadn't been thinking about her then.

But then she was in the common bathrooms and it was enough for him to remember why Carmen Tibideaux had been at Nationals in the first place, and what or rather who had started his conversation with the woman. Rachel Berry.

He had to laugh at the absurdness of the spot that the girl held irrevocably in his life, no matter how much he tried to make distance between the two of them, there was always something that pulled them in, in at least a single conversation. He also chuckled, impressed, sometimes when he thought about the life or death rivalry he had held for years now with Finn Hudson, all for _the_ one girl that Jesse had learned a long ago was never going to be his to keep, she was nobody's.

The mutual hatred between Vocal Adrenaline and New Directions which at the end of the day would always end once they all got their diplomas, all that drama had always been useless. But those were the things that left marks in lives and made them worth being extraordinary, supernatural to others. And he wouldn't have it any other way. Of course there were things that he regretted, many of them included Rachel in their description, but he had apologized and everything was fine now.

When his improvisation class ended, he made his way to his next class, the one taught by Madam Tibideaux. The room was round, it made him fill kind of dizzy but it was beautifully designed. There were rows of seats and he sat down at the last one, almost at the edge, next to a girl he had seen in many of his classes; light blonde curls and big blue, noticeably scared eyes. The guy sitting to his right, greeted Jesse when he sat down, he knew him from several classes as well. The guy was calm compared to the girl on his left. He saw Rachel arrive and sit a row in front of him, he caught her eyes for a moment and gave her an encouraging smile, gesture she returned. The first class with Ms. Tibideaux was known for being merciless when it came to the teacher's opinion, all freshmen where supposed to be twice the good they had been at their audition. That was something he could be worried about, he hadn't practiced that much. Finally, Miss Tibideaux entered to the room with a skinny lady following her.

"Returning students, welcome back. New students, welcome to the round room." _How creative_. "The acoustics here are perfect and there are no corners, which means there is nowhere to hide in here."

If this was the woman's intent to intimidate them, he had seen lot better, he had done much better as well. However, when she began to explain about the freshmen debut taking place the present day, all of his mental critiques were thrown out the window.

Carmen sat down on the leather armchair in the middle of the front row and took out the list that had been handed to her by the lady following her minutes before. "Beatrice McClain." She called down and the girl that had been sitting on his left stood up and hurried to the front of the class.

"Hello, my name is Beatrice McClain and I'll be singing _'Ave Maria'_ , written by Franz Schubert." When the girl started singing, Jesse had to recognize she had a beautifully toned voice, not the best he had heard, not at all, but it was good. Apparently not good enough for NYADA, he had heard that sometimes people got cut along the semester, he had never imagined that at the beginning of the quarter that would happen, but there was nothing to be done.

He felt quite at home in NYADA, the mentality was much like in Carmel High, more specifically in Vocal Adrenaline. _To murder or be murdered._ That mantra still lingered in his mind sometimes.

The girl left the room crying and right away another name was called down, as if she was just eager to bring another person down. "Rachel Berry." He could see how Rachel flinched in her chair before she made her way to the front hesitantly. He heard Miss Tibideaux say, "Surprise me" and Jesse got truly anxious out of nowhere, he didn't think he'd get like this when it was his turn. He even leaned onto his knees a little.

"Hello, my name is Rachel Berry and I'll be singing _'New York State of Mind'_ written by Billy Joel and popularized by one Ms. Barbra Streisand." He had to smile widely. Barbra was classic Rachel Berry, and of course she was going to mention her idol any chance she got.

The beautiful piano keys began the song and he once again was delighted to hear Rachel sing, he couldn't take his eyes off her, he didn't think anybody in the room could. Her voice had always pulled people's attention towards her, no matter the situation, no matter what song she was singing. He felt himself swallow hard at the last part of the song. Rachel Berry still got it and he hadn't doubted that for a second.

* * *

"Hello?"

Kurt Hummel was walking down the hallways of McKinley High once again this week, glee auditions were his visiting reason this time. And he was holding a camera with one hand and a tripod with the other, he had to carry both things with one hand in order to answer the phone, but when he saw the name of his best friend light up the screen any trace of discomfort was erased from his porcelain face.

"Hey, Kurt!" She sounded in a hurry, he could hear the noisy streets on the background. "I miss you like crazy."

"So, that's why you've been calling me every three hours." He noted smugly.

"I just wanted to make sure that you're okay." He could hear the concern in her voice and also the slight uneasiness.

"I'm okay, I assure you. Let's talk about you this once, how've you been?" He was getting really tired of telling people he was okay, it started sounding like a cover up to him as well even though it was true.

"I'm great, I love it here, and my dance teacher worships me." _Liar_ "But I was also calling to feed you with the latest gossip." Her sudden change of subject made him analyze her voice further, but he couldn't quite manage to do it over the phone.

"Spit" he said excited while rounding the corner of the hall that finally led him to the double doors of the auditorium.

"You will never guess who's here..." Many names went through Kurt's mind, he was assuming the person was not famous, because if he was Rachel would have called squealing with excitement. She was rather calm but didn't sound bored, and that left him clueless as in whom was the person she was talking about.

"Patti LuPone?" He heard her laugh out loud.

"No, I wish." He had tried. "Jesse St. James." Rachel had just pronounced the familiar and intimidating name when he took his sit next to Blaine in the rows.

"What?! What is he doing there?!" He could feel all the glee club staring, but he didn't actually care, they were all very well aware that drama ran through his veins. Rachel laughed slightly again at his reaction.

"He's in NYADA." There was a small silence after. All Kurt could think about was his own application to the school. And how even Jesse St. James who had been lingering around his own high school glory days for some time, had moved on. "I first found out when I met him at the common bathrooms of the dorms. You can't even imagine my reaction when I saw he was only wearing a towel."

Kurt had to smile, imagining such a scene between the two of them almost made him want to laugh.

"Hey sweetie, I have to talk to you later, glee auditions are about to start." He said in a lazy attempt to end the conversation, Kurt didn't want to hear about the dorms and the classes, not Jesse St. James who he loved hearing her friend talk about because it made him want to mock her. That's what best friends are for, he thought. And all of that because he was absolutely stuck in life, he hadn't gotten into NYADA. But there were many things you could do in New York, if you truly wanted to live there. In a second, he was settled. His irreversible trip to New York wouldn't take too long to be executed. He was going to be a life over-achiever, even if his admittance to college was delayed by a couple of months. He could do this. Kurt Hummel was traveling to New York to make it his home.

* * *

Challenging the teachers hadn't really been Rachel Berry style, ever. She liked to think there were enough troubles in her life to even add academic issues. But this thing with Cassandra was getting kind of personal.

"You've got guts." Cassandra said, mocking. "I like that attitude in my students. That just means I will enjoy it even more when I'm making your life hell on earth."

Rachel had been threatened before, by _Lima losers_ like they liked to call them, but being threaten by an actual person that had lived Broadway was a whole other situation.

She had been spending a lot of time in Central Park, viewing through photos of Finn and thinking about her home, her house, her dads, her friends, all of the people and things she had left behind to come and take NYADA by storm. She missed a lot of things, she had been remaining strong mostly, only crying silently at nights in her dorm when and where nobody could see her break down. She had been reckless and she was planning on staying like that. Her talks with Jesse had been very helpful, and she was very thankful for the new found trust they had now. She still didn't know if calling him a friend would be okay; she had no manifested opposition to it, but she didn't know if it would bother him some way.

"Hey!" She heard his voice and turned around to see him while slowing down out of the classroom. "I wanted to tell you how much I liked your song the other day in the round room."

"Thank you, I didn't lack Barbra's emotional depth this time?" He grinned widely at the memory.

"Well..." He tilted his face and she punched him playfully on the arm. "No, you didn't, it was truly great."

"I have been waiting three years for you to say that." He laughed and placed an arm around her casually while still walking, she didn't let that one act go, that was something she had to consider later. But, friends did that too, right? Truth be told, she hadn't had a lot of male friends, straight male friends, that is. She didn't quite know how all the affection gestures worked, especially if said friend is your ex-boyfriend.

"Better late than ever, right?" She snorted at his words, and only smiled at him as a reply.

"Do you want to go for lunch? I'm starving." Was that an invitation for a date? She wasn't sure. She had learnt to decode the intentions of boys based on what tone they used and it wasn't until now that she figured she had only learnt how to decode Finn's voice. And Jesse and Finn were from completely different worlds. "As friends, I promise." He once again was proving his exceptional reading skills to her. She smiled sweetly to him and nodded.

"Okay, where would you like to go?"

"There's this diner just around the corner that serves vegan." He offered.

"Alright." They walked their way out the school and with Jesse's directions arrived to the diner. It was rather empty and they picked up a booth. After the waitress offered water, handed them the menus and they ordered they began talking.

"How are your dads?" He asked, smiling.

"They're fine, they are still calling everyday to check on me, it makes more bearable the homesickness." He nodded understanding, his days back in LA were a blur in his memory. His family wasn't as close as Rachel's but he still looked back at Akron and his house and he saw a home. "How are yours?" In spite of only meeting Jesse's parents once, Rachel had gotten a pretty good impression of the kind of parents they were: not very good ones.

"Oh, you know, I think they are still under the impression that I am a junior at UCLA." He said, and a small chuckle escaped him. Rachel couldn't tell whether or not it was genuine.

"Have you heard from Finn?" It was obvious he was uncomfortable with the topic of his family, so he avoided it and she did her best to flow over the topic too.

"No." She said looking at her fingers and twitching them until a hand was placed on top of hers.

"Don't worry, he's probably just being busy, I mean, I don't think they have a lot of free time in the army." He spoke, grimacing into a smile and playing with her fingers. She nodded and held the tears in her eyes, she had to be strong.

"Thank you." She almost whispered but because there was nearly nobody at the diner he was able to hear her.

"That's what friends are for." They looked at each other's eyes and smiled, there was her confirmation and she couldn't help but feel like maybe she didn't want it that much.

* * *

The car was parked in front of the airport, and suddenly it all was too real for him, he had fantasized about this moment for such a long time; and now that he had to say goodbye to his dad and walk in determined to start off fresh, he had no idea how to do it. This was his future.

The song Blaine had sung to him back in the McKinley patio had opened his eyes, there was nothing left for him in Lima. He had to go or either way his drive and spark would vanish in a second. He would miss his life as it was right now, even though he wasn't happy. He would miss his family and his friends, but he knew he couldn't stay there forever. It was the time to go.

"You're scared?" His dad asked him with a faint smile in the face.

"Terrified." He was also very much excited, it was written all over his voice.

"New York is filled with people like you; people who are different, you're going to feel at home." He gave Burt a smile and a hug and then got out of the car. "And if not, you can always come back...but you won't." He heard his dad whisper the last part and it shattered his heart, this was one of the reasons he didn't want to go.

"You truly are the world's best dad." He said before shooting a last smile at his dad and turning on his heels, walking towards the gate. His future was waiting.

* * *

There she was again, in Central Park, viewing through pictures in her phone of Finn all over again. She didn't know if it was in any way healthy. She was craving for something. A closure? A fresh start? None of those terms seemed to be the one she was looking for. At first she had been miserable, she was telling people they had broken up, in her head they had, but she couldn't quite put a word to their relationship status yet. Were they in a break? What were they in, anyway?

After a month passed and he didn't communicate with he, at all, she had assumed that it meant they had broken up, a month was too long of a time for just a break. She knew, that space was the thing he believed he was providing her, but she wasn't happy like this. She didn't like the uncertainty.

And that left her heart exposed to whatever came next. She was ready to move on, but deep within her, she knew that if Finn wanted to keep trying, she would follow him wherever and yet the small part of her that had been born the second she set a foot in New York, refused to follow anyone but herself. Finally, the tears of pure frustration and newly found confusion made their way down her face and she couldn't hold herself anymore. She called Kurt, she needed her other half desperately.

"Kurt?" She was sobbing now.

"What's wrong? You sound sad."

"I lied, I'm not okay. I miss you and I miss everything." She cried, she was tired of holding everything in. "My dance teacher is a monster and I can't even be in my dorm room because my roommate is sleeping with the entire school." She complained, drying up her tears as she could.

"Maybe you should move out and find another roommate." She had thought of that already, but who would possibly want to be roommates with her? Everybody hated her.

"Ha, yeah." She talked sarcastically.

"Turn around."

And in that moment, Rachel knew that everything would be alright again.


	3. Britney 20

"The tango. You have to have it in your arsenal, people. First you need to understand that it is all about sex. When you dance tango with someone you're seducing them. Partner up. We'll start with the abrazo, the embrace." Jesse shot a little, quirky smile at Rachel and was slowly making his way to her, but something stopped them both from walking towards each other. "No, not you, Schwimmer, keep practicing those jazz hands back in the corner." The teacher made her way to Jesse and gave a death glare to the girl who was on purpose standing next to him. "How about, St. James, you dance with me." Cassie placed a hand on Jesse's bicep and Rachel felt even more uncomfortable somehow.

"But Ms. July...I'm sorry, if I'm ever going to play Evita, I'm going to have to learn how to tango." Rachel addressed her teacher slowly, hoping to get in exchange a rational answer.

"You don't have enough sex appeal to pull of the incredible tango. You're awkward, tentative in your body and you move like you're ashamed of it." Jesse offered a soothing smile that quickly turned into a lazy grimace before being pulled away by Ms. July. "Okay, arms up! Follow Jesse and me. Five, six, seven, eight."

Jesse's expression clearly made Rachel think that he agreed with their teacher. She didn't know what to think of it, and all she wanted was for the class to be over already.

* * *

"I'm sorry about that," he said catching up with her in the hallways again. "I just couldn't say no to her."

"It's alright," Jesse gave her a look, "really." She smiled assuring him of her statement. "I just think that…maybe she's right? What if I lack all of those things and I can't make it out there?"

"Rachel, you are going to make it, I know so because you work hard for the things you want and if you truly lack of something, that won't be a problem, I promise." She smiled thankfully at his words, he did have a way with them.

"Thank you, Jesse."

"You want to grab a coffee?" he asked.

"I'm sorry, I can't. Kurt and I are going apartment hunting." She said with a huge grin on her face.

"Kurt?" He asked confused. "He's here?" With all the time catching up with Kurt she had forgotten to tell Jesse.

"Yeah, he got here three days ago. He has been staying at some crappy motel and with the situation with my roommate..." Jesse chuckled, she had told him about the girl and the awkward situations when the random guy walked in and left, he had laughed his heart out. "Well, we decided to look for an apartment together."

"That's great, the only bad thing though, I'm not going to see you in the showers anymore." She smiled.

"So, the amazing Jesse St. James is going to stay in the dorms forever, huh?" She said walking down the stairs with him by her side.

"What are you talking about?" He asked teasingly.

"Right, how could I have forgotten? You're a trust-fund baby." She said mockingly and laughed.

"Yes, yes, laugh all you want, Berry. But that trust-fund is going to get me an apartment in Manhattan." He said with his usual cocky voice. She really got to be jealous of that, maybe being daddy's little boy had its perks.

"So you are moving." She said interested.

"Next week actually, Im just closing the deal." He said sighing. "I just want to get out of this dorms, my roommate is getting high all the time and keeps his socks by color, I mean, what kind of person does that?" She laughed and then put on her worried face.

"Oh-oh, sociopath."

"That's what I thought." He looked around casually and then spoke. "Rach, don't look now but I think there is a very pale boy following us." She frowned.

"Very funny, St. James." Kurt Hummel spoke up as he approached his best friend. "Come Rachel, we are late." Kurt said reaching for her hand. She gave Jesse a quick hug and a soft "goodbye" and let herself be pulled away by Kurt.

"What, you two are like, best friends now?" He said walking faster.

"Oh, don't be jealous Kurt, you are my only best friend." She said tying her arms around him and laughing.

"Well, I freaking better be."

* * *

"Oh! New York Domino's is so much better than Lima Domino's." Rachel said leaving her slice of pizza on top of the carton for a moment.

"It's the water." Kurt spoke looking around the big apartment. She pulled her knees to her chest and considered asking one more time, he could have heard of him in the last few hours, she thought.

"So, have you heard from Finn at all?" Her eyes were expecting and she felt so ashamed of being so childish about Finn, she wanted to be an independent woman who didn't need more than her drive and determination, but she was slowly getting to realize that she wasn't, she hadn't been for a long time now.

"Not since you asked me yesterday." He said smiling at her soothingly. "He's just giving you your space." He said slowly.

"I know." She sighed, the worst part was that she came to like that space and hate it so much at the same time.

"Want to feel nostalgic?" She smiled as a response. "Blaine said they're doing Britney Spears again in glee club. Mr. Shue must have ran out of ideas."

"Oh my god. It feels like so long time ago since we've been in the choir room" she grinned, all those moments and memories implanted in one single room. Rachel sometimes woke up in the morning believing that she was on her way to high school and that at the end of the day she would have the opportunity to be with her best friends in the world and sing, all blinded from the future that would tear them apart.

"We are living in the future, Rachel. Speaking of which, my plan." Kurt breathed long and she nodded.

"Okay, go."

"I'm going to re-audition for second semester at NYADA." He said excited. "In the mid time, I'm going to apply for a job in the only place I feel will truly appreciate my sense of style and sophistication. Vogue." He said adding seriousness to his voice. "I know it sounds crazy, but in a way I'm almost glad I didn't make it in my first try. You know, I've really learnt a lot about myself for the last couple of months." She wished she had had that time to take in all the things that had happened without notice in her life.

All Rachel had was a system, one where there'll be no time in her schedule to revise her life, only her dance moves and how long she could carry a note. Focus, Kurt said, she could use some of that, the focus she lacked at some classes and it was all the blame of that engagement ring that was no longer on her finger. She was relieved, she admitted to herself finally. She couldn't imagine being married right now, in this point on her life, in her new life. It made her feel like all the wrong choices were turning into luggage that she would have to carry with her forever.

"My dance teacher just won't let up on me. The other day she told me I wasn't sexy enough." She had never seen herself as 'sexy' but she didn't feel she was _that_ bad, bad enough for ending up without a partner to dance tango with.

"Maybe you shouldn't wear a bra to the next class." He joked.

"And take all the attention away from the Ms. Cassie July? She'd flip, I can't stand her." She wished she didn't have to take that class, all there was were insults and physical injuries.

"She wants sexy, give her sexy."

* * *

Jesse was running late for dance class, he had set his alarm wrong and now he was rushing and pushing people so he could make it to class on time. The last thing he wanted was to make Cassie angry, no, nobody wants that. He had filled her star-student position for his class and he wasn't planning on letting that down. He had to admit that the classes at NYADA were a bitch. Mostly the dance ones, fortunately for him he had been trained for four years to move over dehydration and exhaustion, but there had been two years since then and it was definitely not the same. His body still managed to do all the amazing choreographies and the exercises he had been taught in Vocal Adrenaline, which was an extra advantage for him.

When he got to the class, the double doors were wide open, the lights were off and smoke was flouting out of the room. This school was just getting weirder and weirder by the day.

He walked in and _'Ops I did it again_ ' was at the middle of the song. There were a lot of people moving tables and flashlights and then he saw her like he had never seen her before. She was wearing some kind of...if it was not lingerie, it had to be a very slutty dance suit. He would have loved to see any other girl dance and dress like that, but not Rachel. All the things that once led back to her had been sweet and innocent. This girl was not Rachel Berry.

He listened to Rachel's words carefully as everybody around Cassie and Rachel were. He was just leaning on the corner next to the door.

One thing was to step up for yourself, but actually going there and call one of the most severe teachers he had had the pleasure, yes, _pleasure_ to meet, a YouTube joke. Well, that was something you didn't do.

The room felt so awkward when Rachel left and the teacher dismissed everyone else, saying she didn't want to work until all the staging smoke was gone. He was relieved that he could go after Rachel, Jesse reached out to her and took his jacket from his bag, placing it on Rachel.

"Hello, sexy." He said with a smirk and she took his jacket off her shoulders letting yet again her body be exhibited for all the ones that wanted a look. "Rach, come on, aren't you cold?" He said placing his jacket on her again, she didn't shrugged it off this time and he felt so relieved. "What was that all about?" He asked rounding her shoulders with his arm.

"She said I wasn't sexy enough, I wanted to prove her wrong." She spoke angry and sad as she sat down on a couch at the lobby, wrapping herself in Jesse's jacket, she really was cold. He snorted.

"Oh, Rachel Berry, you stubborn pain in the ass." He said smiling at her. "You think that if you weren't 'sexy enough'." He said quoting with his fingers. "I would have switched schools all those years ago?" She frowned confused.

"What?"

"You said you didn't want to do _it_ because it would have been like betraying the team so..." She opened her eyes, apparently outraged, but she was anything but.

"I cannot believe you," she said dramatically and pushing him away. "All men are the same." She stepped up from the couch indignantly and walked away. He chuckled and followed her right suit.

"Come here drama-queen." He said reaching for her arm and pulling her closer. "I was eighteen and stupid."

"Yes, I think we can all agree on that." He rolled his eyes, laughing. She shrugged his hand away once more and walked away again. "If you are not going to talk to me ever again, can I at least have my jacket back?" He said teasing and walking towards her.

"No." She yelled before waking out the doors of NYADA and he sighed. Then he remembered how Rachel was dressed, he wasn't about to let her walk like that in the streets alone so he followed again.

"Hey Rach!" He practically ran towards her and when he reached her, Jesse put an arm around her and squeezed her almost possessively, shooting death glares to whomever dared to look at Rachel more than once.

"What are you doing?" She said laughing.

"I'm walking you home."

* * *

They arrived to the apartment softly joking to each other. He had been real frightened because of the area they lived in. And concerned because of Rachel's clothing choice for overproduced dance numbers. He couldn't quite actually complain or even mock that. You searched Jesse St. James on the Internet and all you'd get was that; overproduced dance numbers and all of them built around him and his voice.

Rachel opened the door that was unlocked and seemed pretty easy to open, he didn't mention it. The apartment was really big, it wasn't furnished yet, it had several plastic bags all around and a couple of opened suitcases here and there but between all that he could see something great. He knew Kurt would be the one on charge of styling it up and so he had no doubt that in a couple of days this place could really look like home for both Rachel and Kurt.

"This place is huge." He pointed out, still with his arm around Rachel.

"Yeah, we could either get this or shoebox in Manhattan." He nodded and kept looking around while Rachel freed herself from his arm and walked towards a pink suitcase and opened it looking for something.

His eyes finally landed in a wall and he leaned his head right before snorting lightly. ' _Finn_ ' and two big hearts surrounding the name all painted in white, green and yellow. He thought white would suit the space. Either way something sunk in when he imagined Rachel painting it, and he pursed his lips. Finally Rachel spotted him looking at the wall and she felt awkward and embarrassed. She had absolutely forgotten about that. She didn't want Jesse to see it, she didn't want anyone to see it. Her one big weakness at the time written in the wall for everyone to see.

Rachel remembered her talk with Kurt the night she painted that on her wall.

 _"What do you think? Am I being too obvious?" she questioned as he finished enveloping the name with a heart_

 _"He hasn't call you because he loves you." She knew that phrase had its logical truth but, when replaying it in her brain it made absolutely no sense. "Your freedom is a gift he's given you, accept it."_

It wasn't as easy as Kurt had made it sound. Rachel had never been one to appreciate loneliness, and her freedom came with it.

"Has he called yet?" He asked freeing his eyes from the amazingly torturous sight. She shook her head and grimaced. She was holding clothes in her hand and she made her way to the bathroom so she could change.

She looked at herself in the already hanged mirror, she looked very flashy, she could admit that, and the matter was cleared as in the why Jesse wanted to walk her home. She smiled at that, he cared about her, he still did after all of the crap they had gone through; they had both hurt each other in their personal way and in spite of that he truly cared, as in like a real friend, she convinced herself.

Rachel wiped off a little of her makeup and changed the dark dance attire for her blue skirt and a gray sweater and she exchanged her gold necklace for the 'Finn' one as if it was a protection amulet against her temptations. She sighed deeply and took one last glance at her reflection in the mirror before heading out the door.

Jesse was sitting on the floor, leaning against one of the wooden columns with his eyes closed and humming with his headphones on. She hadn't realized she had taken that long to get changed. She made a warning noise closing the bathroom door and he opened his eyes directing his gaze towards her. She sat down next to him. Jesse smiled at her after taking a look at what she was wearing, placing quiet attention to her necklace and frowning before taking his earphones off.

"So, you have Finn on your wall and on your chest, it makes me feel kind of jealous for the lucky bastard." He said teasingly, smirking as she rolled her eyes at him.

"Kurt says he hasn't call me because he loves me." She said a bit sarcastically. Obviously, Kurt hadn't done a great job at convincing her of it.

"Well, if I may, that makes no sense." She looked at her shoes for a while, taking great interest on the way they looked from her perspective.

"I know, and apparently freedom is what I'm getting as a treat for not hearing from him for three months."

The last thing she wanted was to sound pitying and yet she was, to her ears. She wasn't throwing herself to the floor just to be raised, she was truly just confused, and everyone knew she wasn't the best at this situations.

"You shouldn't be going through this." He said reaching out for her hand and his bittersweet gaze met hers for a moment, he sighed before looking away. "But you are." He spoke toying with her fingers, the action relaxed him and maybe her as well. He didn't want to fall into bad habits again; Hudson would always win the battle when it came to Rachel, and he knew this. He had moved on and, still, when he looked directly into Rachel's eyes it felt as if he hadn't. It was ridiculous.


	4. Makeover

There was something refreshing about working instead of studying, Kurt noticed. As for once he was being paid for judging outfits and being the assistant to one of the people he had always admired since he knew of her existence. It was truly ego boosting when Isabel Wright praised his portfolio, which only included various pictures of some clothes he had put on together and some garments he had made either from scratch or reutilizing some other useless cloth.

It was his first time in a meeting, not actually in it, but close enough to the action; he stood there and wrote down everything that seemed important. He was there to write whatever brainstorming ideas they had down. But so far, everything he had on his agenda was a couple of boredom induced scribbles and a heart that had popped out of nowhere.

To Kurt, it seemed that they were stuck, and this happened time and time again in fashion, he knew that. And because of this he wasn't going to say anything out loud. Still, he tended to be a lot transparent when it came to his expressions, it was one of his true weaknesses.

He noticed Isabel's eyes moving left and right to her coworkers, urging them without any words that they said something; that this meeting could not finish off with zero new innovating fashion trends. However, said coworkers were either hangover or way in too deep in medications. Realizing finally, that it was useless.

Suddenly, one of the people inside the boarding room spoke up. "How about leather?" Nobody really seemed interested, the girl did sounded a bit high.

"Further explaining please." Isabel said. Out of every single person in the room, Kurt included, she seemed to be the most centered, down to earth, realistic person of all. And Kurt had to say he admired her for managing to stay part sane with the job she held.

"Like, leather but in unexpected places. Picture socks." The girl once again spoke up, and he could swear there was no way she could sound crazier.

If he wasn't allowed to speak inside, he could at least think of their ideas. It was way obvious that such an extravagant idea like leather socks, would be revolutionary but not tasty. And he didn't want to see the rise and fall of Vogue just because some girl thought tacky was no longer a thing.

"That is sick."

 _Oh thank god._

"But such a good sick. That's right people, lets think out of the box, I want ideas for the love of god."

Kurt didn't know what his plan of action should be, he clearly knew this wasn't a good idea, he didn't like leather most of the time, less of all in socks. But he had no voice in there, he was risking the chance at being fired and he didn't love that.

What he wasn't going to love either would be taking place in the day that would be known to history as the day style and good taste died.

Maybe he was just being dramatic.

* * *

Self-confidence wasn't something Rachel managed gracefully, and although she was always confident with her voice and her talent, it was never like this with her image. She guessed she would be forever traumatized because of all the bullying she suffered due to her facial factions, and her height, the way she dressed…

This time, as she was telling Kurt what happened was nothing different to high school; she was trying to take that invisible plastic cover away that always made her feel so damn insecure in her own skin.

"It was like I was being taken back to McKinley, Only Quinn and Santana were wearing ballerina suits." A wailing ambulance noise interrupted her, and she waited until it was completely gone to continue, this as she laced her arm with Kurt's, who was leading them down the street. "It's like a never ending nightmare." Kurt looked at her pointedly. "I'm being serious here."

She had told him all about her experience in being assaulted with insults by two juniors, whom seemed to have aging experience on the _How to Bring Rachel Berry Down Manual_.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. Honey, we have to let this things go. I don't know about you, but I don't want to live by this things my whole life. You have to stand up for yourself, or else you'll just be an easy target." He stated, having way overthought this for himself. He had suffered all of his life because people didn't like how he dressed or how he talked, or simply didn't like him being alive. And he overcame this.

"It's not so simple." Said Rachel, subconsciously looking at her clothes.

"Rach." He called, catching her at her own once over; he knew what this was. "You have to like yourself first for this to make an effect."

"I like myself." She protested instantly.

"Sweets, you can drop the act now, we are not in the glee club anymore and Mr. Shue isn't going to make an entire week about you." He paused. "We can talk, like normal people, we can make this as big of a deal as you want it to be."

Rachel smiled at her best friend, completely overwhelmed once again on how he seemed to know just what she needed to hear.

"I want to change the way I dress." She voiced. Somehow, it wasn't _that_ easy to say this; she had fought by herself for this for as long as she could remember. And she wouldn't have fought if she didn't love her clothes, if she didn't identify herself with those sweaters and those dresses.

Kurt smiled slowly at her words.

"Then it's a good thing I just got a job at Vogue, isn't it?"

* * *

All those dresses and makeup and songs had felt like a lifetime had passed in front of the mirror, they had finally finished her up. She looked at her reflection for the first time since they started throw at her clothes to try on and playing with her hair and makeup, that she couldn't believe it, they had made a complete new Rachel Berry, at least on the outside.

Rachel and Kurt got to their apartment once that night exhausted or at least Kurt was, until she heard him talk with Blaine, never too tired for love. They said their good nights and she closed her curtain, deciding to go through all of her old clothes in order to toss the things that were no longer needed or no longer wanted.

She walked up to her full body mirror and pulled her hair up she had tried extensions before but this was a lot of hair to get used to in less than an hour.

She opened her closet, which she had just bought and armed herself, where there were a bunch of bent sweaters and skirts. Rachel took a long, deep breath and closed her eyes, this sweaters and skirts and knee high socks were who she was, who she had been for as long as she could remember.

This clothes carried memories with them, some still had a few stings of slushy which never came out, no matter how much she tried. There were particular shirts, sweaters or bests like the one she wore in the first glee rehearsal or the one she was wearing when she gave her first kiss and the other first kiss, the one that really counted.

But as she had so blissfully thought earlier, this was all about the new beginnings and feeling fresh and confident like she had felt trying out all of those dresses at Vogue. That's how she should feel from now and on, that's how she should feel every single day of her life.

She took the clothes abruptly out of the closet and threw them to her bed, she stared at them for a while before deciding that she didn't want any of this anymore, absolutely nothing. She felt so wrong in her body for a second, she felt like she wasn't Rachel Berry and maybe somebody else was taking control of her choices. Her old self would have never even thought of tossing her reindeer sweaters and somehow to the person she was now it sounded perfectly logical and doable.

She threw everything inside a box and there was no turning back. She promised to herself that she would never let herself feel the way she felt in those clothes again; never feel the way people had made her in those clothes.

* * *

The classroom was empty, Rachel was doing some stretching and going over a set list in her head. The clicking of some footsteps she had long ago learned to recognize over the multitudes of shoes, made her open her eyes and smile up.

"Who are you and what did you do to Rachel Barbra Berry?" Rachel didn't stop stretching and bit her lip, not knowing how to answer him.

"You don't like it? I forgot I _had_ to get Mr. St. James' approval first."

She teased. Finishing up with her routine and turning back to see him slowly. He was smirking, as usual, but there was something else about his expression that made Rachel feel intrigued. Then, her eyes reached his and she was well aware of his open stare. Slowly, she noticed she had blushed.

"I mean, you _had_ to remember, Berry." He smiled and his eyes now were fully locked with her brown eyes. "You look very, very nice."

"Thanks." She said quickly. "I think it was time for a change."

"Well, its…you look amazing, Rach." He spoke, his words coming out with trouble, but at last he managed to form the sentence he was aiming for.

She smiled again, of course, it was something she did now, and without noticing. That whenever she and Jesse talked, Rachel was no longer thinking on what she said or how she moved around him, what she did around him. And it didn't bother her that he hadn't minded on hiding how amazed he was at seeing her.

"I'm finally free from the dorms." He said suddenly with a grin on his face and headed to the piano in which he then leaned on. Watching her pick up her stuff.

"Really?" Rachel asked. He stared at her without a word and Rachel looked to the floor, a bit flustered. Those blue eyes were something nobody could manage to hold for so long. "Jesse?" she called to him, trying to regain his complete attention again.

"Uh, what?" he blinked rapidly and caught up with the situation. "I'm sorry, I'm just getting used to this new you." She laughed nervously and shook her head at him. "And I will warn you, it can take a while."

"Are you sure? Or is it just an excuse to look at me all you want?" She placed herself in front of him, face to face. He just smirked confidently. "So, when can I come to give your apartment the Berry approval?" He laughed out loud, letting her flirty comment hang in the air. He had to remind himself time and time again that he did not want this anymore.

"Is that a thing?" He raised one brow quizzically. "Soon." Jesse answered any way, like a promise.

"What are you doing tomorrow night?" She asked out of the blue, which earned a curious glance from Jesse and a building smile.

"Why?" He questioned casually. He had a very probable idea of what her next words were going to be.

"I thought that… maybe we could watch a movie or something." As soon as her idea left her mouth and went flouting around until topping with Jesse's ears, she felt a hundred pounds lighter and a pretty familiar feeling stood in her stomach. Didn't care to acknowledge it, though.

He smiled, he had a pretty good idea of what his answer would be, too. No matter what he kept telling himself.

* * *

"Did I ever tell you that you were my favorite in that contest?" He said, grabbing popcorn from the bowl on top of her legs.

"Thank you, but I think it was a little obvious." Barbra was singing _'My Man'_. Even still with her comment, both their faces lighted up with a smile, but none was looking at the other "That contest was absolutely tricked then, you have to admit it." She continue, looking at Jesse out of the corner of her eye; he was smirking.

"No, well…I don't think it was, even if your teacher would've talked, at all, during the decision making. You were the best." He said in all honesty, not worried about bloating her ego even more and she smirked now at the TV.

"I like that you are letting them grow back." She said after the scene ended, reaching for his curls that now reminded her of when they first met.

"Really?" He asked, certainly amused at the way she got lost in the old habit of toying with his hair.

"Yeah."

He didn't want to look at her, with the way her words sounded to his ears; almost slow and tempting. And he was sure that if he looked at her face and her eyes, he wouldn't be able to restrain. And he had to, that if not for Rachel's sake, for his own.

Still, he heard his name come out of her lips and only at that command he dared to look at her gorgeous eyes, and the form of her smile, so fresh.

Her hands remained on his hair and were easily sliding down to his neck, she had been close already, but this time their bodies were so close, that he would've been crazy not to move a hand on her, or to at least consider doing so.

Her forehead moved to gracefully touch his, he could tell she was also hesitant on this but not as much as he was. As he thought this, his palms seemed to disobey him for a moment or two and moved to her waist, as he tried to feel her even closer to him. This was strange for Jesse, there was Rachel and willing to kiss him and he knew this, but he didn't want to trust his impulses.

Rachel, however, wanted the complete opposite. Their noses touched next, and it seemed like everything was moving so damn slowly alongside them, but it was sweet. She felt his lips for a second smooth and full of memories. But before she could experience any sparks, there was a knock on the door.

Jesse was about to sweat from anxiety, he almost blew it, but he almost got her.

They parted apart at the same time, a shy smile on her face. Fighting for their eyes not to meet, but once they looked up, they were locked. Until Rachel got up from the couch, still wide eyed and a faint tint to her cheeks.

"It must be Kurt, he's always forgetting his keys." She tried to say casually.

He knew it wasn't Kurt, that door could be easily opened without any need for a key, just two average strong arms and two hands. Whoever was standing on the other side of the door hadn't been at the apartment, ever. That made a bitter feeling burn on Jesse's chest. He didn't know if he wanted to be in there any longer.

She walked reluctantly towards the door and opened it with a strong pull. He could see how her small frame tensed immediately and once he stopped watching her reaction, he finally saw who the person standing outside the apartment was.

Finn Hudson.

How was it that Jesse always found himself in the same position with Rachel? It couldn't be any different with her, no matter his timing. He remembered clearly why was that he had pushed himself harder and almost impossibly so to move on from her. He didn't want to be the same old plot resource in the Rachel and Finn love story. He had thought that once and for all, he was ready to become her friend and stay out of her romantic life, but she always seemed to have other plans and he went through with them anyway.

He deserved better than some pathetic second best award in Rachel Berry's heart. And it had felt so final, when he had moved on from her, that he decided this had to be no more than a slip.

Finn smiled longingly at Rachel at first, but when his eyes landed on Jesse he scowled intensely and clenched his jaw. Yes, Jesse knew he had to get going now and so he got up quickly from the couch and tried to be as cool as possible, not wanting Finn to see the peculiar scene as something he would misunderstand later, something that would include Jesse kissing Rachel. Because he hadn't. Their lips never actually touched _that way_. And now that he thought about it better, weren't they broken up? At least Rachel had said so, of course, it didn't mean she was over Finn.

"What is he doing here?" Finn demanded looking at Rachel in the eye and pointing at Jesse.

"Finn..." Rachel started but before she could continue Jesse interrupted.

"I better get going now. Nice to see you again Finn. See you later, Rach." He slipped himself from the door ignoring Finn's threatening glare and gave Rachel a nod and an unsure smile. So untypical of Jesse.

He walked away from the open door as fast as he could, wanting to avoid any drama, which always seemed to surround Rachel wherever she went with the nonsense that is love.

He thought, walking out of the mistreated building, that he should have stayed a longer and maybe have a nice conversation with the two teens. But he couldn't imagine a more awkward scenario than the particular one right now. Before, he had been able to cope with all of this, because he didn't really care for what Finn would feel, but now was different. He couldn't tell if he was the one who was different or life had changed altogether.

Besides, Rachel had been waiting for this moment for a long time the one where she talked with Finn and stood up for everything and everyone they had ran over during their relationship, and without consideration. Jesse really hoped she had the same strength she had sworn to have in that specific situation.

He wanted Rachel to be happy this time around, and he also wanted his own genuine happiness. It had looked like he had accomplished that with Rachel being his friend. Perhaps, it was only when Rachel was in his life that he could truly be happy or not be.

* * *

"What is he doing here?" Finn's voice was like a slap on the face, an awakening one. He hadn't even bothered to direct a nice word to her before he started to demand answers for his questions. She turned around to see Jesse still sitting there, struggling with his thoughts. She had wanted to kiss him so badly, she had acknowledged his hesitation when she closed their faces together. But the knock had ruined everything.

If the one who knocked had been Kurt, Rachel would've murdered him later. But as it turned out, it was Finn Hudson. Her...boyfriend? She was almost certain you couldn't call a person whom didn't try to text you or communicate with you in short to four months, your boyfriend. It didn't feel so right to do so.

She was so mad at Finn for just stepping in and starting to ask questions all heated up as if it was his house. She had to stop his talking. "Finn..." She started and in less than 60 seconds she wanted to yell at him, right there, yell out all her frustrations and voice her repressed anger towards him right in his face, but another voice interrupted her before any of this could take place.

"I better get going." _No, don't go._ "Nice to see you again, Finn. See you later, Rach." She couldn't get herself to answer something next before Jesse was walking out of her sight and Finn's. Probably 90 seconds until he definitely left the building, and she was sure that she could catch up to him before he was gone. The thought was appealing.

"Rachel, what was he doing here?" His frown made wrinkles appear on his forehead, and only then did she take in his entire face his features scrunched and tired. She couldn't believe he was actually asking again. "Rachel?" She was just staring at him intently, trying to figure out what was _Finn_ doing there.

"Yes?" She replied finally, standing protectively at the door.

"Are you going to let me in?" He said, irked, somehow slightly calmer and looking over the apartment searchingly; his eyes wandered longer in the place Jesse had been sitting on, as if the spot would have some kind of undeniable evidence he could use in his own advantage.

She sighed, slightly worn, and stepped aside for him walk inside her home. He had a green army backpack on his back and a black bag hanging from his hand; Rachel was amazed at how those two similar objects made Finn look oddly unknown to her present world.

As soon as he was in, he tossed the bag carelessly to the ground and stretched his fingers out. She looked with detail at every movement he made, she looked at every moving muscle and then at the finding nothing wrong or injured in his body, she concluded, he had no usable or even believable excuse on completely disappearing from the world, her world.

"Why aren't you in your uniform?" She questioned, as soon as she noticed this. His eyes left the paused TV as he once again gave her his undivided attention.

"Because I'm not in the army anymore..." He explained about his accidental gun shot and his semi-honorable discharge and she felt intrigued and torn.

"Where the hell have you been then?"

"I went backpacking through Georgia for two months." He explained easily. He was embarrassed, he said. But he perfectly knew none of that mattered to her, she would have listened and wouldn't have cared about anything in the world if it meant having him by her side, but he hadn't called or written or nothing at all.

She couldn't exchange a look with him without rolling her eyes or scowling, she wanted it to stop but she couldn't do it. Rachel was extremely confused with all of this; Finn was here and Jesse had come back to her life recently too. She didn't know what to feel, or what to say to him for that matter.

"Rachel, what was St. Jerk doing here?" His voice, which earlier had been full with mortification, now was rather defensive and rude again.

"You can hold your act, he's no longer here. And he's my friend." She said quickly, not regretting even a single one of her words. Finn had always been jealous, but when Jesse was even on the same estate as she was, he got full on stalking creep, and his temper tended to tighten.

She analyzed the couch and the forgotten bowl of popcorn on top, the movie had ended now, the screen was black. It all looked like a very sad painting to her "We were watching a movie."

Instead of any other sentence in the world that Finn was able to mutter out, any other she had been prepared for; this one escaped his lips.

"You _can't_ be friends with him."

 _That was it._

"Finn, I'm really so sorry, but you can't tell me who to be friends with or who to be with for that matter. You lost that right the moment you left me at that train station." She started. "And in case you forgot his last name _is_ St. James." She was sick on thinking twice to what he said when she was with Finn. She could snap if she wanted to.

"Oh, so that's it, you are with him now? So much for friends." He hissed bitterly; his eyes were a little bit closed and focused on Rachel.

"No! Finn, I told you, Jesse and I are _just_ friends." She said, for the first time realizing that a small part of confidence in that statement had disappeared.

"I can't believe you, Rachel. You can't be friends with St. Douchebag!" She rolled her eyes, was it so difficult for him to just call Jesse by his name or at least his actual last name? Jesse had been completely mature, he hadn't called Finn by any of his old mean nicknames. "He made breakfast on your head!" He continued with his rant as if that would make any difference, as if this was new information to her.

"Yes, he did, three fucking years ago! And he apologized, thing you haven't done for letting me think you could be hurt for the last four months." Rachel stated sharply and took a long intake of breath, trying her best to calm herself down.

Finn was staring at her with his usual long lost face, he was fighting with his next possible reply.

"Okay, I'm sorry Rachel. To tell you the truth, I was ashamed; everything was going so wrong that I just didn't want to burden your new life here with my problems." She sighed, knowing that was the closest thing to the apology she had imagined getting. Finn was never good with words, but he tried his best and she did appreciate that.

"I get you, but if I'm being this understanding for you, you have to suck in the fact that Jesse and I are friends now, and it's going to stay like that no matter what you say or do." He looked away, stubborn as a kid that didn't want to accept that he'd lost the fight. Still, Rachel made him listen.

"Finn?" To her voice, he answered with a simple nod of resignation. And he did trust her, with everything he trusted Rachel; and even though his instincts told him to do otherwise, he nodded again his confirmation.


	5. The Break-up

Rachel woke up wanting to throw up, she could smell the eggs being cooked outside her room, and she could also smell the male scent coming from her side, which was not something she was used to. Or she had ever been for that matter.

Last night, after she talked to Finn about Jesse, she decided to let it go, to forgive Finn for not calling although she would never actually forget. She wanted to understand Finn, she thought that in a level she could do so; but once she tried to be empathetic and all of that, she was once again drawn to the same conclusion; if put in the same situation, she wouldn't have left the people she loved worrying sick for four months, just because of embarrassment.

But, at last, it was enough fighting and over-thinking for the night.

They went to bed without as much as a word, and she could feel the unbearable tension that would not let her sleep until it was deep into the night. As she was finally catching a dream, his snoring woke her up, and naturally Rachel was annoyed by it; maybe it was the fact that she was used to sleeping alone, hearing absolutely nothing but her own breathing since she was a little kid. But, maybe, her discomfort around him was more than just _that_.

Finn was there, with her, and she reminded herself that it was what she had wanted since the day she arrived to New York. Still, as this thought crossed her mind, she recalled the night before; the part of it that didn't include Finn, she had been willing and wanting to kiss Jesse St. James. Even when, she didn't know where her relationship stood, and even now, as he laid beside her, she wasn't certain about it.

The movement on the bed shuffled her back to the present and she turned on her side to see if Finn had woken up, fortunately for her, he hadn't. Rachel put on her slippers and walked slowly out the room.

Kurt was humming happily in the kitchen as she stood there watching him cook, which she found really comforting until he acknowledged her presence and looked at her with one brow raised. He seemed curious.

"What happened?" He asked calmly without taking his eyes from her, inspecting her, searching for something in her aspect.

"Nothing, why?" She replied, too fast. He yawned slowly and finished cooking his egg to then serve it on a plate, which had been waiting by his side.

"Well, I thought you would be glad to see Finn. Excited. Thrilled" Kurt glanced at her again. "And I didn't have to put my earplugs on last night." He sat down at the table and started eating his breakfast.

"I am." She sat down next to him immediately after. "I am glad, you know? It's just that, last night we had a fight." She stopped her words right there, afraid of letting too much go. Afraid of not knowing what to say.

"And why was that?" He questioned, still apparently calm, relaxed because he wasn't feeling the anxiety Rachel was experiencing.

"Jesse was here with me when he arrived. You know Finn is not his biggest fan and vice versa." She explained, not daring to look at her best friend in the eye, knowing that it would only take that for her to spit out absolutely everything, even her inside, very private thoughts.

"I see, didn't you tell him St. James is like your brother now? I mean..." She frowned lightly at him and the odd feeling of a nervous laugh escaped her throat. "What was he doing here, anyway?" He asked taking a sip of tea from his mug.

"I invited him over, for a movie night." She managed to say between thoughts, all the explanations seemed like a plain lie to her even though it was the perfect truth. "We used to do that when…when we were dating, I just thought it'd be fun." He nodded absently at her declaration, and didn't let go the fact that she seemed to be whispering.

"Do you want to go to the park and watch drug deals go down?" Kurt said teasingly, she laughed softly and smiled as an answer. "Let's go." Kurt took her by the arm and pulled her to the door, once it was closed behind them she felt completely relieved; she couldn't talk to Kurt in there, not when Finn could be listening.

Once they were both out of their apartment and the door was securely closed, Rachel decided it was time to talk it all out.

"I can't pretend to be happy at him, he practically ignored me for four months and all he had to say for it was that he was ashamed and a pathetic ´ _I'm sorry´_." They were walking down the stairs now, Rachel letting her frustrations out, holding onto his best friend's arm. "And last night he was so childish! We were only watching a movie! What's the big deal about that? I don't understand." Kurt was guiding her through the morning crowd, nodding and letting her know he was listening and that he wanted her to go on. "He just let himself feel at home with no one's permission and he ruined everything. I don't even know how to call him now; boyfriend, friend, someone I know? I am lost now, how pathetic is that? And..." She laughed bitterly at herself, Kurt just tightened his grip on her hand as they sat down at the most decent bench there was. "And, we would have kissed if Finn hadn't gotten there first." He smirked sadly and rubbed her back, Kurt knew there was something and he had finally dug deep enough. Silently dug, but it had worked.

"But you didn't?" He asked leaving aside the much stronger questions for later.

"No. Is it bad that I wish we had?" Her face was filled with frustration and her body tense from the cold, she was basically in her pajamas. He shook his head and smiled at her. "It's just that I felt so guilty for wanting it so much."

"Rachel." Kurt started speaking. "It's completely normal, Jesse was there when Finn wasn't and you were just trying to fill in the gaps you had with what is known for you, like Jesse." She chewed her lip for a while, trying to find the way his explanation worked with her peculiar situation. Jesse had been there too when Kurt hadn't, but she wasn't about to mention that.

"Then, why am I feeling the same if Finn is already here?"

* * *

"We need to talk." She stated coolly once she had closed the curtain again. Finn got on his feet as soon as he heard her voice, he had been sitting down and looking around with the look in his eyes that indicated he had just woken up, and he looked lost.

"About what?" He said carefree after a yawn and stretching his arms.

"About us." Her voice equally cold as before, she had made her decision, with the help from Kurt and sitting on the couch for proximately twenty minutes.

"Are you going to ditch me for you movies buddy?" He said sarcastically, there was no doubt, he was as angry as last night, his extended sleep not helping his case much. Or helping hers.

"Finn, please." Her begging instantly made his face change for a softer expression. "What are we?"

His face tilted up to look at her and then back at the emptiness of space. "Rachel, I don't want to lose you." He looked back at her with a worried look on his eyes. This time genuine, a face she could recognize and trust, and it was all it took.

She smiled at him watery and let herself land on his arms, with this statement only. "Good. Me neither." Rachel said as she buried her face in the crook of his neck.

She had made a decision and hopefully it would be the right one. Although, she still couldn't get that longing out of her lips, and the burning reminder in her head that she could've kissed _him_.

* * *

Rachel had told Finn he could come along to some of her classes at NYADA to seek for a new dream, even though she was well aware dreams weren't built like this. It has to be something that fills the emptiness inside. The one thing that if it came true all the hurt would go away. _You singing ´Don't Cry for Me Argentina´ in front of a sold out crowd is not a fantasy, is an inevitability._

 _An inevitability._ She hadn't thought about that in a long time but when she did she'll always smile at the memory.

Jesse and Rachel stabbed each other on the back and several times, but she always knew there was a forgiving part in their relationship. It was truly something she recalled affectionately and although it hadn't always been like this, she was thankful that it was true now.

She still hadn't reached out to Jesse, her calls being immediately sent to voicemail or saying the number was out of reach. She felt so embarrassed, it was not herself to start things and not finish them and now that she thought about it, her relationship with Jesse St. James had always felt kind of unfinished and unspoken. Rachel didn't want to lose Jesse's friendship for some kind of impulse or wanting. He had been there for her and had made her smile when she felt she never would again, it was completely normal that she had wanted to kiss him but that didn't mean it wasn't any less bad timed.

Problem was that every time Jesse walked into her life, he was a victim of timing; and this had happened so many times by now that Rachel began wondering if, maybe, time wasn't his problem. She was.

* * *

She looked...complete and stunningly happy, so unlike himself, Finn thought. He had liked New York. For the first few seconds he spent on the state, as soon as people started pushing and throwing rude words at him and kicking his bag that it almost felt on propose, he stopped liking it so much. In Ohio everything was so calm and everyone at least tried to be nice. This wasn't for him, none of it, the school, the people and the places. Everything moved so fast for him; it was almost like the city had a routine, but an unpredictable one.

He was willing to do it for Rachel if it came down to it, but this just wasn't his kind of space, he felt so impossibly out of place in every single street, in every single classroom. He felt being left behind by her. Not ever really felt like that with Rachel. This was a new stage with her and he didn't particularly like it. He liked to know how she thought and how she moved, and he was certain she liked to know this too. And this had been an easy wish to fulfill while they both lived in Lima, and they both attended the same high school and the same classes. And also, it had always been a given as into what he was going to do when it came to Rachel Berry.

She meant a lot to him, he loved her. But he wasn't so sure if he was willing to throw his own happiness away because of it.

"Hey." Finn glanced quickly to the body whose voice belonged to. Jesse St. James. Finn clenched his hands into fists and scowled to the front. "Finn, why don't we just start fresh? It's exhausting to do this every time we see each other." Finn looked taken aback, he certainly wasn't expecting that and his frown deepened with suspicion. He considered his answer for a while and instead came out a question.

"Why?"

"Because of her." Jesse pointed with his head at Rachel who was sitting down doing some kind of improvisation with a classmate in the middle of a circle. "I'm hands off this time, really. I just want to be friends with her and I think that pretty much implies getting along with her boyfriend so..." Jesse said pursing his lips together and looking intently at Finn.

"She told you?"

"She didn't have to, I mean, you're here, aren't you?" Finn nodded and smiled a bit. Once upon a time Jesse and he had been on acceptable terms, just for a few days, still, he didn't understood much of what he said, or how he acted, but he could try again, for Rachel.

"Yes, okay, we can be friendly or whatever, just, you're hands off, remember that." Jesse chuckled slightly at Finn´s attempt to a threatening tone and sat down next to him.

"It's stuck to my head, believe me." They were both looking at Rachel, each with its own personal thoughts about her. "She's in her element." Jesse said without taking his eyes off of her.

"She is." Finn sighed, way too engrossed in his girlfriend to notice Jesse was too.

"Anyway, I have to catch a class, see you later." Jesse got up and gave Finn a nod before making his way to the door and towards his class.

After that breve intermission, Finn didn't really talked to anybody in NYADA, Rachel would trail him here and there with a huge grin on her face; to dance class, singing class, and few other acting classes. She said hello to most people and introduced him as her boyfriend which made Finn sort of proud. But it felt so much like high school, only this time the roles had changed.

 _I used to be the man of her dreams, but now we're not even in the same world._


	6. The Break-up Part II

"So I have to wear a suit for some karaoke bar? Don't sound like a fancy place, you guys." Rachel blanked her eyes at Finn, knowing the discussion would end with Finn wearing what he was displaying currently: a pair of worn jeans and his striped t-shirt with the number eight on the back, so she decided to stop insisting and glanced at Kurt so he'd stop too.

The day with her boyfriend at school had gone well; she had been staring at Finn out of the corner of her eye during classes sometimes and had been reminded of high school. This time, however, it had felt odd to do so.

Some thoughts she was having were rude and this attitude was directed towards Finn. She would start by saying that he didn't really belong here and that she was having trouble with the tall guy being there.

"Oh, come on Finn you can sing _'Don't Stop Believing'_ or something equally uplifting," Kurt said, trying to convince Finn, or more like trying to excite him for things that thrilled him and Rachel and had had the same effect on him half a year earlier.

"I don't know, I'm all out of practice. I haven't even sung in the shower since Nationals."

Now, Rachel couldn't believe a single word this boy was saying, because it couldn't be possible that Finn Hudson, the same person who fought relentlessly to accept his own passion for the arts all through high school and succeeded, had forgotten how this one thing in life had given him purpose. Though in a way, she wasn't surprised to hear him.

Jesse hadn't talked to her since Finn got there. She had seen him walking down the halls with different people, talking and laughing and it almost seemed he was ignoring her. Rachel didn't want to take it way too personal; she thought that Jesse was just giving her the space she needed to fix things with Finn, and it was finally fixed. She just had been really missing Jesse and their talks; mostly she missed her friend and she couldn't figure out the true reason why he hadn't talked to her in days.

There was a knock on the door again, sounding equally threatening as Finn's had, but this time, it was another person's boyfriend who was to be discovered behind the wooden door.

"Blaine! What are you doing here?"

* * *

CallBacks was a nice and relaxed bar, Jesse had to admit he liked it. Some friends had invited him to go for drinks and he was bored, so he had said yes. Although after the week he had had, it had been more than just boredom what made him accept.

He didn't feel like singing that night but he did, with some girl his friends had introduced him to. He liked how their voices sounded together and everyone applauded at the end of the song, and it was great. It reminded him of how much he loved being on stage, and of how much he had loved that skin burning reflector in Carmel High; this was what he was meant to do.

An hour and two beers later, he heard the piano man play a distinct song from all the acoustic versions to pop songs, this was one that he recognized almost immediately. _'Faithfully'_. Then there were the voices, his booth didn't stop talking at the sound of someone singing, neither did he. Jesse didn't bother to look at the small stage; he knew those voices all too well. And at the end he couldn't resist the urge to turn around and witness a sick déjà vu situation; this made him order something stronger. It felt like it was Regionals 2010 all over again and he turned around once more, avoiding the sight.

The girl he sang with, Erin, made small talk with him later. She was a sophomore NYADA student and lived nearby his apartment. She was funny, nice and easy going and he could tell she was graceful, so she was probably a dancer with a simple nice voice. He felt he could carry a conversation with her as easily as with somebody he had known for years, maybe even more. They were discussing restaurants in the city; she was offering to take him out and really meet New York City and all of its culinary founts. And as she was extending her invitation to a movie as well, the piano music changed again and Jesse was no longer paying attention. _Teenage Dream_ , he recognized.

"Hey everyone, I want to sing a song that's very special to me. This is the song I sang the first time I met the love of my life. So Kurt, this is for you." Jesse fell silent at the sound of the name, he took a second look to the guy singing and playing the piano. He had met him before, the Warblers' leader; Vocal Adrenaline had competed against them once or twice; of course that the Warblers never got to the point of beating them but still they were very strong competitors. And then he remembered some more: he had been with New Directions at Nationals. And he smiled, but just ever so slightly, because maybe this guy hadn't had ulterior motives for being there and he didn't just make Kurt fall in love with him _for the experience._

The whole bar suddenly got extremely quiet as the song got further; thing that hadn't happened with any other singer but Jesse had a feeling it was because everyone began to feel uncomfortable. The way the black haired guy sang the lyrics had something very intimate about it and everyone could sense so.

Jesse felt quite stunned with the emotion the guy was singing the particular song with. He expected him to literally start crying at some point. When the song died, everyone clapped. Jesse could tell something more than just love was inspiring that performance, something even stronger. Regret or guilt, maybe, the things that had inspired his own performance of _Bohemian Rhapsody_ three years ago.

"That was...intense." Alex, one of his friends, said. Initiating conversation again. "I didn't even know you could sing something like _'Teenage Dream_ ' like that." He joked and everyone laughed, agreeing to his statement without the need for words.

"I think it was beautiful," Erin defended, "but I've never seen him at NYADA."

Jesse didn't tell anyone what he knew about the mysterious identity of the guy, he hardly even remembered his name himself, so he remained silent.

"Next round is on me." Jesse said and his friends cheered him on. Erin accompanied him to the bar to help him carry the drinks; her smile was very sweet, he noticed. And it was very hard not to do so when she stood so close, he also discovered.

Jesse looked around casually as he tried to get that blonde hair away from his thoughts and he nearly jumped frightened finding Rachel's face beside him. He didn't want their relationship to be awkward after the events of the other night, but somehow it felt like it, so he tried to ease it up. Good thing he was an actor. Only Rachel was too.

"Rachel, how are-" he hadn't finished his question when she pulled him aside and then outside the bar even faster. "What's going on?" He asked now, confused; obviously knowing what was going on.

"You're ignoring me." She accused him.

Jesse was going to say that he hadn't; anything to defend himself but anything that could've left his mouth at the moment would've been a lie. Truth was he hadn't meant to, but at the end he had.

She was going through this thing, he thought, the one where you clarify your feelings and intentions and cravings; he just didn't want to be an obstruction or somebody save him, a possible choice to solve her dilemma. Jesse guessed that if Finn was the hero this once, or more accurately, once again, she wouldn't have much of a problem to fix.

The air remained wordless for a little longer, blame drowning his eyes.

"I know, I didn't mean to, though. I'm sorry." He said genuinely, the last thing he wanted to do was hurt her again. Rachel ran her fingers through her forehead as if she was experiencing a terrible headache.

"No!" She snapped. "You were here with me and you saw how hurt I was when Finn ignored me and then you go on and do the same thing!" She swallowed hard in order to stop the tears from coming out. "Why would you do this to me?"

Her eyes started draining out, and that single tear which was visible to him in the dark street was enough to make him feel utterly bad. Rachel crying was something that he did not want to see, he had never wanted to see her cry because of him, or about anything really.

Jesse felt how suddenly his control came back; he could control this. There wasn't any need for her to feel this way, she didn't deserve to be treated like this, even though it had been completely unintentional from him. He took the only steps that were separating their bodies and hugged her strongly; he could feel how her body stiffened at the contact and then slowly relaxed until he felt her arms tugging him too.

"Never again, Rach." He promised. "I'm here for you." He spoke, caressing her hair, with her face still sobbing on his shirt. "I was an idiot, once again." He felt her chuckle and he did too.

"No," she finally stepped aside, "I overreacted a little." Rachel sniffed and tried to fix her now messed up mascara.

"You know I love your drama." He said frankly and offered her a smile. She laughed a bit. "And how did you even get in there? If I recall well, you are nowhere near turning 21." His eyes looked at her, accusing her mockingly and she shushed him.

"Well...we have to check that memory of yours." She said, quoting him. Jesse placed and arm around her, guiding her towards the bar again. "I don't know if you've heard of it, it's called a fake ID." He shook his head and pulled one of the doors open for her to step in and then closed the door behind him.

As soon as they were fully inside again, Jesse could feel stares, not absolutely sure where they came from or from whom. There was a blonde couple singing on stage but the bar wasn't completely quiet; his eyes drifted towards the direction of laughing and found the booth where his friends where at, still joking and drinking carelessly. He had absolutely forgotten about them. Not soon enough he directed his eyes to the small tables near the piano where a noticeable tall guy was sitting and glaring at Jesse and Rachel. Finn didn't looked happy, at all. But Jesse didn't remember having another expression than that directed toward him coming from Finn.

"I've got to go." Rachel said, hugging Jesse once more. And he noticed Kurt and the 'Teenage Dream' guy were grabbing their coats behind them and Finn was making his way through the tables uncomfortably. Jesse managed to go before Finn had made it to Rachel and walked toward his friends, sitting down casually like he had never gone outside.

"Where's your girlfriend?" Alex asked teasingly. Very well aware Rachel wasn't his. They had ran through the topic when they first met in fencing class. Alex had seen Rachel and Jesse in various occasions walking together very couple like, but Jesse had quickly put him out of his mistaken supposition.

Jesse shot a death glare at his friend who laughed into his drink, knowing exactly how to make Jesse lose his patience.

* * *

"I don't belong here." Finn said suddenly. Rachel glanced up at him quickly and then back down to the ground. The trees around them an evidence of the small rain that had graced them that cold night.

"Why'd you say that?" She was asking this, and she knew why Finn thought this. She knew she was a reason too.

"I just don't fit in here, not like Kurt and you do." He stated; his voice going lower and weaker with each word leaving his mouth.

All of her life she had tried to fit in a mold that just didn't fit, all the time. And here, in New York, she finally felt she was where she truly belonged. Maybe there's one special place for everyone and maybe this wasn't Finn's one. And it was time to face that.

"Where did you go? Back in the bar, I mean." Finn asked her with a failed attempt of an innocent tone; he knew where she had gone and with whom precisely. The only question remaining was: what for?

"I just needed to take some fresh air." She said, it wasn't an entire lie. They were walking down Central Park with Kurt and Blaine far behind them, also engaged in conversation.

"Rachel, please don't lie to me." She stopped walking, now with the knowledge that Finn, indeed, had seen Jesse and herself at some point.

"I stepped out to talk to Jesse." Saying it felt like ripping off a bandage. It was quick and momentarily painful.

"You were breaking up with him or something? What would you possibly want to talk to him about?" Rachel narrowed her eyes at his volume; loud and very angry. She knew jealousy was Finn's weak spot, she had known this since sophomore year and then a year later at junior prom he only confirmed it.

"Finn, of course not. I told you, we are _just_ friends." She said defensively, matching his tone now.

"Really? Because to me, it seems that you two are just playing me. I'm not stupid Rachel." She stood there without replying and frowning at him; having this incredibly painful knot in her throat. She knew she couldn't leave it like this, Finn wouldn't let her toss it aside without the answer he wanted. Still, even if she lied and told him senseless stories, he had already made his mind up, she knew this.

"What happened with not wanting to lose me?" She questioned; hurt all over her voice.

"I meant that, Rachel, I really did. But I can't do this if it means you lying to me all the time." She laughed bitterly at how much hypocrisy he could get in a single statement.

"You want to go there? How about you not calling me for four months, making me worry and wonder of what you were doing; not knowing if you were being faithful or not; uncertain about our relationship! Or have you already forgotten that?" She was pretty sure this card was one she could use whenever she pleased, but at the end she could only play with it for as long as it was worth something to them both.

"That was different, okay? I didn't cheat on you." He accused her coldly and started to walk again. She stood where she was, not moving a single muscle. She did not deserve to be called a cheater.

"I didn't cheat on you with Jesse or with anybody, I want you. Which part don't you get?" She knew he had heard her voice, but he did not stop walking down the park.

There was something that was tying her up to the stoned ground; not allowing her to move and go after Finn like she always did. She realized for the very first time in her life that she was tired of it; she had done nothing wrong and like always Finn ended up being the victim. He always decided what things to remember when it was convenient for himself. And she was done with it. For good.

"Why should I believe you?" Rachel heard Finn say and she gulped down the knot in her throat, allowing her to gasp out along with her tears. This was the second time she cried that night and she wished that sometime soon her eyes would run out of tears.

Why should he believe her? Because he claims he loves her; he claims he trusts her; he claims he wanted her to be free and most importantly, he claimed he didn't want to lose her. And in that moment as she stood there watching her sad, tired reflection in through the fountain water, she acknowledged how much she wanted to be tied down to him and how much more she wanted him to let her go. Rachel had believed in Finn, she had forgiven Finn and somehow he always ended up tracing another scar on her damaged heart, then to put a light bandage on, leaving her entirely exposed to the frozen world. And once again Rachel couldn't feel the cold, just her heart tearing apart, like that long night in the tree sale, junior year.

She started walking home, supposing Finn would have directed there along with Kurt and Blaine, but she stopped walking once again.

* * *

The phone rang while he was walking towards his apartment; the few drinks he have had barely sinking in for him to feel dizzy but nothing more, so he was more than capable to get home by himself. He picked up after letting it ring for a bit.

"Hello?"

"Jesse?" He pulled the phone away from his ear and checked the contact that was lightning up his phone. Confirming that it was _her_ voice.

"Rach, are you okay?" He spoke once his phone had returned to be pushed against his ear.

"No, I-I feel like dying, Jesse." She had been crying, and it didn't take a genius to figure out why.

"What happened?" Jesse asked, concerned for his friend.

"Finn...he-"

"What did he do now?" _How many times is that guy going to screw it up?_

"We had a fight, he started yelling and saying he didn't fit in here, and that you and I were playing him." Her voice was falling apart again.

"What? Why would he think that?" He asked, with all the ignorance in the world but something told him he already knew the answer, still, the guy couldn't possibly be so stuck in the past.

Yes, Rachel and he had been a couple once upon a time. Yes, he threw an egg at her but he had apologized and she had taken him back, as a friend, nothing more. And Jesse had assured Finn he wouldn't try anything this time, of course he didn't expected the guy to trust him suddenly after all. But he had thought he would try.

"The night he got here..." She started slowly.

"Rachel, we didn't do anything," But they almost had and they knew it. Jesse still was confused as in if Rachel and Finn had been a couple at the time, he knew, that they weren't according to her but the other half of the relationship was non-respondent. And that was enough to be thoughtful about their actions.

"I know," she said, swallowing in her earlier confusion. "You're right, it's just-"

"Rach, it's pretty late now," he paused. "Where are you?" The water running down from the fountain suddenly went audible for him.

"Central Park but you're right, it is late and I better get home." The instant worrying thought crossed his mind like a flash. And he didn't think his next words for a second.

"Are you alone?"

"Yeah." She replied sniffing. His heartbeat raised with concern and he automatically function with adrenaline, just to get to her.

"Don't move, I'm coming." He said firmly and walked back to where he had come from.

* * *

"You're here." Her eyes were red and puffy, all the proof he needed to know she had been crying a lot since she called. She was sitting on the ground, her back to the fountain.

"I said I'd come." He walked slowly towards her and finally sat down next to her.

"They're all gone." She said, touching her cheek and searching for any trace of the tears that by now had stopped flowing. "And I thought I would be fine but I'm not, Jesse." She looked up at him; her eyes were filled with actual worry, the curve of her lips twitched into not letting herself sob any more.

"It's okay, Rach." He shushed and rounded her once again with his arms, squeezing her slightly.

"Finn's jealous of you, he has always seen you as competition." He opened his mouth to reply but was stopped by her words. "And before you say anything, I think he has reasons to."

He stared blankly at her, he had not a single clue as in what was what she wanted; what she wanted from him. He was scared that Rachel might want something he could not provide again, not this time. He smiled hesitantly at her and touched her cheek soothingly.

"I know." He simply said, staring at her, right in the eye. This was one of those times were he couldn't read Rachel Berry, not at all. Her brown eyes were like locks and to every single one of them Jesse didn't had a key. Those eyes that had always been an eternal mystery every time he looked at them. "But anyway, he had no right to yell at you, and you and I know there might be reasons for him to be jealous but that doesn't justify him." She nodded, closing her eyes, which were sore now.

There was a long soothing silence where she just placed her head onto his shoulder and stared away, feeling at every second how her chest ached less and less at the touch of his fingertips on her forearm. She felt protected again.

Jesse wanted to punch Finn, to walk into that very dangerous neighborhood and just punch him in the face. One thing was being "hands off" but Finn couldn't just do that to Rachel. He knew it wasn't his place to take care of her like this, but that place was taken by the very same person who had made her cry and hurt in the first place.

"Come on, I'm going to walk you home." He stood up and spread a hand to her, she looked at it hesitantly and took it before hugging him again.

"Jesse, I don't want to go back home yet." He sighed and pursed his lips together, then nodded slowly.

He felt an obligation to get her home safe, but she didn't want to go to her apartment. And he would do anything for Rachel to feel comfortable and safe, even if it meant not taking her directly to her boyfriend and to the place she was supposed to be right now. And if that safe place was him, that was something he could provide and gladly so.

"How does my apartment sound?"


	7. The Break-up Part III

"St. James, what did you do to her?" Jesse picked up his phone; his entire being misplaced in the middle of the night. The extremely high pitched voice making him open his eyes completely.

"Who is this?" He managed to ask between sleeping and walking toward his kitchen to pour himself a glass of water.

"What did you do to her?" The voice demanded again. "I'm calling the police." The dramatic tone gave him a clue as to who the person was; Jesse massaged his temple and a low, hoarse laugh left his mouth.

"Kurt, please calm down. She's okay." He turned on the kitchen´s lights and waited a moment while his eyes adjusted to the shining again. "How did you even get my number?"

"I want her back here now. Why is she with you? Explain this to me." He demanded once again, this time sounding desperate to have concrete answers.

"She called me." Jesse said. "She's sleeping, and also I think that one last question is for somebody else." He said pointedly. Still, it was way too late for be sassing with Kurt, so he said nothing else.

"Listen Jesse," Kurt started, speaking more calm than before. "Just, let her know I'm here and that, uh...Finn left for Ohio sometime around last night, but he's okay, I'm sure of it." Jesse nodded even though he knew Kurt couldn't see him. "And when she wakes up also tell her that I need her too, please." His voice faltered at the last couple of words but he was quick to correct his mistake by clearing his throat; echoing a word or two of goodbye and the phone line went dead.

He went back to the couch where he had been sleeping after he had yielded his bed to Rachel. He tangled himself up with the blanket he always kept on the couch. As he did so, Jesse heard a soft crack and the sticky sound that often came with bare foot touching wood.

"Jesse. Are you awake?" Rachel whispered. He chuckled lightly but kept his eyes closed, too tired to open them up. However he couldn't help but acknowledge that Rachel keeping him from his sleep didn't bother him so much.

"Yeah," he whispered back, not sure why, they weren't going to wake anybody if they talked normally, but still he kept whispering. "Come here, I think this couch is big enough for the both of us."

Rachel took a hesitant step forward and soon enough she was laying down next to Jesse. It made her remember of all the times they had been in the exact same position, lying down side by side, only this was and felt completely different. Only Rachel couldn't say how.

"Can I ask you a question?" She said. Her eyes closed as if she was aiming to get more darkness inside the room

"Sure."

"Did it hurt?"

"What hurt?" Jesse replied, confused and a little sleepy-headed to formulate any possible answers.

"Finn and I getting engaged..." She said this so carefully, that it felt the words could break in any second.

Who could blame her? It was dark and it felt safe; Rachel had so many questions that needed just that to be asked. Besides, she had never been someone who could keep endless doubts inside her mind.

Jesse opened his eyes again at the sound of her words; he almost felt he was dreaming. He had never expected someone to ask him that, least of all Rachel; so he didn't have an answer ready to make him look strong and unaffected. Truth was he hadn't been thinking of himself or his feelings when he heard the news; hadn't really considered it had hurt him, in all the context of the word.

He had felt odd, a lot different because Rachel had always been his way of coming back home and to make sense every time he needed to. But probably it hadn't been fair; he didn't care. She had been the only person in the world capable of making him love and care for someone so fully. She also made him acknowledge the fact that his actions would always come with consequences he wouldn't want to face.

Rachel had engaged to someone else and it felt like she wasn't his to even remember; she was going to be somebody else's wife. Once he thought he'd always fight for the girl, but this was something he wouldn't have gotten himself into, and he hadn't. At the end it may have hurt, maybe it had hurt so much he didn't even feel it.

"Yes." He said finally and with that one word he was able to evoke so many feeling for both him and Rachel. It had make him be in pain, he admitted. But this didn't mean something would've changed; the lucky fact that it had killed every last drop of hope in him wasn't going to change anything now; wasn't going to change the fact that he could not make himself feel different about her, not even if he could've wanted it with such desperation like before.

"I'm sorry." Rachel muttered breaking the darkening silence. He played with the leather of the couch and nodded slowly. Still not seeing the need to ask something like that in the middle of the night.

"Kurt called," Jesse said, after swallowing down his thoughts, "he didn't sound okay." He paused, expecting Rachel to say something explaining or ask a question, but her words weren't there. So he decided to proceed with the other information he held. "Finn went back to Ohio in the night, Kurt says he's safe, so don't worry."

Rachel breathed in shakily and found the darkness no more soothingly than before; that's why she had come to Jesse, but he wasn't touching her, not even in a finger. Like he was around some very valuable artwork. However, she said not a word about this thing she had noticed and turned on her back to face him; not feeling at all uncomfortable with their closeness, but rather wanting more. She pushed her head softly against his chest and closed her eyes, feeling how again tears streamed down her cheeks. Rachel didn't know what it was what made her cry this time; she only knew how badly torn she felt and she couldn't handle it anymore. This feeling, however, only ceased when Jesse had her in his arms.

* * *

Coffee.

That was all he could smell while he was waking up. There was no longer the intoxicating perfume, which had filled his dreams during the night. Or a beautiful girl to invade his personal space. Anyway, the thought of coffee gave him all the energy he lacked to leave the couch.

Jesse followed the delicious smell to the kitchen and watched how Rachel moved from one cabinet to another searching for the cups she had been missing. He noticed quite fast that she was in one of his dress shirts and sweatpants that made her look smaller than she actually was, the night before he hadn't noticed what she had been wearing, but he told himself again he must've had.

The sight of her like this made him smile wide and suddenly his face started heating up; something inside his eyes felt like sparkles ready to be released and he knew precisely what was happening to him. Everything fell into place; he felt exactly like he had felt watching Rachel rehearse back in that ugly dance studio in McKinley or more appropriately called: _The moment Jesse was officially fucked_.

And it was ultimately too far now to save himself from the fire, he just hoped he wouldn't burn this time around.

"Hi," Jesse practically breathed out, with his eyes wide open. Rachel jumped in her place and turned around with a grin on her face. He had to think about why she seemed to be so happy; she had just broken up with her boyfriend and she had spent almost all night long sobbing in his arms.

"Hey, thanks again for letting me stay here, and for last night. You really helped me." Rachel said.

"Don't worry about it Rach, that's what friends do." He tried to reassure himself again and again that he could handle being attracted to Rachel this easily. But words weren't helping his case much. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm...hanging." Rachel turned his back to him almost immediately. He wasn't sure of what her face looked like in the exact moment, but he was pretty sure she no longer displayed an attempt of a smile on her face.

"Rach, you're going to be okay, I promise." Jesse walked toward her side cautiously. "I'll make sure of that." He placed a hand on her dressed shoulder and she did nothing for a minute.

"I made you coffee." Rachel said slowly, ignoring what he had said to her and sighed before turning around to look at him directly. Her smile a statement that she had, indeed, improved her show face; still, he could see through it.

"It's just me..." He paused. "You know you can talk to me."

Jesse wanted to be there for her, more than anything, but this time around he wasn't so sure if he could just sit there and listen about Finn. He had never been able to do such thing before he came to New York. This time it felt like he couldn't hear the name one more time in his life, but he knew had to and he would.

"I texted him all morning long and called him a crazy amount of times, he never answered. I just..." Rachel looked down to her feet, "I want to know where we're standing; I want to know if I can be _free_ now." Jesse frowned and tilted her chin up for her to look deep into his blue eyes.

"Rachel, you know you don't need his permission or anybody's to be free. He isn't the only one who gets a word in your relationship." He paused. "He isn't in control of this, of you, not this time. You have to do what you want to, what feels right for you." Jesse stopped holding her chin, but she did not look away. Her eyes changed suddenly and a determined trace marked her olive face.

"I will, but I have to talk to him...in person." She looked right into Jesse's confused gaze. "I have to break up with him the right way, face to face is the only option."

The confusion on Jesse´s face was replaced by amusement instantly. And her face didn't look sad anymore.

"You're going to fly down to Lima?" Jesse raised a brow. "We have classes on Monday." He said skeptically.

"I know, and I'll be right back to them in no time." She insisted.

"Do you have the money to do so?" He grabbed two mugs from the middle drawer, sure enough Rachel hadn't been able to find them. "You do know plane tickets cost money, don't you?"

"I thought you were supportive of me! Stop looking for 'buts' in my plan." He snorted once he had left the mugs on top of the counter.

"I'm sorry, it's just that there are a lot of them buts. Besides, does it have to be you who goes to him?" She frowned thoughtfully at him and grabbed the two mugs to serve the coffee inside them.

"Because I'm breaking up with him, not the other way around." She argued.

"Yes, but...that doesn't mean anything...I'm sorry, I'm having trouble concentrating; that's kind of my favorite shirt. Please don't spill coffee on it." She stopped pouring the coffee to look at the dark gray shirt she had picked randomly from Jesse's closet, then back to the mug and laughed evilly making the coffee pot move ungraciously around and equally making Jesse's heart stop every time a brown drop left both the pot and the moving mug. "Rachel, I'm serious here." He stepped closer from where he was standing and took what she was holding in her hands. Rachel stopped laughing and took a second look at the shirt.

"I'm keeping this. It's actually really comfortable." She ran a hand up and down the soft cotton material.

"I know, that's why it's my favorite." His face was death serious but he couldn't keep it that way for too long, not around Rachel at least. Not when she was pouting at him.

"You don't have to worry anymore about coffee stains, because it's mine now." Jesse stopped drinking his coffee at her words. He knew he wouldn't invite her over again; she would keep everything she'd like. But still, he smiled at the simple thought.

"No, it's not. And you're not going to Ohio." He stated. "It´s a crazy idea."

"I don't need your permission or anybody's, I'm taking your advice, you should be proud of me." Rachel finished her coffee and placed the mug in the sink. "I'm going to change now. I need to go see Kurt."

She was out of the room before Jesse knew it. He chuckled with a shake of his head, he placed his mug in the sink as well and looked at the clock which was high on the wall. It was just 10:30am and if Rachel was just stubborn enough he would have to take her to the airport and carry whatever luggage she would bring. He well knew, deep inside, that she would get away with whatever she planed now and for the rest of her life. So why even argue?

Jesse walked out of the kitchen and laid down on the couch again; he grabbed the unfinished book resting on the table next to him. He seriously couldn't remember why he hadn't finished reading it and why he'd still have it; Jesse opened it where the bookmark was and instantly saw why he hadn't dared to open it up in a while. It was a picture, the only photo they had taken of Rachel and him while dating for the first time; his arm around her, his eyes only on her and both their mouths laughing. That weird kid with the afro had been stalking them for weeks, hoping he could get and interview and a hot picture for his new gossip blog. Jesse had been sick of him and agreed, alongside Rachel, to let him take a picture of the two of them smiling. Then, he remembered why he put it inside that book; he hadn't wanted to see anything that could remotely remind him of Rachel once he was set to forget her. So he hid away any evidence of their romantic relationship ever existed.

A door opened and it made his train of thought stop; he walked on to the hallway and watched how Rachel stepped out of his room with the clothes she had worn yesterday on, with one single difference noticeable: she was still wearing his shirt.

"You know, that gives the wrong impression." Jesse said, making a gesture to his shirt.

"I don't care, not really." She walked towards him and hugged him suddenly, he reacted as quickly as he could and hugged her back. "Thanks," she whispered, "for my new shirt and everything." She teased.

Jesse laughed and stepped back. "Anytime."

* * *

After she walked out of Jesse's apartment, Rachel was glad to find out that the sun had come out beautifully, the light still fell on her, soft and soothing; days like those always made her feel at peace. She knew that flying down to Lima wasn't the best idea, and probably Jesse was right, but this was important to her; she needed a proper closure to this relationship, and she decided she couldn't go on without it.

When she was halfway home she thought of Kurt and Blaine and how the both seemed to be so emotional back at the park. She had gotten too caught up in her own problems that she didn't even thought of her best friend and what happened to him next; she just assumed he had made it home safe with Blaine and that everything was fine. But once Jesse said Kurt didn't sound okay, it all began to make sense.

When she finally crossed the city and winded up in front of her door; she was aware that once she opened it, fairy tales and the happiness they had been living under since high school, would be entirely gone. A sudden feeling of extreme sadness overcame her when she thought of this, but she was also happy at last that all charades would be gone. Rachel entered her apartment with that one last thought.

Kurt wasn't in the living room or in the kitchen, she walked further in and caught a sight of what was a very depressed Kurt. He didn't look at her when she stepped inside his room; but she did see him, all of him: he was sad and wrecked. She felt she needed to look the same in that moment, but she had had help to overcome that, and Kurt hadn't. But now she was there with him.

"Kurt." He got his eyes out of whatever he was watching in his laptop; the blue of his eyes drowned on the red that surrounded it and the black pajamas he was wearing made his skin look paler than it was.

They stared at each other for a while, analyzing the other´s cover. Once that moment was over, Kurt sighed out in relief and gasped like he had been holding in all out of his choked breath. Rachel took off her white blazer and walked towards Kurt's bed, she let herself fall on top of it and laid next to him; he grabbed her hand in a soothingly and strong. .

"We are going to be fine." He said with a raspy voice that almost cracked Rachel's heart. She had heard those words by two people today and she knew she would be, eventually and with help.

* * *

When she was sitting on her window sit inside the plane for Ohio, it finally sunk in; she was on her way home to do what she had been so frightened to even imagine all of her high school career: break-up with Finn. She couldn't help but let some tears go. She hadn't let herself cry since she left Jesse's apartment again. Kurt had been crying a lot, and she had to be a rock for her best friend or neither one of them would've left the pizza box and the Gilmore Girls marathon package that Blaine had sent over.

Rachel hadn't asked what exactly happened between the two of them but, given that Blaine was sending Kurt all those gifts and flowers something must've been wrong and shattered.

She looked outside the round window of the plane; her favorite thing about coming to and leaving New York was that she could look at all the cheering, colorful lights in the night and the romantic sight that the city inspires in the day. Only this time it did nothing to her, and the lights only became a blurry fuzz with the tears threatening to leave her eyes.

She waited until the plane was entirely on the air to fish for her cellphone inside her handbag, once she got it, Rachel scrolled down her home screen and found nothing with Finn´s name in it. And for the thousand time in that same week she felt like the obedient puppy girlfriend, waiting by the phone. Rachel did not want to be that. And the fact that she knew those would be the only terms her long distance relationship with Finn could work, hurt her like hell.

She was certain he wasn't going to move to New York anytime soon, because he liked Lima and the speed of his life there; she was even more certain that she would not go back to Ohio because of him, not permanently. But both Finn and she deserved to do this in person; their relationship deserved this. Rachel tried to reach out for Finn again, but every time her call went straight to voice mail she lost it more and more.

When the plane landed and she was out the gate, Hiram was waiting for her. She had lunch with him and proceed to fill him in all that was happening and why she was truly there. Rachel told her dad about Jesse magically appearing in her life again in New York and told him everything from the beginning to the present day. His dad didn't seem to have any useful advice but his encouraging smile was enough for her to feel better.

Rachel drove all the way to Finn's house, then when Carol told her he would be working at the tire shop, Rachel directed herself there; Burt told her Finn had been spending a lot of time in McKinley. She should've thought of looking for him there earlier; she knew where to find him when he was in trouble.

The streets and turns to the high school that she knew by heart seemed to be foreign to her now; as if somehow those four years had been fractioned in little pieces and slowly erased from her mind, those four important years of her life. Once she pushed open the double doors of the auditorium, she couldn't help but feel nostalgic, but strangely so. It didn't feel like it must have: it didn't felt like coming home; it just felt like walking into a very familiar and dear place, but nothing more. She had been expecting more.

"This is where you proposed to me and you reminded me this is where we had our first date. Is also where we first met. Do you remember that?" All the memories of people that they used to be and songs they used to sing were very well stuck in her head and holding onto everything she recalled. Rachel knew that even if she wanted to move on, that was not going to happen because of this auditorium, because this glee club had mark her life and all the friends she made were forever; the loves weren't exactly like that, especially not now.

"Yeah. Glee rehearsal, you uh...you really freaked me out." And every time they went back to exactly that moment that although now it seemed sort of sweet, for her it would always be a moment to feel awfully ashamed of. He didn't look surprised to see her, almost like he had been expecting her, but she didn't let that take her out of focus.

"I stopped by your house and the tire shop. I should've known you would just be here, though." She spoke, thoughtful. However, he continued with his monologue, ignoring what she had just said.

"I know it sounds sort of weird but I just felt like singing up here. It seemed to help me figure out stuff before." Rachel felt exasperated, she had always been a patient person, especially with Finn. But what the hell did he understand about her presence in that auditorium?

His voice sounded so carefree and calm, that it almost seemed that the past few months hadn't happened for him. And Rachel was almost sure he was making himself believe they hadn't and wanted to drag her down to that stupid, although very tempting, lie.

"Yeah, I would've just, you know, come here first," she felt like she was about to snap at him, "Only if you had picked up your phone or answer my text messages, instead I had to get on a plane and drive around town looking for you like an idiot."

"Sorry, I just needed time to think." He looked away trying to distract himself from the issues that were presented in front of him, like he always did. At this point, Rachel knew every reaction he had and its meaning. .

"You had four months! I hated you for what you did to me at that train station." And truly, he had had a lot of time to think, backpacking through Georgia, of all places. He wasn't in college, he didn't have a job. He had nothing but time in his hands.

"I was trying to help you." And Finn's intentions were true, he had been trying to help her. He had kind of let her go, in his mind; he had let her be without him, in his own way.

"I hated you!" Finn frowned, Rachel had never yelled at him, never this raging way. He felt like he was looking at a complete new Rachel, and the worst; he felt intimidated by her, that couldn't be a good sign. "But then when I got to New York, I thought about how much you love me and how hard that must have been for you and I thought: this is what a man looks like; this is how a man _loves._ " She tried to calm herself and made emphasis with her gestures but Finn didn't seem to react in any way. "But you not telling me where you were for _four_ months, and sneaking out before sunrise without saying goodbye, that is not a man, Finn." Rachel said spitefully.

"You were gone last night, I had no idea where you were and I figured I would let you live your new life in peace! I'm trying to give you your freedom." He argued; his frown getting deeper. His head thinking of very valid argument he could enter a fight with.

"I don't need you to give me my freedom," Rachel thought of Jesse then, and what he had said with rightness. "I don't need your permission to be free. I'm a grown woman. I don't need any words from you to do what I want."

Everything she hadn't thought about when Finn proposed; everything that Quinn had said and hadn't made sense to her at the time, did now. He had been trying to keep her inside a box and that's what he accomplished at the end. Finn took something beautiful and put it inside a box, and since then, she thought, they had been throwing and hitting themselves against those walls, destroying each other as they kept.

"Like your movies buddy?" He said this slowly and carefully, knowing his words would hit a nerve somewhere.

"I didn't _do_ Jesse, okay? You know that. And how do you think I felt without you? Alone, I needed a friend." She tried.

"He's in NYADA, he's in NY, and he's with you. You act like that doesn't mean anything, Rachel, but it does. How do you think I feel knowing he's there all the time; that he's with my girlfriend and I'm not? I mean, I know I have nothing left to offer; I barely even graduated high school and my life has absolutely no direction." He talked more focused now and his eyes barely shifted away from her face.

"Don't you get it? When it comes to you I'm always that moon eyed girl who made a fool out of herself at our first glee rehearsal. And I don't want to be her anymore, because I know I am so much more. And I want you to accept that, more than anything, I swear; but even if you could honestly tell me you could try. I can't do this anymore." Rachel gulped and took a step towards him; this was something she wouldn't have been able to do a year ago, three months ago and not even the day before. "We're done."

"Wow, what am I going to do with my life? I don't have my girl, I don't have a job; I don't have a place in this world." And he was probably right, but nothing was sure when it came to life. The only thing Rachel could be certain of was that Finn's place wasn't with her, wasn't her heart.

"You have you, and that's better than anyone else in this world as far as I'm concerned."

Rachel stepped closer with all the intention to kiss Finn goodbye, but once she saw his kind brown eyes…she realized she didn't need to. Maybe those really were the complete wrong eyes to look at, and those the complete wrong lips to kiss.


	8. Glease

Hello everyone! First I'd like to thank all of my reviewers, I love to hear about you opinions on the chapters, it really makes me smile all day long 3 and also to everyone who has followed and favorited the story. Thanks!

Second, I hope you don't want to kill me, I'm so sorry for not updating sooner, it was a crazy week for me, but I did had time to write just I couldn't even open my laptop. Good news is, the next chapter should be up by Monday :D

Third, this is another part chapter-episode, Glease will only have this one and another, I hope you like that :) read and enjoy!

* * *

"How did everything go?" Jesse had tried not to think about Rachel that much when she went to Lima, but since he found that photo in the book, he hadn't been able to spend a single hour without looking at it and sighing. He had been so blinded at the time.

"Fine, thanks. Now that Finn and I are officially," she paused and looked at his eyes intently, "officially broken up, I feel like I can finally focus on what I came to New York to do." He grinned at her and was about to say something else when Cassie entered the studio with several other people behind her.

"All right people, since your inaptitude is making me lose my will to live I decided to bring one of my best upper-class men to help you up your game! Partner up!" Jesse laughed silently at his teacher's words, Cassandra reminded him of so many people; Shelby, that Cheerios coach and himself when he was coaching Vocal Adrenaline. That's why he liked this particular class so much. He knew his classmates weren't that bad and all those mean words of disappointment where actually encouragement ones. He knew everything the teacher said didn't always mean what it was supposed to.

"You heard her, you're with me today St. James, lucky you." He blinked twice trying to get back to the present. Erin was in front of him with that smile she always carried around and made everyone instantly like her. Jesse smiled momentarily at Rachel and then went back to Erin.

"Lucky me." He agreed.

Jesse saw how some junior guy went towards Rachel and partnered up with her. Jesse had never been the extreme jealous type like a certain ex-boyfriend of Rachel's, he knew how to control himself and how to keep his feelings and thoughts to himself which only came out when necessary. But there was something about seeing Rachel with someone else right now that just made the act of breathing harder and harder.

"She's pretty." Erin once again got him out of his head. He didn't want to seem so obvious, Jesse St. James wasn't obvious. He was anything but.

"What?" Playing fool was all he got left, but he knew he was past the stage on where that could've been an option.

"I heard her sing the other night at CallBacks with some other guy, your competition, I assume." Erin position herself with Jesse like every other couple in the classroom and the both started dancing.

"Well, you assume incorrectly, Rachel and I are just friends." He said it and he didn't believed himself, he had always been an excellent actor, he didn't know what was happening to him. Erin chuckled and shook her head casually.

"Jesse, you are forgetting something, I am a woman, I know. You can't take your eyes off her and I think she is starting to notice." He directed his gaze elsewhere at the mention of that, and sighed dramatically.

"You're right," he gave in, "but I just need a couple of weeks to get over this."

"Hey! No!" Erin actually sounded mad and her hold on his shoulder intensified to the point he almost could feel her nails pass through his skin. "That's...that's just stupid, Jesse." Erin frowned. "Something about you tells me that you don't fall in love that often, and you can't just give this away like that, it would be idiotic."

"I'm not in love with her." He said quickly and louder than he had intended to, causing other couples to look at them curiously.

He thought he wasn't in love with her, but what if he was? Would it be that bad? Yes. No. Maybe. The fact was that he had no idea when it came to Rachel, his endless puzzle. There was a reason why he had pushed himself so hard to get over her and now that he was starting to catch feelings for her again, all that hard work was left to oblivion and he couldn't be more thankful for that. Jesse had absolutely forgotten how it felt to have someone for whom you would do anything, like he had done for Rachel so many times now. And with that, his life felt a little more or much more transparent and easy, like he could smile more thanks to Rachel, and he could sleep better thanks to the dreams about her dreaming smile and her hopeful eyes. But, no, obviously he wasn't in love with her.

"Say what you want St. James, but I am telling you, us women have a sixth sense about this, and it won't take too long for her to notice or maybe, she already has." He felt his heartbeat in his head at Erin's words.

"There's nothing to be noticed, believe me, I've read that book before and I didn't like it." Erin gave him a look. Jesse was telling his truth, dating Rachel had been the best and most exhausting experience of his life, besides obviously, being the lead of Vocal Adrenaline.

"Just because you believe you know how it ends doesn't mean you're right. And besides, how many girls can say that Jesse St. James is in love with them? Lucky girl." He raised a skeptical brow at her.

"I'm not in love with her." And every time he said it, the less he believed it.

* * *

"I can't believe you've got a dance audition for The Glass Menagerie."

"Well, Ivan is a very physical director, all of his work has a lot of movement." She had never imagined getting a real audition in a very promising off-Broadway production this soon. Rachel felt like the world was already opening up to her.

"Grease update from Tina! Oh, apparently the girl playing Sandy is gaining so much weight she can't fit in her clothes." Rachel remembered the odd time of her life when she used to be so self-conscious of her body back in her soft-more year and when a certain curly haired guy entered to her life and she suddenly wasn't anymore.

Tina was the only person they had contact with in Ohio so naturally Kurt was asking her all about McKinley and all about Blaine. Tina had texted Kurt about Finn directing the musical along with Artie, Mr. Shue going to Washington, Finn taking over the glee club and that most of the time Finn seemed lost on what he was doing, not much to everyone's surprise, really. The text about Blaine auditioning and turning down the Dany Zuko part came with an extended explanation about Mike being there with Mercedes and why Tina refused to audition herself for the musical on which Kurt didn't bother replying to.

"No. That's unfortunate, but doesn't really have to do anything with us." She could see the distinct puppy dog eye face Kurt was giving her. "No! We're not! We're not going to see it." Rachel had spent all of her savings in her last trip to Lima and when she went she discovered she didn't want to go back, too much to handle on her own. And she imagined that even with Kurt by her side it would be unbearable.

"Not going to see what? What are you doing in my studio Schwimmer? Practicing for you big audition?" Rachel and Kurt stood up almost instantly when they heard Cassandra's voice.

"Yeah, this is actually my roommate Kurt. He's helping me with it." Rachel made a gesture towards Kurt.

"It's an honor to meet you Miss July and ooh! You've got some abs." Rachel shoot a killer glance at Kurt, he just shrugged and showed a half smile.

"How sweet, can you get the bar? So, you were saying, not going to see what?" The both reacted and went to do as she said. Rachel was often very nervous around the teacher, thing that she hadn't seen happening to any other of her classmates. She concluded that it was perhaps because she had the personal feeling that she had to prove herself to the teacher more than anyone else.

"Uh, her recently broken-up ex-boyfriend is directing my recently broken-up ex-boyfriend in a school production of Grease and we've got a bunch of friends in it and so we are debating whether or not we should go." Rachel glanced at Kurt with disbelief. She didn't exactly wanted her teacher to be aware about every little detail of her problems, let alone her personal life. And Rachel could feel that Kurt was trying to be liked by the teacher, she couldn't blame him, if he was trying to get into NYADA he could use all the extra advantages he could get and being liked by The Miss Cassie July was more than an extra inch.

"When is it?"

"This weekend." Kurt answered quickly.

"Oh, you need to go. I mean if you're both not over your exes, it's a perfect opportunity for closure."

"I had closure." Rachel cleared up quickly. That had been the most expensive closure ever, she had to get the last minute tickets to Ohio leaving her without food for at least a month and she could see what Jesse had meant at the time, she just caught it too late. Now she was stuck with what Kurt could afford and praying for Jesse to invite her to lunch or whatever, her extra excuse to be with him.

"...okay, then go have fun, Schwim. Or go because it's Grease, go because it's your friends, your high school." She wasn't that sure she would have fun, she would get to see her dads and Mercedes, it had to be fun, she thought, just it wouldn't be.

"Rachel, I'm going, I need to see him, haven't seen him since. I-I'm not sleeping, I'm living of of Ambien and The Notebook. Please come with me, I can't do it alone." Kurt said. Rachel grimaced, she had made her intentions about not going very clear, but she had, indeed, seen Kurt eat nothing but cans of ice cream all day long and sobbing into his pillow. Rachel had been able to overcome her break-up because she was the one to make the decision and break it up but in the case of Kurt he hadn't had any other choice.

"Look, even if I wanted to go which I don't, we don't have the money." She turned to face Cassandra who was stretching with the bar "Kurt's and intern and I spent all of my money on my last trip home, so." She explained, not sure why, really.

"Well...I could give you my JetBlue frequent flyer miles." Kurt was nodding at Rachel eagerly, "I can't use them since I was banned for my Bloody Mary attack at 3000 feet resulting the hospitalization of three flight attendants." Cassie turned to look at Kurt. "Don't ask. And don't go if you don't want to but I just think you'll regret missing it."

Would she? Regret it? It wasn't quite the experience of a life time, it was just a high school production of Grease, it wasn't much. But then she thought about it again and not more than a year ago a high school production was all her life was about. It may not mean much to her now but it meant a lot to the friends she still got in McKinley and most importantly to Kurt, her best friend.

* * *

"Do you think I should go?" Suddenly Jesse's opinion seemed key and Rachel knew what his exact words would be; the same he had given her when she wanted flied down to Ohio to have a closure with Finn. And maybe she wanted to hear them.

"Where to?" Jesse did not took away his eyes from the TV. Friday night had become movie nights for them and with Kurt at work or hanging out with Isabel all the time they could debate all they wanted about musical theatre and not being disturbed.

"To see the musical." Her tone was more like a questioning than a statement, she was afraid of what he might say.

"That Grease production at McKinley?" Jesse looked at her and frowned.

"The same." She said quickly.

"Do you want to go?"

Should she want to go? Rachel didn't exactly wanted to but, everything was just accommodating itself, with Cassandra giving them the miles she had and Kurt wanting to go so badly. She didn't want to see Finn again and she wouldn't have to anyway, she told herself. Rachel could just sit at the backroad and slip out from the school easily without being seen. But she knew precisely that if Finn was there and her friends were there she would have to say hello at some point and wish them good luck out of courtesy, Tina had mentioned how much everyone had worked in order for the school production to be worthy of everyone's attention and applause like last year with West Side Story. And then there was Kurt, her best friend, who had given up so much for her and had done so much as well for Rachel's happiness and if what Kurt needed was a strong support system to be able to watch Blaine perform and to talk to Blaine at all, she would do it, she would be that system. And at this point her own wanting or not wanting to, hardly mattered.

"I don't know." Jesse sighed and grabbed the remote, later the screen wasn't showing anything anymore. He pushed Rachel to sit down instead of being leaned on him like she was before in order to be able to look at her straight into her eyes.

"Rach, I believe you know what I think but, what is this really about?"

"It's not about Finn, I promise," her voice and words almost seemed like she was trying to justify herself to him. That just made things more difficult for Jesse. "I just..."

"If it is, about Finn, there's nothing wrong with wanting to see him again." The look in Jesse's blue eyes-of frustration and care-made her throat burn and she bit her lip. "And besides, you can't never get enough of Grease." His smile appeared again and the look in his eyes faded slowly, like a very good acting technique.

"Then, come with us, with me." The words were out of her mouth before Rachel could do as much as stop them. This was one of the times she didn't had her filter on and she was surprised at the finding hope instead of embarrassment in her stomach.

Jesse, on the other side, wanted to be with her. He wanted to stop what was growing considerably in his heart every time he watched Rachel sing or speak or smile but every single minute he got to be with her was like being in an audition, with the constant reminder that at any time he could screw up and would not get a call back. But then there was common sense...

"I don't know Rach, it doesn't sound like a good idea, and many of your friends kind of...hate me." He laughed a little at that. Rachel sighed resigned, Jesse was right or sort of, not everybody hated him. And if one of them did, that was because they hadn't met Jesse, just Jesse St. James, the cocky star of Vocal Adrenaline and later the guy who was just being honest with everybody who auditioned for the Nationals solo. It wasn't his fault that Santana's performances often inspired drawing black cats.

"But it's Grease." She insisted and Jesse only chuckled and shook his head.

"As much as I'd love giving your friends some pointers concerned to their flawed performances, I think is best for me to stay here." She sighed and nodded understanding. He just didn't want to make it more awkward when it came to Finn, and it was not like McKinley or Ohio were very special to him. "But, you can call if you need anything, I'll even read you the New Yorker so you know what's happening back here while you're in Ohio." Rachel smiled.

"It's just for two days." Rachel said.

"It's long enough," he stated and Rachel saw him hesitate a little, "and I'll miss you anyway."

"You will?" She couldn't help but smile, there he was, Jesse St. James, telling her he'll miss her, even if she was just gone by the least possible amount of time. Jesse smiled back and nodded absently.

"I will, indeed, Miss Berry. Will you?"

Rachel instantly felt as if joy took over her body and worked with every little impulse she got in her. Her hands laced around his neck and his smile faded. All she could see were blue eyes filled with intensity and hints of a happy gray around it. Their lips touched and the ache she had been carrying around in her lips disappeared. Jesse's hands found her cheek and her waist and held onto it, quickly pulling her closer to him without breaking the contact they had created with their mouths.

As their lips moved and slowly began to deepen the kiss, the feeling couldn't be more indescribable. It was if like a million of drums were playing non-stopping inside their hearts and they were in a whole trance of calmness and the knowledge of how being really fulfilled felt was drowning them both. And then they had to come out for air.

* * *

Soooo...this is kind of a cliffhanger, I think xD tell me about what you think on this and what would you like to see next, it would help a lot :DDD thanks for reading!


	9. Glease Part II

**Hi everyone! I'm sorry about taking long to update :( my brain was dry and everything I wrote was basically trash but I think this turned out really good so I hope you all like it :D**

 **Thanks so much to the people who read, review and inspire me to write more, you're amazing! I want you to have in mind that I practically changed everything I had planned out for this chapter and started from scratch with what many of you wanted to happen, I truly hope you will be happy with this and maybe it is what you expected. Anyway, read and enjoy!**

* * *

"I'll come with you." He whispered to her lips. His thumb circling her cheek like he used to do when he kissed her. All of it was just making Rachel smile like a fool and she couldn't help it. His blue eyes were locked to hers and were refusing to look away made her feel dizzy and thinking she might be dreaming. But the best part was that she wasn't and her heart was beating faster than ever.

"Really?" She asked with disbelief, Jesse nodded with her face still in his hands. "What made you change your mind?" She questioned ignoring that she may already know the answer, she just wanted to hear it from Jesse.

"You." He simply said. Because if he was seriously considering, or better even, deciding he would just drop out his life to go and watch a high school production of Grease directed by one of the people he had truly come to hate in his life, it would only be for Rachel, and only because of her.

His lips touched hers once again making Rachel feel like fainting and her hands traveled from the low of his neck to his hair. The hand before firmly set on her waist softened and moved just slightly lower for Rachel to notice.

He was kissing her now for all the times he had dreamed or thought about it and couldn't. For the long time he had spent without the feeling of her mouth within his, like giving herself to him fully and completely. And he just couldn't get enough of it, of her. The drug he had worked so hard to get out of his system had found its way back in and he resurrected the feeling of being alive and in love.

A deep sigh of relieve and calmness left Rachel for the first time. Their mouths making that delicious dance she had wanted to forget about but couldn't. That little something more that, she hadn't realized until now, had been missing.

Jesse laid her down on the couch and before she pulled him to her again, he took a look at her big brown eyes in the search for something more, he didn't even know what he was looking for, but he found it. Her body stiffened and relaxed in a second once she was fully beneath him. Déjà vu filled both of their minds; memories of how many times had they been in the exact same position, doing the exact same thing.

"Finally." She said which just made Jesse laugh a little against her cheek. The little peeks he began leaving on her, suddenly making her tickle all around her body. And when the kisses against her neck started she just could breathe in long. His hand just moving slowly along her hips and her waist and the other one resting on her ribcage. Rachel's hands went back to his neck, trying to pull him closer to her.

Jesse's full kisses went all over her collar bone and then lower to her chest and just suddenly she couldn't let her eyes be open anymore.

"Oh my god!" Kurt yelled terrified. They had maybe had time to pull apart with the unbelievable noise of the opening door, they just decided not to. Jesse pulled away from Rachel and later the both were just sitting on the couch looking to the floor and then back at each other with a smirk. "I'm not going to be able to sleep now..." Jesse smirked fun with Kurt's reaction and Rachel laughed. "I think I might need a therapist." Kurt concluded, still not fully looking at the couple sitting on the couch. Once he set eyes on Jesse and Rachel, Kurt frowned. "Really, Rachel? On my couch? And you," He said dramatically, looking at Jesse, "out! We have to pack and..." He stopped when he saw the look on their faces. "What are you laughing at? I'm serious here. St. James, out and away. You can say your goodbyes once I am some place where I can't see or hear anything." He gave them one last examining look and walked roughly towards his room and if a curtain could be slammed, at least Kurt tried his best to, which just made Jesse and Rachel laugh louder, then they fell quiet.

They just stared at each other for a while. Rachel with a shy smile on her face and Jesse watching fascinated how she had flushed noticeably. He hadn't thought he would have the bliss of watching that face build up in his presence ever again. And yet there she was, Rachel Berry being shy about them kissing, like the very first times they had. Her eyes just looking at him slightly and then away embarrassed about being caught. Everything about her, and about this moment, just made Jesse believe this wasn't real and the fact that it was only made his smile widen.

* * *

"Are you two serious about this?" Kurt had already sat down in his plane sit, he had been looking at her thoughtfully since the day before when Jesse left the apartment.

"Kurt, can you stop it? I need you to be supportive of me, of my decisions and Jesse is one of them." She argued while struggling with the compartment door.

"I am!" He protested, although he knew, it wasn't always true. "I just don't want you to get hurt again. Back in sophomore year you became a real suicide risk..." Rachel frowned.

"I wasn't!" She sat down finally after getting her suitcase in the tight compartment.

"Exactly, because you had Finn there, with you, like...like a safety net," he said as if he had just found out the code for some big secret. "And now, well, you just have me and I can't provide _that_ kind of comfort." Rachel shook her head.

"Ok so, Finn might have been the reason it didn't hurt that much but, Kurt, I know this time I can truly trust Jesse." She said finally convinced with what she was talking.

Kurt sighed long and nodded reluctantly at the window, there was nothing he could do when it came to convince Rachel of something, there was nothing anybody could do. She was so stubborn and sometimes so aware of her inevitable talent that you just wanted to shut her up.

Jesse appeared from the aisle of the plane and sat down next to Rachel with a smile on his face that seemed to be copied into Rachel's. Kurt took a discreet glance at the tangled hands and concluded that when he really thought about it, there was no one better than Jesse St. James for his best friend.

Both with that insufferable and talented self, he thought to himself.

* * *

"We are so happy to see you Jesse. We haven't met since..." Hiram shot a questioning glance at his partner. "Prom." Jesse nodded and smiled.

"We still have that picture of you two posing in the stairs. That's one of my favorites." Leroy pointed out.

After Burt picked up Kurt from the airport Rachel's dads decided to make an appearance and Rachel was glad about only finding a slight confusion in their faces at seeing Jesse by her side. Later they took them to a restaurant to have lunch.

"Really? I might want a copy of that one. Rachel looked particularly stunning that night." Jesse said with a smirk. Her dads smiled dreamingly at Jesse.

Rachel didn't know why, never figured out why her dads always seemed to like Jesse so much. Even after the egging incident they never took precise sides, as if maybe they had understood his actions and they never judge him for them after. And when she had told them about Jesse wanting to take her to prom, they seemed more than happy about it and though at the moment it made her feel kind of uneasy, now it was the exact opposite. Maybe it had to do with Jesse having a rational mind and not asking Rachel to marry him when she was still in high school. Or maybe it had to do with his good looks and killer charm. Or both.

"We may have time to make one for you." Leroy assured Jesse. "Now, how is NYADA?" Jesse turned to Rachel, waiting for her to answer this one.

"It's great," Rachel started, "last time I was here I didn't have much time to tell you about it. And it turns out, I don't feel fulfilled at the end of the day if I'm not to the drift of exhaustion and dehydration." She joked but her dads looked at her a little worried, how could they not? She thought.

"Don't worry, Mr. Berry, I'm taking care of her." Jesse said, taking Rachel's hand under the table. He had, indeed, taken care of her, since the very beginning.

* * *

"Sweet pea! Someone's waiting for you outside!" Her dads called from downstairs.

Jesse had gone to Akron after the lunch with Rachel's dads, he wanted to see his parents and some friends, taking advantage of his impromptu trip to Ohio. He had promised to pick her up early enough so they could go have dinner before they had to pick up Kurt and then off to McKinley.

Her bedroom had been just like she had left it months ago. The sweet scent of her old perfume had still invaded all her senses once she stepped in. A storm of memories had passed through her eyes. The room seemed almost too yellow and pink for her, she was getting used to having nothing but dark and normal wood combined with all sort of grays and blacks, much like her new wardrobe. The thought of herself now living here was almost laughable at. But it just made her smile. Once she had set foot inside the room for real she felt foreign and whole at the same time. But everything here or in Ohio at all, had all the wrong colors and all the wrong shapes, reminding her again of why she had never fitted in the small home town of hers.

Nostalgia had let her to check all of her forgotten belongings and see if she wanted to take any to New York with her. There wasn't much she wanted to keep; the mixtape Shelby had made was one of her more precious belongings, also the first yearbook glee club photo, one of her dads and herself smiling. And she decided that once she had to go back to NY, her dads would have one prom photo less.

Rachel traveled back to her reflection in the mirror and decided her hair and makeup looked good enough, she grabbed her purse and hurried down the stairs, gave her dads a kiss on the cheek and what she saw after closing the her door, well...

She just had to laugh.

"A Range Rover? Really, Jesse?" He looked up at her and stayed quiet, staring at her with his mouth slightly opened, which made her flush a little.

"What? How was I supposed to get here from Akron?" He said finally. "And besides, this is Ohio, it reminded me of old times." He added with a smirk on his face.

"When you were Jesse St. James the star of Vocal Adrenaline," she started saying, walking slowly from her doorstep to where he was, "going to the University of California, Los Angeles. I don't know if you've heard of it, it's in Los Angeles." She said teasingly while walking closer to him.

"Precisely." He reached out for her with a smile and got her in his arms, catching her lips with his. "You look beautiful." She smiled shyly at him, fully aware she could not look away with the way he was holding her, there was no escape from his gaze, and she loved to be trapped in it.

"Should we get going?" She suggested.

"Of course." He let her go of his embrace and walked her to the car door, helped her get in the vehicle and only a couple of moments later he was on the driver's sit. He started the car and drove away from her house, or more accurately, only her parents' house now. "Where would you prefer to go?" He asked.

"I know just the place." She said with a smirk.

* * *

It wasn't official until they had dinner at Breadsticks, well, at least in Rachel's head. It was kind of a tradition to go to Breadsticks and she wanted to share it with Jesse, even though he didn't seem to be thrilled with her choosing of a restaurant.

"Well, this isn't that bad." He concluded after trying a bite of what Rachel had ordered for him in the sight of him having absolutely no clue about what was clear to taste.

"See? I told you."

"Well, last time I just had a coffee and I wasn't feeling very well the following day." She glanced at him. "Maybe it just had to do with the fact that I wasn't able to spend the rest of that night with you." He looked at her thoughtfully. Rachel felt a big sting at his words.

"I-I'm sorry about that." She said slowly, looking at the napkin holder in the middle of the table. Rachel hadn't really apologized for that, or for anything after that, and it made the act of looking at Jesse in the eyes harder now.

"Hey," he tilted her chin up, "it's okay, all of that was years ago and besides..." He leaned over real slowly, taking her unsure eyes with him once their lips touched and softly moved together. "We have this now." And that was more than enough. He had, more than a while ago, buried any possible feeling towards Rachel that wasn't love or the inevitable admiration he had always held for her and her hypnotizing voice.

He had been nervous on his way to Rachel's house, and being nervous was something that didn't happen to him that often or ever. Jesse had been serious about not wanting to go and see the play because of Rachel's friends dislike towards him, thing that some, had right back to them. He was nervous because he wanted Rachel and he wanted to be a part of her life now, and not just as a friend. But when he saw her walking out of her house, all of that sticky and foreign feeling of nervousness disappeared and he couldn't think of anything that wasn't her anymore.

Rachel, as he knew her and remembered her, was always music and fire. The way her hair fell in long and thick waves led him straight into her chocolate eyes, which since he has the memory of, reminded him of piano keys moving to the notes of a particular song she always seemed to inspire in him and it wasn't until now, looking at her in that booth of a restaurant with the low lightning, that he saw the lights of the city in her eyes. That he saw her clearer and brighter than anything and anyone else. Rachel Berry, as always, left him speechless.

* * *

The hallways weren't big anymore, the classrooms no longer boring and the lockers looked like what they were, not something you could be slammed against at any time of any day. This wasn't her world anymore, and she couldn't help the proud smile that crept up on her face.

Jesse had his arm around her and she was hugging his torso, the way they were walking down the halls, Rachel had to admit, was a bit uncomfortable, but it didn't mattered. She could be closer to him that way and the addicting scent of his cologne reached her nose better making her wonder how it would be to wake up and go to sleep with that perfect scent and the person who carried it beside her. Just a thought.

Kurt was walking by her side looking anxious with his eyes wide open making him look like the complete opposite of Rachel, nervous and scared. They reached the auditorium without bumping into anyone, luckily. Everyone must have been backstage.

"I'll be right back." She told Jesse once they were in the wide room, walking away after giving him a quick kiss on the lips. Kurt insisted they should go backstage and say hello to everyone, Rachel very well knowing he just wanted to run into Blaine, she didn't exactly understand why, but she didn't question his reasons or impulses, just followed him through the small crowd until they saw Blaine's perfectly gelled hair.

"Rachel," Kurt whispered, "take me out of here. I-I can't do this." Blaine looked so taken aback with seeing Kurt, as if he had seen a ghost and with Kurt's skin becoming even paler, he could be confused for one.

"Yes, yes you can." She encouraged, grabbing him by the shoulders and keeping him from running away. "You're Kurt Hummel and you are the strongest person I know. You need to do this." She finished giving him the last encouragement words just in time for Blaine to become a closer part of the scene. Her two friends stared at each other with grimaces that were at first, meant to be very fake smiles. She stood by Kurt's side squeezing his hand like in a tender suggestion to speak up, which he did almost immediately after.

"Blaine." He started confident. "How are you?" Rachel smiled to herself. _Kurt's got this._

"Uh, fine. What are you doing here? I thought..." Blaine spoke and then looked at Rachel a little uncomfortable. "Kurt, can I talk to you for a minute here?"

"Well, I'll give you two a moment, then." She said quickly. "I'll be with Jesse." She told to Kurt and gave him one last squeeze on his shoulder, one last piece of encouragement that she knew, he no longer needed.

Rachel walked as fast as she could between all that people and costumes and props to where she knew the backstage door to the auditorium was, but was suddenly startled by a familiar face.

"Mercedes!" She greeted happily and giggled giving her friend a tight hug. "What are you doing here?"

"I ask the same about you." She said between small laughs. "Finn and Artie asked for my help a couple of weeks ago and well, here I am." She explained happily and her face fell slowly noticing that she might have said the particular name too fast, too soon after the break-up. Remembering how the light in Finn's face had quickly dimmed at the mention of Rachel's name. And Mercedes face only concentrated a small confusion when Rachel's smile stayed the same as before. Either the girl had moved on real fast or her show face game was too strong. Mercedes discarded the last one after noticing the genuine about Rachel's expression.

"That's great. Kurt and I wanted to see the play, Tina mentioned how hard you guys worked on it." Rachel answered to the before asked question. Mercedes nodded with pride on her face, they had really busted their asses in that play. There was just the hope of having a great show left, they had checked everything to the last little detail. The rest was in the hands of these inexperienced high school kids, she thought.

* * *

"I think she was a risky choice of a Sandy." Jesse argued.

"Why? Because she was a brunette?" She said with a brow raised.

"No. You would have done a hell of a Sandy." He said smirking. "That girl was too flat and her voice was a few tones downer than it should've been." Rachel stayed silent considering his statement. The girl wasn't the perfect Sandy, not at all, but she did had emotion. Blaine was born to play Dany Zuko and instead they had given some weird new kid the part. And the lack of emotion in the play made a painful knot build up in her stomach before the first act had finished. The one thing that had been right about that play had been Santana as Rizo and she was in college.

"But she had a beautiful voice, nonetheless." She said finally, giving Jesse just the slight agreement, waiting for it to go straight into his head. Jesse snorted shortly.

"You're never going to let me win, are you?" He said placing an arm around his girlfriend.

"No." She replied simply with a beaming smile on her face. "What's the fun in that?"

"Rachel." She heard the awfully familiar voice and she didn't want to turn around, not now. "You came." There was a big pause before she decided to break her new little pink bubble with Jesse St. James. "And you brought him." Rachel took a long breath and directed her head and eyes to Finn Hudson, granting him once again with the attention she had decided he didn't deserve anymore.

"Finn." She said with the faker smile there was on her face. "Congratulations, the play was great." She could hear Jesse's little inside laugh. If only they hadn't been talking the exact opposite only a couple of minutes ago.

"Thank you, it means a lot." And through all that Jesse was staying awfully quiet making her feel even more awkward in her skin.

"Rach, I think we should go." Jesse offered fall of a sudden and she could breathe calmly again. She nodded slightly and was about to say a breve goodbye when Finn's voice reached her ears.

"Could you leave us alone? We kind of have to talk." Finn said directed to Jesse and then Finn's glare became even more tough as he saw how Jesse's hand suddenly laid across her waist, making him seem to be a little closer to Rachel than what he really was. She smiled once he felt Jesse hold her again.

"No." Jesse replied confident.

"Actually Finn, I don't know what there is to talk about." Rachel stated sharply and for a moment her eyes wandered all around except Finn. She could be a dramatic person, but when it came to real life confrontations, when she was no longer on stage being someone else, she couldn't deal with it. Jesse's arm around her, pretty much said everything, the possessiveness he held when he was looking at her said even more, she didn't have to explain it to Finn, or so she thought. But with one quick glance, she saw how Finn's expression softened and the bitterness in his eyes was becoming sower.

"Wow," he started, frowning again. "I get it, you two are together now..." Finn gulped down, he could almost be heard thinking. "I suppose that's my fault, isn't it? I let you go and he was there, didn't I told you this would happen?" Jesse raised an eyebrow and then frowned taken aback. Finn was just talking to himself or maybe thinking out loud without noticing because he didn't seem to be talking to Rachel or to anybody.

"We have to go, it was really nice to see you Finn, and the play was real great." She lied, walking away to where Kurt was standing at the end of the hall, looking as if he had just witness one of the most tragical and hilarious scenes on all Hollywood history. Jesse shoot one last glance at Finn and walked away shortly after without a word spoken to Finn.

"Hey, St. James." He called from behind, Jesse didn't turn around, he just stopped walking like indicating he was listening. "Enjoy your time with my girlfriend, it won't be too long until she realizes where she belongs. I'll make sure of it."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Please, leave me your thoughts on this one :) till the next chapter ;)**


	10. Dynamic Duets

**Hello everyone! Thanks so much to the people who read, review and inspire me to write more, you're amazing! Love you guys! 3**

 **The chapter has nothing to do with the episode of Dynamic Duets, the title is just so that it is chronologically set, and although there is a line where you can relate it with what is happening in McKinley at the time, there's just it, nothing more. Anyway, I really hope you like it. Enjoy!**

* * *

Jesse St. James, the guy she had met when she was just a sophomore, in a music store. Jesse St. James who had serenaded her with 'Hello' with just two minutes of actually meeting her and now, Rachel was finding herself listening to the song over and over again as if remembering how she had felt that first time she saw him and the first time she had heard him sing. She smiled to herself. Jesse had been her first true boyfriend, her first true love, mattering or not what had been his reasons to speak to her in the first place then (which didn't matter, not anymore anyway). The first guy she had brought to her dads to meet and the first one she had felt comfortable enough to talk endlessly about her porcelain boot and who knew as much of musical theater as her and wasn't ashamed of it. Who had taught her someone could love her back because of being herself and not in spite of. Coming to a conclusion in her mind; Jesse St. James had been just Jesse with her all along.

"Ugh! Could you please stop looking so...happily in love? Some people over here do not live in the stars." She blinked twice at the sound of Kurt's irritated voice coming out the bathroom.

"That's not my fault, you know?" Kurt passed in front of her and stopped to raise and indignant brow at her and then walked away.

"Anyway," he ignored, "how was St. James? Did he reached your expectations?" Kurt said smirking. Rachel flushed instantly and opened her eyes a bit more, then to just look away slightly embarrassed. "You have done it, haven't you?" He asked, reading his best friend very well.

"No." She replied slowly. Kurt raised both eyebrows surprised and Rachel just frowned at this. "What? We have been 'dating' for like two weeks, I mean, it's okay that we haven't...is it?" Kurt sighed and smiled sweetly at Rachel.

"Yeah, sure. It's just that, you're practically there when I arrive and we're not in high school anymore Rachel, this kind of stuff works differently and I think Jesse knows it." He walked towards her and sat down near her in the couch. "And besides, the poor guy has been waiting years..."

Rachel rolled her eyes at that, but then caught herself thinking about it as possible. That Jesse might be expecting something to happen soon, very soon. She bit her lip. And she might want it too.

* * *

Being with her like this, knowing he could lean over and catch her lips whenever he wanted left him to be utterly confused. Because if he was being totally honest he wanted to do more than just that. Jesse knew, remembered being a better word for this, the quiet dilemma he had suffered through their relationship when he was a senior in high school. When they were making out suddenly feeling he was pushing it too much and with Rachel saying she wasn't ready, he wondered every time they were in her bedroom if she was ever going to be. He didn't want to ask the question now, not feeling like it maybe, or too afraid of the answer he had knowledge was a yes; she was no longer a virgin, he knew. And Jesse didn't know how to act with that information held.

"Hey, do you want to come over?" He could almost see Rachel biting her lip, looking away slightly flushed even though they were just talking through the phone. "Um, Kurt is out and-"

"I'll be there." He interrupted strongly, and with a grin on his face.

Two weeks had gone by since they attended the too flawed performance of Grease and they had also became 'a thing' and they had seen each other every day and had a heated make out session in her couch almost every night, and always being caught by Kurt, who later had suggested to Rachel they moved to her room because if not he'd had to-this time for real-go and search for help in a therapist's office. They had, one night, moved it over to her bedroom, her bed, and that was when he realized why they hadn't before; Jesse didn't know how far to take it or how far would Rachel want to go and he wouldn't ask. The couch was a far more convenient location debt to Kurt being (unfortunately for him) their bell. And now Kurt wouldn't be there any time soon to 'save' him and they would have a bed. Rachel's bed, that since always had been his doom.

That was all Jesse could think about on the way to Rachel's and only stopping to buy a bottle of wine and once he got out of the liquorish he frowned and stood still in the street. They were really going to do 'it', and he raised both brows. Why was he feeling so...uneasy about this? This was Rachel, the girl of his dreams and who had become his best friend twice now.

Knocking on her door Jesse felt his heartbeat speed up and even more when the most beautiful woman stood in front of him once again that day. Jesse had to think, really, of how much Rachel had grown, remembering how she was the first time he actually talked to her in that-not at all conveniently located for him-music store. And now, of how he has the chance to see her and know her again, know this person that he always knew Rachel would become, the person he always looked at her by, not just because of her breathtaking voice, but because of all of her and the way she speaks truthfully about herself and people surrounding her, how she expresses her dreams and her hopes and her goals to all people, that Jesse had learned long ago, it wasn't principally to just brag about, it was because she wanted to be known by the person who hid inside her for so long and who Jesse was seeing how grew in herself everyday more and more, it was just something no one could ever take away from him. He would like to say it was because of him, that would've been an honor, but it was all Rachel, it was always all Rachel.

Their eyes were sparkling as they stared at each other for a while. He looked at the floor and chuckled, act followed by her. He noticed her struggle for words, and acknowledged his own. But Jesse just couldn't rely on words anymore. So he kissed her. He let his tired strength be what pulled her closer to him, and his earlier nervousness be lost with his hands on her waist, let her hands around his neck stead his thoughts and erase any hesitation he had. And her lips be his own type of paradise.

Jesse stepped inside and closed the door, Rachel pulled him backwards and a second later Jesse was pushed down eagerly onto her bed, and those familiar and heated lips were kissing his neck. He didn't even know when or how, but his hands got their own life and he could feel Rachel's body again, but like he had never done before, like she had never let him. And then she pulled away, leaving Jesse once again inside his long forgotten misery, one that only Rachel Berry could put him in.

"I'll be right back in just a minute." She smiled and walked nervously to the bathroom. Jesse smirked, this felt quite like it had felt three years ago, he just couldn't decide whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.

 _Just come out so we can talk, or sing about it._ Definitely not singing about this time. Hope he wouldn't have to.

He laid down, looked at the ceiling and a phone rang, vibrating through the sheets until Jesse found it.

"Rach! Your phone is ringing!" He called down to her.

"Answer it, please!" Jesse sighed and looked at the ID caller that was identified as unknown. The ringing tone was becoming annoying in his feverish intend to let it go to voice mail , because of feeling awkward answering a phone that wasn't his, so he answered instead.

"Rachel?" Jesse stayed quiet trying to recognize the voice, that he was afraid, knew. "You know, lately I've been feeling like a superhero, like I can fly and stuff, like I can do anything." Jesse wanted to laugh but instead remained quiet as Finn kept talking. "And I think that involves getting you back, because you know that in the end it will always be us both." Finn said with his entirely hearable smirk and Jesse no longer wanted to laugh. "And you also know that St. Jerk is just a phase and the fact that you are letting me tell you all of this is because you are considering it. I know you Rachel." Jesse gulped down. He didn't even know when he started to feel intimidated by Finn Hudson. Didn't understand why, because, is Finn he's talking about. That clumsy lost giant, the same that had beaten Jesse in the race to Rachel's heart two times now. The first one, Jesse had to admit, had been his own fault. Trying to fake oblivion of that one insecurity he knows he has, Jesse snorted shortly but long enough so that Finn could feel that awful mortification in his stomach.

"Yes, well, Finn, I'll pass through your moving massage to _my_ girlfriend." He said firmly but with a hint of mock and possession all together.

"What are you doing answering Rachel's phone?" Finn demanded after a big pause.

"She told me to." Jesse spoke confident. "Clearly thinking it would be someone important. It amazes me how fast she deleted your number." He pointed out, knowing precisely how it would make Finn's head burn.

"You don't know that." Finn defended.

"The call was marked as unknown. But could you please stop calling, this is getting kind of lame." He was about to hang up, but he heard Finn's voice again.

"I can't do that." And Jesse knew he wouldn't, but he needed to, if he truly cared about Rachel, like Jesse had done before. Letting her experience the happiness she's been deprived from in Lima, the happiness Jesse is sure she is feeling in New York.

"I thought you could do anything, superman." Jesse teased.

"Whatever, I'm calling later, when she's alone." Finn assured, which just made Jesse clench his jaw and wish the guy was there so he could punch him once and for all.

"Well, good luck with that."

He wasn't about to leave Rachel alone, not tonight anyway. But Jesse knew he had to, at some point, and Rachel will answer Finn's call one day or one night and Jesse is not sure what her answer will be to that little speech of Finn's. He frowned worried that he just might be, a phase. But he wouldn't be, not if it's up to him.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading :D leave me your thoughts on this one :)**

 **And also, Happy Birthday Eri! I love you! You are the best!**

 **I hope you guys are having a great start this month, till next chapter ;)**


	11. Thanksgiving

**Hello everyone! I am so sorry! I had this chapter almost done like three weeks ago and I just had so much going on in my life that I couldn't finish it, until now. I also had no intention of updating close to the actual Thanksgiving, let alone after so I really am sorry. And I want you to know that I am completely determined to complete this story, so you people reading, don't worry. I just hope my head hasn't lost all of its creativity and that this chapter turns out good enough for all of you :D please read and enjoy! Also, thank you for the reviews they mean a lot to me ^^**

* * *

 _"Who called?" Rachel stepped outside of the bathroom with smile on her face, obviously oblivious of what just had happened. Jesse looked at her with intense eyes and then looked away like trying to avoid her sight; like if somehow seeing Rachel would change his mind._

 _Jesse cleared his throat, got up from her bed and looked at her one last time before saying._

 _"I'm sorry Rach, I have to go, something came up and...Yes." He nodded once, he walked up to Rachel and leaned over to kiss her on the cheek quickly. And just before Rachel could protest Jesse's sudden leaving, the door was closed and she was left standing confused and alone in her apartment._

 _Rachel frowned and looked around, trying to find what had been wrong, what had changed Jesse´s mood so that he wanted to leave all of a sudden. Who had called?_

 _She reached out for her pink phone resting on the bed. The call had been marked as unknown, but that number, she'd recognize it everywhere, that number she had taken so long to memorize and was having a hard time to forget. Finn had called, and she finally understood the why of everything. The curiosity of what they had talked about, and why had Finn called. Maybe it was an emergency, she thought, or maybe it was just stubborn and highly childish Finn trying to find the worst moment to interrupt her life in New York._

 _As soon as she got herself in bed, the impromptu feeling of suspense filled her stomach and she just had to know why. She dialed Finn's number and at the first ring she decided to hang up, that wasn't a good idea, at all. She sighed long with frustration before turning off the lights and wait for Kurt to come back so she could tell him everything and he could have a better answer for all of this than she had._

* * *

"Are you sure you'll be okay here?" Kurt asked for the millionth time that day. His suitcase was packed with all his killer outfits, because he was sure he was going to see Blaine again, and Blaine, of course, had to eat his heart out.

"Could you please stop asking? I'll be fine. New York in the fall, my first Thanksgiving here, I will be more than great." Rachel said with her show face on while more than one lie left her mouth.

"Okay, it's just that, you're all alone." He grimaced after saying. Rachel knew that sometimes Kurt had the lack of being sensitive with other people's hard times and tragedies, but that was just him, he didn't even notice.

"I'm not," she protested, "I have Je-"

"The guy who hasn't talked to you in three days? That Jesse?" He interrupted sarcastically. Rachel bowed her head and bit her lip. Kurt was talking nothing but the sore truth. And although she didn't want to admit it to herself, Jesse had been avoiding her, in every class, and every phone call or text. And Rachel was trying to understand he perhaps needed space to think things through, but she also needed him with her.

She couldn't go back to Ohio with Kurt, because while this was his second visit, this would be her third, and all of her savings couldn't afford that, not that that had ever stopped her before, but this time it didn't feel necessary. It would be, frankly, a waste of everything.

"It doesn't matter anyway." She said frowning at the wall. "I have New York and I have me, that's all I need." She stated clearly, so that it wouldn't be left any dude of hesitation from Kurt or herself, although, for real, there was a lot.

"Okay, great, we can add independent Rachel to the list." He said teasing. "That's one I hadn't in my card collection." Rachel smirked and rolled her eyes. She knew Kurt was just trying to make her feel better.

Kurt took a quick glance at the clock and breathed in long.

"Okay, if I want to make my flight I have to go now, but I don't want to leave you just yet." He spoke nearly pouting. Rachel half smiled at her best friend and hugged him tightly.

"Happy Thanksgiving." She whispered, trying to mostly keep her voice in a place where it wouldn't crack and put her whole facade down. She was fine, she was happy, she wasn't homesick, Jesse was just another guy, every single thing she tried to convince herself of, and hadn't been able to, in a long while, because it wasn't true.

* * *

The ID caller wasn't someone he knew, but somehow Jesse had seen the number light up his screen before and he decided to answer. The street was crowded, not like he could remember any differently. He stopped in the corner of a street, passed a hand through his hair and placed his phone against his ear.

"Hello?"

"Look St. James, my plane is about to take off, so I don't have much time to do this, you need to get it fast." Jesse smirked and shook his head. Of course, it was Kurt, he's got to remember the number.

"What is it Kurt?" He questioned looking up to the sky, it was going to be a rainy day.

"Are you kidding me? I call you and Rachel doesn't, something weird? Yes, yes, I'm sorry lady, this is kind of important. No, well, then you'll just have to wait!" Jesse let out a small laugh but then his face went back to serious street walker.

He just didn't know what to say to her, he saw Rachel and it was like words had been taken away from him. He concluded, he needed space to think things through and maybe Rachel did too. It was just best for the both of them. And he just had to admit what he hadn't wanted to; he missed Rachel more than he had ever missed performance, and that wasn't exaggerating, the thought just made him realize even more how much he cared about her, because performance was his entire life, it was what his life had been built around. It was his everything, but like he had said before in one McKinley auditorium, and had been his one very truth at the time and now as well. Rachel was who mattered more than fame and show bis, she was who mattered more than everything. And he missed her.

"Where is she?" Jesse asked suddenly, getting out of his clouded mind.

"She's in our apartment, alone, is thanksgiving." Jesse nodded, understanding what he most likely was supposed to do. "Go, St. James!" Jesse laughed.

"Thank you." He said genuinely. "Happy Thanksgiving, Kurt." He remembered.

"Yeah, uh, you too."

* * *

She could order something, she could watch a movie, a musical to be exact, but she had discussed every single one with Jesse, they had disputed if that one actor was better than the one before. Which one of them could sing certain song the best, who could pull off that one kind of dance move, who knew more about musical theatre, and the funny thing was that at the end the both of them ended up winning and losing, and they just couldn't end up a tie.

So she decided to go to sleep early and when she'd wake up the next morning the homesickness would be almost gone and the uneasy feeling of missing something would be too. Her pajamas and the sound of rain outside were helping her get asleep, but just barely because there was just this sentiment that something was going to happen, and also, she had been waiting for Kurt to call and tell her he was alright, and that he had made it safe to Ohio. But that wouldn't come, she knew it, Kurt would be too caught up in greeting and food, in family and friends to call her. She had been the only one who couldn't make it to Ohio, like she had promised to her glee friends. Home for the holidays. _Yeah right_. And she hadn't told Kurt, or anyone for that matter, but she hadn't exactly wanted to go.

The rain started to intensify. In Ohio it was mostly just cold this time around the year, she still was getting used to the bipolar weather of New York but so far she liked it, like she had been born to live there, in the big apple. Some noise startled her.

One...two...three knocks on the door, the fourth one came as more insistent and the first situation she thought of was Kurt forgetting something and coming back for it, but that would be odd since Kurt had taken a cab to the airport four hours before. Her head went ahead to the second scenario while she got up quickly from her bed, which included a producer and some headhunter, and to be frank, to Rachel it seemed less likely than the first one. Her head stopped toying with the possibilities as she opened the door with one strong pull.

"Can I come in?" His hair was wet, that was the first thing she noticed, then the clothes which were as damp as his hair was. Jesse was carrying two bags, which sure enough, were keeping takeout from some restaurant.

Rachel's heart deemed at the sight of Jesse like this and smiled unconsciously. She had just missed him so much, more than she would have ever let herself admit. Rachel throw herself at Jesse and rested her head tightly on his chest while her arms were firmly tangled around him. She heard something being dropped to the floor, the bags with the food, then his arms were rounding her and his chin was on top of her head after he kissed her forehead chastely. They stayed like that for short minutes until Jesse talked.

"I'm sorry." She didn't want to get away from him, so she hold onto him even more than she already was. Rachel nodded.

"It's okay, the important thing is that you are here now." She said truthfully.

"No, Rach, listen." His arms weren't around her anymore and he lifted up her chin so that their eyes met. "I'm sorry I was so insecure about us, about you. I promise it will never happen again, it's just that, since life started for me, you are what I have always wanted the most and for some reason I never get to get you, completely, and the thought that I can now, it just seemed odd. Finn called when I was here, he just kept saying he was going to get you back..." He paused and looked away. "Anyway, I just thought you'd be better with him, you have been." He concluded and Rachel frowned. Maybe she had been ordinarily happy with Finn, but just the word 'better' didn't fit into those memories. It fitted into others, it fitted into right now.

"There's no one better for me than you." Rachel's own words caught her off guard. She realized then how much she had always believed on that statement, even before she had moved to New York, always lingering secretly in her mind.

Jesse had to acknowledge that she had just quoted what he had known all along about her, only it had been hidden for Rachel's perfect high school dream and the comfort that came with it. It was time to let it out too.

"Then we're on exactly the same page."

* * *

"So I said: 'you girls are going to need another cup." Everyone laughed at Puck's joke even though to Kurt it didn't make any sense and he started to worry about how maybe that was what it was going to happen for now on. That everybody would have new groups of people to hang out with whom would have different points of view and senses of humor. And he just didn't want that to happen. Not just yet at least. "Yeah but, guys I'd like to propose a toast to almost all of us keeping our promise to come home for Thanksgiving." To Kurt and to everyone it was pretty sure Puck was talking about Rachel and in the way he did, the way everyone were sharing glances almost spitefully, it made Kurt feel bad.

"Yeah! Cheers!"

"Cheers to us!"

"Kurt, how is Rachel?" Santana asked, with a big fake smile on her face. He could easily tell that Santana's life wasn't full of happiness like she had been telling people it was.

Kurt shared a glance with Finn almost too quickly for anyone to notice. He hadn't exactly thought through what was okay to say, but then again, Rachel hadn't prohibit anything to him, hadn't asked him to hide anything about her life or who she was currently dating and just for the slightest little tiny moment Kurt thought he could keep it a secret and spare himself any kind of trouble from either sides of the field.

"She's dating St. Jerk again." Finn announced, all eager to be the one to break the news even though it wasn't his place to, it wasn't anybody's place to. Just Rachel's.

"What?" Mercedes almost yelled trying to not spit her drink all over everyone. "How? When?"

"Yeah, I didn't even know he was in New York." Puck said indignantly as if he would have had the right to know first.

"I did." Quinn admitted. "I'm sorry Finn. She emails me every other week so we are kind of keeping in touch. I´m happy for her." Quinn's comment seemed to ease the heavy air that had started to grow between the friends. Kurt smiled at her thankfully.

"Just to answer everyone's unspoken questions. They've been dating for almost a month now. Jesse is in NYADA and has really changed." He said the last part also as a reminder to himself.

"You call him Jesse now?" Finn asked, scowling at his step-brother.

"Well, that is his name, Finn." Quinn intervened.

"Is Rachel happy?" Santana asked all of a sudden and everyone turned to see her. That one very question nobody had ever heard her ask, but in that moment everyone was wondering themselves the same thing so much to pay more attention to just that.

Trusting that his call to Jesse did any good, Kurt just answered by instinct. "She is."

"She did look like it last time I saw her." Mercedes remembered. "And no matter how much I may had disliked the guy before, her happiness is all that matters to me." She said smiling. "Please let her know that." She said now directed to just Kurt.

"That's all that matters to us." Puck spoke for everyone in the table, except for just maybe Finn who kept frowning but didn't said a thing.

* * *

"Hello?" Rachel answered her phone giggling and walking towards the fire escape ladder, stepping out of her apartment just for a moment. "Kurt? How is everything?"

"Well, if I am to trust your giggling and voice I'd say that not better than you right now, but it's okay." Said Kurt and Rachel smiled. She liked when people on their own noticed her mood and she didn't have to be spreading the news around.

"How's everyone? Did you talked to the guys?"

"Uh, yeah. I actually just had a meal with them, you know, maybe that was not the best move since Thanksgiving dinner comes next but I just had missed the BreadSticks food so much."

"Even after Isabel told you she had food poisoning there?"

"Even after that." He assured.

"So, what is everyone been up to?" Rachel said. She didn't know if she was doing a good job of hiding her furious curiosity, because she didn't want everyone to know just how truly she liked gossip.

"Santana's in college, still. Puck says he's living it out in LA. Mercedes is starting out as a background singer for some artist I don't know much about. Quinn had been bragging about entering some kind of secret Nazi sorority in Yale and Finn is trying to figure out how to run a glee club, he asked us to mentor some of his kids, but I said no, you know how I hate children." Rachel laughed out loud. "What?" Kurt said with his high pitch voice, frowning.

"Kurt, the people you're referring to as children are just two years younger than you are."

"My point exactly. Children." Rachel laughed a little more before giving up on the fact that there was no way to make Kurt change his mind around.

"I'm glad everyone is doing fine." Rachel said smiling and playing with the drops of the cold rain that were flowing down the ladder iron bars.

"They know about you and St. James." Kurt said slowly.

"You told them?" Rachel asked simply, calmed and focused on the inside of her apartment which just seemed to be warmer and warmer at every minute she spent out in the cold.

"No, Finn did. They all say they're happy that you're happy...you are happy, aren't you?"

"Yes, I am." She sighed. "Jesse came by a little while after you were gone, he apologized, and he brought food from this amazing restaurant downtown, you know neither one of us can cook. We were watching Chicago before you called." She said beaming with happiness. "Thanks for calling him by the way, he told me." Kurt chuckled and nodded, sure about how Rachel could almost see him do it.

"Anything for you." He assured. "Happy Thanksgiving, Rachel."

"You too. Enjoy your dinner and say hello for me to everyone, please."

"I will. Love you, see you soon."

"Bye, I love you too."

Rachel climbed down the fire escape ladder, closed the rigid window and walked towards the couch where Jesse was laying on.

"How's Kurt?" Asked Jesse who after seeing Rachel scoped over in the couch. She sighed.

"He's fine..."

"What's gotten in to you? Did he say something that upset you?" Jesse asked, his brow frowned in obvious concern. Rachel took the sit beside Jesse and let her head rest on his shoulder.

"No, nothing. It's just that...I miss my dads, the times I went over to Ohio were full of events and things I had to do. I didn't spend that much of a time with them and Thanksgiving was always so full of traditions, now I miss everything." Jesse grimaced. He loved how Rachel has the family he never did. But he always considered that he didn't miss his home that much because of how not close his family is; that he was able to move on so fast just because of that. And it was awful.

"It's okay to feel homesick, Rach. But you'll see your dads at Christmas and it'll be worth the waiting. You'll see." She half smiled at him, not being able to give him a genuine smile because if she attempted to, the tears would start to fall. Jesse gave her a peak on her temple and protected her with his embrace. Thinking of just how much his life had turned around in such a little amount of time. That had happened to him twice and both of that times had been because of Rachel. Now, he couldn't imagine his life without her, not even with the slight acknowledge of her whereabouts.

"I don't ever want to be alone again, Jesse...can you promise me I won't be? Please." Rachel said. Jesse turned to see her and watched how her eyes had gave in and the path that tears had marked was so visible because of the light.

"You won't Rach, I promise. Even if I'm not with you, you won't ever be." He held her tighter and grabbed her hand until her breathing was softer and he realized she had fallen asleep.

Jesse could acknowledge the harm he had done to people before in his life. He had to learn that words do actually hurt people and that things are not handed to you just because of how badly you want them to. That you have to work and make an effort for your dreams to come true; and that was one thing Rachel had taught him long ago. She had had to show everyone she did had what it's needed. She also taught him that the only way to grow as a person is to know that the things you do have consequences and you cannot take it lightly. He had admired Rachel for a long time now, but it wasn't until he was sweeping the tears off her face and holding her that Thanksgiving night that he realized...

"I love you."

* * *

 **Aaaaaand...that is it for now, I hope you liked it :D please leave me a comment with your thoughts on this chapter. I will update this soon, promise, hopefully before Christmas. And I wish you all a happy December ;)**


	12. Swan Song Part I

**Well, hello! Long time no see! I'm such a horrible person :( I said I would post before Christmas and I did not! I know! We're in February 2016, and I'm such a horrible person. Again, I'm sorry. I know I say that a lot xD but it's just that with school and real life, I really have no time. But, good thing is that I have the next chapter already written so it WILL be posted soon.**

 **So last time we saw Jesse he said 'I love you' to Rachel. Big thing, I know. And even though I wrote it, I still felt like it was too fast and I have a propose for it, because not all of this story is fluff, I swear my brain dries off with fluff xD And this chapter is kind of what happens between Thanksgiving and the Winter Showcase in Swan Song. Only a line or two in the next chapter refers to what happens in McKinley at the time, because as you already noticed this story has nothing to do with that. Just NYC and my babies :))) I'll let you read now, enjoy!**

* * *

He said it, and she was asleep.

Any other person wouldn't have trouble saying it out loud again when she woke up. But he did. He was a confident person, sometimes way over confident, it was true. But somehow when it came to Rachel he always felt exposed and when those three little words left his mouth he couldn't have felt any more insecure; not on what he felt, on what Rachel would feel. And for a second he was thankful that she hadn't heard him but the next he felt incapable and nervous, and a bunch of questions started to pop up in his head.

 _What if she did hear me? What if she doesn't feel the same way? What if I am not ready to say it again? What is wrong with me?_

Never had Jesse St. James felt so vulnerable by saying just words, but then again, those words meant everything to some people, he just didn't see himself as one of them. He always thought they were meaningless and could be said at ease with no kind of commitment attached to them. Also, the last time he said something like it was when...

 _"I loved you."_ And then he cracked and egg on her head and didn't spoke to her in over a year. _Big acting experience though. Asshole._

Jesse was absolutely fine with saying those words without meaning, but this was way different, this was Rachel and this also was his first damn serious relationship, and it was with her, he couldn't give himself the luxury to screw things up, not again.

Minute by minute his brain produced so many questions, so many answers, so many situations he wasn't ready to deal with, until finally when he was too exhausted of brain-wracking himself, Jesse fell asleep with Rachel in his arms.

* * *

Once the morning came upon them, Jesse woke up laying in the couch with his arms around a pillow and the smell of coffee flirting though his nose thrills. He instantly straighten up and tried to ignore the voice behind his head that kept telling him to look himself in a mirror to see what a not so good night sleep would do to him.

Jesse heard Rachel hum and turned his head to the kitchen where she was moving around the place, in the apparent search for something. She was cooking, he concluded. She was in her pajamas and a robe while he was still trapped in his clothes from the night before. Rachel looked happy though, really happy and Jesse went ahead with being self-centered and thought that was debt to him, because he felt the same way because of her.

He chuckled, suddenly remembering all of the things he had been thinking of before he fell safe and sound in his sleep. He thought it was ridiculous, but truly, everything he did with his heart was. He just had to go with it.

"Hi." He said, catching Rachel's attention. She looked over to where he was sitting and instantly smiled.

"Hi." She echoed. They were staring at each other now, like it was the first time they saw the other. "I thought you may want some coffee and food," she looked around her kitchen with a hand on her forehead, seeming ashamed, "but I think Kurt forgot to buy the groceries before he-"

"Doesn't matter, Rach." He interrupted, getting up from the couch and walking towards her. "We can go to the farmers market, yes?" Rachel smiled.

"Yes. But, one thing though: I can't cook and neither do you." She reminded him with a followed chuckle. She had been so caught up in finding where Kurt kept the food that she forgot she couldn't even boil water without making a complete mess.

"We can try and burn something."

* * *

"So, are you nervous?" She asked sweetly as they walked hand in hand through the street, making their way back from the market, each holding a bag of groceries with their free hand.

"About what?" Jesse replied.

"The winter showcase!" Rachel exclaimed as if it was an obvious thing.

"Oh, I see." He shrugged it off. "Are you?"

"Yes, very much, but you didn't answer my question."

"You're absolutely getting invited." He told her as they rounded one corner.

"Jesse, my question remains unanswered." She said, ignoring his previous comment as something to distract her from her initial doubt. His usual and effective tactic.

"Am I nervous about the winter showcase?" She nodded. "Not really, when you become a soulless automaton you stop feeling those kinds of things." He joked. "You know, machine problems."

"Jesse." Rachel stopped Jesse in his tracks, pushing his chest so he'd stop walking. "This is serious."

"It's just a competition, Rach." So he insisted on pushing it aside.

"And since when did it stop being important to you, Jesse St. James? You live and breathe competition." She pushed.

"Since there are more important things in my life." Jesse answered, exasperated. He looked at Rachel meaningfully. She was right, he had lived and breathed competition, he had seen what was behind that curtain and he hadn't liked it. Loneliness, regrets, hurt. He didn't want to go back in there. Jesse knew his drive and obsession over success were strong, stronger than himself sometimes, he would go through everything and everyone he ever cared about to achieve his dreams, but he didn't want to be that person anymore. He had caused too much damage. And then Rachel came along as this hope and light for him, he didn't want to let go of that for a simple competition. He wasn't that person anymore. "Since there is this person in my life who makes me want to be better." He confessed, reaching out for Rachel's hand again, making her heart jump. She smiled at him, like it was everything she could do. But she kissed him. Knowing exactly what she was doing. Knowing exactly what she was playing with. Knowing exactly that Jesse let himself be him with her and she could be herself with him.

"It's us, Jesse, you know a winter showcase won't change that and I want you to be the best and for you to be happy. I know singing makes you happy and makes everyone who ever heard you agape. Don't hide that, don't you ever dare doing that." Jesse smirked at her words, he liked it when she got all bossy. He sighed.

"I am nervous."

* * *

"So, you're spending the night with St. James at his luxury Manhattan apartment while I stay alone in the village? That's just mean." Kurt complained to Rachel, watching her slip a few things into her bag.

"I'm sorry, do you want to come with us?" Kurt frowned. "We're going to watch a movie." She offered.

"No! God knows what I'd have to hear through the night. And I'm sick of having to wear my earplugs." Rachel laughed out loud as an involuntary flush crept over her cheeks.

"Kurt, please!" She pleaded. "And besides, when do you have to wear your earplugs anyway?"

"Every time St. James comes over, one can't never be sure." He replied. "Can one, Rachel?" He said suggestively. As her best friend it was his duty to tease her at every chance he got.

"Kurt!" She insisted again. "You know very well that if something had happened you'd know by now."

"Oh, you can't be serious!" He threw to the air. "That's why! I found the reason!" Rachel frowned this time, utterly confused by Kurt's words.

"What are you talking about?" She said, trying to get him to explain.

"Well, you see, dear and innocent Rachel," that caused her to roll her eyes, "that you've been irritating me since I came back from Ohio and first I thought you were on your time of the month but it is due two weeks from today, and now I know the real reason..." He smirked.

"Which is?"

"You're not getting some." He finished. Rachel looked at Kurt for some more seconds before getting back to her bag and carrying it to the living room where she had been followed by Kurt.

"Well, you are wrong, that's not it."

"Then, Ms. Berry?"

"I-I don't know, but that's not it. I assure you." She tried again desperately.

"So, you are having sex?" He questioned, more than eager to make her flustered again. Rachel could be such a child sometimes.

"Oh, Kurt, can we please stop talking about this? I have to go." She tried to busy herself with something so she didn't have to keep having this amusingly uncomfortable conversation.

"Fine, but if I were you I would put my black underwear on tonight." He said, winking at her.

"What?"

"I'm not blind Rachel and I know you're not. Jesse has his fair share."

"His fair share?" She repeated, suddenly amused with Kurt's explaining words.

"Yes." He groaned irked. "Do I have to spell everything out for you? He's hot, Rachel. Your boyfriend's hot." It was Rachel's time to smirk.

"Well, I'll pass the message along to Jesse then." Kurt glared at her.

"You wouldn't."

"Oh, I would." She assured, smirking evilly to Kurt. Two can play the game.

"Really? Then I guess you'll really enjoy when everybody we know gets a text that so expressively says 'Rachel Berry is planning on doing the nasty with Jesse St. Jerk tonight.'"

"How about you add, 'her hot boyfriend' to it?" She grabbed her bag and walked out of her apartment grinning and holding back a laugh. Kurt could be such a child sometimes.

* * *

"Hey, Jesse!" He turned around at the sound of his name being called just before he made his way down the stairs. "Jesse!" He smiled when he saw her face.

"Hey, Erin." He greeted his friend. "How are you? I haven't seen you in a while." He said, scratching the back of his neck in concentration. He had been so focused in other things, rather someone else, he hadn't seen his friends.

"I'm okay, thanks, but you totally forgot about us. Alex keeps saying you got domesticated by that girl of yours." Jesse rolled his eyes as he let a small laugh escape his lips, even though he didn't like that joke, at all, and it actually made him grimace a little. "What was her name? Raquel?"

"Rachel." He corrected while a smile formed on his lips once again. He just couldn't help it sometimes.

"Oh, yes, that's it. Well, you should hang out with us some time, we're always missing you." Erin placed a hand on his arm and smiled sweetly, friend like, or not friend like, he couldn't quite tell. And what came next? Ah, yes, the infamous smirk. Jesse St. James was still Jesse St. James, take it or leave it.

"Sure, tell me when and I'll be there."

"See? I told them you hadn't been domesticated." Erin exclaimed, grinning.

And Jesse just laughed again. Maybe there was a little truth on those jokes and he didn't like that. He was Jesse St. James, for Christ sakes! He had a reputation and everybody knew it hadn't been built in one day. It had taken him years and invaluable time. Problem was that not twenty minutes ago, he couldn't have cared less about that, now…now he did. And he slowly began wondering if the love he was sure he felt was worth that much of a loss. If four letters she hadn't even heard were worth all the fun he could have and all the pain he would feel.

He had said it, and she had been asleep.

And maybe that was what would save him in the end.

* * *

 **So, did you like it? Be honest! I know it** ' **s confusing, Jesse mostly, but you will see why. ;) Thoughts on the chapter, ideas, constructive criticism totally accepted and appreciated. Thanks for reading! :D**


	13. Swan Song Part II

**Hello, it's me.**

 **Okay, you can through rotten stuff at me now, I had to do that someday. Here it is, another marvelous chapter, fit any other adjective there if you want :( Swan Song will be a three parted and I'm sorry if this one is a little confusing, but the inspiration came to me this way so just go with it xD**

 **As always, thank you for your reviews, they make my day a lot better :D and don't worry, next chapter will have something you hopefully like ;) anyways, enjoy!**

* * *

He couldn't pretend anymore; this was affecting him and not just slightly. This problem was becoming something that kept him up all night thinking and scheming, something that drew him away from Rachel and he didn't want that, but at the same time he was craving for it. Everything was just stupid. Jesse realized that maybe it was the common scene of 'I never had anything and now that I do I don't know what to do with it', but the difference was that he did know what to do with it, the simple problem here was if he wanted to or not.

He played the perfect boyfriend with Rachel every day, took care of her with the qualities he knew he didn't have. He could be devoted, just not that much. He could be selfless, but just not that much. He could toss aside his own needs and put hers first, but not like that. He wasn't kidding anybody really, even Rachel knew he wasn't the perfect boyfriend; and she wanted Jesse anyway. And that put him in a different situation, because he wanted her too, it was just that, he wasn't so sure how much he did. And Rachel didn't deserve that.

Because he had let her go and as he had said a million times, it wasn't easy; giving up on something you craved for a long time leaves you empty until you have something else to move on with. And then when he accomplished it, he was thrown in the same school with the same classes with her again, but the good news were that she still had Finn and Jesse could play the selfish bastard he had always been in that particular love story, but then Rachel Berry made sure of reminding him why it was that he had wanted her so much, why the simple thought of her didn't let him concentrate in UCLA. And why when he was so far from her it hurt more than being so close. She had been so full of light and when Jesse saw her again in New York she was lacking of that, he made sure she recovered it and shined the brightest of them all. Because it turned out that, at the end, he was in love with her. Jesse then asked himself if he had ever stopped. The answer to that question didn't matter anymore though, because he had her back and he fell again on that field of roses, forgetting, if for only a slight moment, how it had always been a battlefield there. And he began to fight with nothing and everything again unconsciously.

But, also, truth was he didn't have to overthink it so much. It was a Yes or No solution; something so simple can't be so hard to decide. Bad thing was, that Jesse always overthought things, no matter what, he always did, and when he finished, he decided if the choice was worth taking. He had been a teenager once, true, but never a stupid one.

He had changed; he had become a mature person now; he had been set in changing and making Rachel notice those changes, and now that she had, Jesse realized that his plan went as far as that. And time wasn't stopping for him either, so he needed to decide.

And he did. That he hadn't been stupid then, didn't mean he could't be stupid now.

* * *

"You need the perfect dress."

"I have dresses, I can manage with them just fine, but thank you, Kurt." Because, seriously, Rachel had gowns and money wasn't flying through her open window and it wouldn't anytime soon. She had been invited to the Winter Showcase at NYADA, Carmen Tibideaux had given her the invitation personally, and everyone in the room looked at her like she was literally shinning, and so suddenly people she had never talked to before, began to be friendly. This is how it should've felt to be a cheerleader in McKinley, Rachel thought, this is what being popular feels like. She didn't dislike it, at all. Rachel was known for loving a good spotlight, but she had also learnt that this kind of attention isn't always good.

"But none of them is perfect for the situation. This is a once in a lifetime event, you need a dress to go with it." Kurt insisted, he was so glad for her, so excited, that it was apparently contagious, for she started to feel nervous with his words; he was right, maybe this was a once in a lifetime experience. Maybe, she wouldn't have this again.

"Hmm, you should've just said so, I'll have my dads ship me my once in a lifetime gown from Ohio, didn't thought I'd need it so soon." She was teasing, some unknown department for Rachel. Everyone knew Rachel Berry didn't kid. For some, she was the most intense and serious person they have had the pleasure or, well, displeasure to meet. Kurt glared at her.

"Why do I get the feeling I'm more excited about this than you are?"

"Because you are." Kurt took a sit at their small and rectangle table, he looked confused, and how wouldn't he be?

"What is going on?" He voiced his question, this was odd.

"I don't have time to be excited, because ever since I got the invitation I've been so nervous I can't eat. I'm going to screw this up, Kurt." She suddenly felt the need to sit down too. It was true, she had been feeling so sick, and she felt awful because this had never happened to her. She was always ready for the show. But perhaps this wasn't just about it.

"Rachel, you can't possibly. You're the single most terrifying and driven person I have ever met." She chuckled. But something strangely close to melancholia sneaked up on her. She had been that person Kurt talked about, but, truth was that being that person had cost her friends and had also cost her being the teenager she always wanted to be. Now, she was about to turn nineteen and all she could remember about her past teenage years was practicing and rehearsing and mess. She was so done with that person.

Kurt stared at her while she was silent and thinking, he knew her all too well, but still, he still couldn't read her mind, all that was left was for her to decide and tell him what was going on in that troubled head of hers.

"All that I know, is that you're going to do great, you'll see. But, you won't if you don't have the perfect dress." A smile broke into Rachel's face.

"Fine. We'll go shopping, but if later on you complain about how we don't have anything to eat, I'll kill you." She warned, and Kurt grinned at having succeed on his task.

"Oh, perfect, we're starting a new diet then." Rachel rolled her eyes. She loved going shopping with Kurt, obviously, when she had enough sugar in her system to keep up with him, but she wasn't quite sure if she'd be able to deal with him a month long with an empty stomach. "I'm thinking pink, pink is definitely your color." Rachel snorted at his suggestion. She liked pink good enough, but that was part of the old Rachel too.

"How about black?"

"What? Are we going to your funeral now? We want you to shine, Rachel." He made an exaggerated gesture with his hands at which Rachel just smiled.

"I can do that in black too." She pushed.

"Come on, Berry, I need you to cooperate with me, I can't do this on my own, dressing you was always the big leagues." She glared at him, as she massaged her temple, not because it actually hurt, but when Kurt got all proactive she had the need to do so.

"If it is too much work, I can wear a dress I already own." Kurt stared at her for a moment as if studying her and then shook his head in disappointment.

"Dear lord, you have so much to learn and I have so much to teach." He stood up from his sit and grabbed her hand, pulling her along with him towards the door.

"Wait, who made you the teacher?" She protested, as she let herself be pushed downstairs and then outside the building. The sun was still there, shining in the middle of the sky, Rachel looked at her phone for the hour. 12:44 p.m. There was a shopping trip ahead of her and an urgent need for caffeine, one that wouldn't damage her vocal cords of course. Changes like those do tend to change you, that they do. But Rachel Berry is still Rachel Berry.

* * *

She passed along these streets everyday to get to NYADA, she enjoyed Manhattan everyday with a happiness of this being her permanent life, her only life. This excited her every day. The crowd was never disturbing except if she was on a rush or the heat was just too much in the city. But, today was different, thanking God for the winter and the cold that made the lack of space a little more worth taking. And still, Kurt managed to make her feel claustrophobic, with that high pitch little voice of his.

"I liked the red one, did you like the red one too, Rachel?" They were exiting a store, she had no idea which, she had stopped looking at the names after the third one. She grimaced.

"I don't know, it seemed a little too...what's the word? Santana."

"Oh, give me a break, not because she can be the devil sometimes means she's the only one allowed to wear red."

"Maybe she's the only one who looks good in red." Kurt seemed to consider it.

"We've been through five stores and you haven't liked anything, maybe it's time to pull out the little black dress?" His uplifting persona was erasing away, Rachel could tell, she felt bad because, maybe, she had been the one to do so. But the sickness in her stomach was still holding up on debts.

"I don't think I even have one." She said, after going through her wardrobe mentally.

"Then, what have you been buying the past three years of your life? Oh, that's right, I forgot, reindeer sweaters, my bad." Rachel narrowed her eyes, but he was right, that was pretty much all that she had owned before getting to New York.

"Shut. They were cute. They were trendy once, remember?" She tried to defend.

"It was almost three years ago in Lima, Ohio and I don't know how many times you have to hear this, but they were carrousel horses." Rachel sighed frantically, a little irritated, but not because of Kurt, because of several other reasons she had or hadn't acknowledged yet.

"Again with that? They were exactly the same! Horses and reindeers, what's the freaking difference?!" Her tone had raised, she'd realized that after two or three passerbys looked at her funnily. She sighed again, this time with weariness.

"This isn't really about the reindeers, is it?" Kurt looked at her sympathetically.

"It's not even about the dress." She admitted. He half smiled at her and then nodded in comprehension. He put his arm inside hers and pulled her along with him again.

"Maybe we should take a break." Rachel flinched slightly, but Kurt didn't seem to notice this as he kept walking normally. "Let's go eat something, my treat, you still need to buy yourself a gown." Rachel nodded, agreeing.

* * *

After grabbing a bite at a new restaurant they discovered walking by, the painful and awfully long shopping trip continued. While eating, Kurt had told Rachel all about the latest gossip at work; he said he was like Isabel's second in command at ; Isabel had told him that he was going big in this one, that he had the fresh and young perspective that would lead him to great places in fashion. He also told her about the dream he had, in which he was like Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada, and he was too, as in the movie, really mean to his assistant. After a long and surprisingly richly argumentative conversation of all the papers Anne Hathaway had done, they paid the bill and walked again in the Manhattan streets. The two, or more like just Kurt, decided to go into a big three floor store, he said she would have more choices and fortunately more space to walk, so she went inside gladly.

"How about purple?" Kurt asked nonchalantly as he used his phone.

"Have you ever seen me wear purple?" He looked up at her, doing a memory drill, he seemed to have an epiphany.

"You're right, I have never seen you in a purple garment, of any kind. Maybe purple can be your new color!" He added with a gigantic grin. Kurt put his phone inside his pocket again and went in search for something exclusively purple, Rachel smirked, amused at how he could act like a little kid sometimes and shook her head; there was a reason why she didn't use purple. Wrong for her skin tone.

She looked around the dresses for a while longer; some were too shiny, others were too boring, everything was wrong. And she found herself wanting to find a dress, Kurt had rubbed off on her after all. She didn't want to wear any of the dresses she had at home.

"Found it!" Kurt came walking to her with a purple, long sleeved nightgown, the color was way too bright, she didn't like it, and it even hurt to look at it.

"No way." She stated. "I'm not wearing that to a once in a lifetime event."

"But you'll look so pretty in it." Kurt insisted with a pout, still, Rachel wouldn't give in. "At least try it on. Maybe it'll prove you wrong and you'll look amazing in it." Rachel remained silent. "If you don't like it we can move along, it's not like you're compromising to it." Rachel sighed and snatched the dress away from Kurt's hand, walking towards the dressing rooms as he followed right behind her.

Her gray sweater was off, her skinny jeans too, the boots stayed and she put the hideous dress on, it wasn't hard to fit, because it fit her right, at least the size was correct. She looked at herself in the mirror. She looked fully awoken and lighted, which did not match how she felt; even after eating, she still felt tired and dizzy. Her hair was pulled up in a high ponytail, she put back in place the bangs that had gone off place. The mirror was telling her something; you look great, but she did not feel great. And as it was, she turned out to be right, she absolutely hated the dress and how she looked in it, but anyways, she went out of the dressing rooms to prove herself right to Kurt. Only when she did, Kurt wasn't the only one there.

"Jesse." She frowned, all the weariness gone of her face, now something else was building up inside of her. "What are you doing here?" He looked compromised to answer, like, he didn't want to.

"I called him, I figured I'd call up the big guns; someone you listen to?" Answered Kurt instead, and Jesse looked grateful for a moment. Then, Rachel looked into the blue haunting eyes, there was something else in there, something she hadn't seen last time she saw him, but couldn't recognize. Instead of trying to, she looked away from him and directed her eyes anywhere but at the tall figure a few feet away from her. "Oh, God, no, take that abomination off." Rachel snatched herself back, that's right, they were looking for a dress.

"I told you so, but you still wouldn't listen." Rachel retorted, her heart began to raise its beat, she could feel him staring at her, but she wouldn't give any signs she did.

"Take that off, while I go find something slightly less horrible and...gold?" Rachel nodded at him as she watched Kurt walk away.

"And no long sleeves!" She called after him. Suddenly, she realized, she had been left alone with Jesse. She had every intention to go hide inside the dressing rooms, but he spoke before she could do as much as move.

"Congratulations." He started. "Kurt told me you were invited to the Showcase." She pursed her lips together and willed herself to look at him, after she did, Rachel nodded and forced a smile.

"Yeah, thanks, congratulations to you too. You were all Casey could talk about, she's proud." Jesse chuckled slightly.

"She says I should do a dance number at the Case but, I don't know." He looked at her pointedly, he wanted her opinion on it.

"I...I don't know, maybe you could repeat Bohemian Rhapsody of 2010?" She tried to smile again, but she could tell she wasn't being convincing, and yet, she could have cared less. Jesse tried to form a halfhearted smile too, but it seemed as if he was reminded of something that kept him from.

"I think I may need Vocal Adrenaline for that, and I'm done with them."

"Sick of all the Redbulls?" She tried to joke and he chuckled slightly.

"Sick of the IVs." He replied, equally intending to lift up some of the tension or the awkwardness, whatever they were experiencing, they couldn't quite tell.

But then, as if on cue and a holly savior, Kurt appeared, with a golden dress, it was pretty enough, but still, it wasn't dazzling on the eye, not quite what they spent all afternoon looking for.

"I fought a lady for this one, so you better like it." Kurt handed the dress to Rachel, not at all surprised she had stayed and talked to Jesse instead of going into the dressing rooms, but he was oblivious as if to the why. "Or, at least try to." Rachel looked at Jesse and smiled at him shyly before going back inside the dressing rooms, this time, Kurt couldn't help but notice the coldness in what usually irradiated heat. He frowned, what happened? Then, like a stroke of light, all the pieces began to be put together in the giant puzzle. He had texted Jesse since back at the restaurant and then called him as he went looking for the purple dress; he had sounded hesitant on whether to come and help Kurt or not. Then, there was Rachel's attitude since...well, he didn't quite remember when she started to act all apathetic and then he also recalled that Rachel began to be at home almost every day at all times. The question was inevitable.

"Did you broke up?" Jesse turned to see him, he frowned in confusion and shook his head.

"She didn't tell you?" He sounded surprised.

"Tell me what?" Kurt pushed slightly further. Jesse stood in silence again; he had been real shocked when Kurt called claiming Rachel would only listen to him, then, when he got here, he realized Rachel didn't know anything about the shout out for help and she wasn't the one who wanted to see him either, but she couldn't be blamed of that.

"I, uh, have to go, please tell Rachel to call me later." He retrieved himself away from Kurt graciously, ignoring the latest question and walked to the door.

"Hey! St. James, get back here! She didn't tell me what?!" Kurt rushed after Jesse, but once he was out the door, he saw Jesse cross the street and figured that even if he followed him to his apartment, Jesse wouldn't tell him anything. He had to ask Rachel. But why wouldn't she have told him before? And then again, tell him what exactly?

Kurt went back inside the store, fully prepared to walk in on Rachel in the dressing rooms and demand for some answers, but she was standing right there, looking at the door with a pained expression and dressed back into her clothes. Kurt sighed, she would tell him when she was ready.

"Didn't like the dress?" He asked.

"Made me feel puffy." She explained, her eyes still set on the door, as if she was expecting for someone to walk in again. "I think I might be using that little black dress after all." Her voice was a little sore, as if she had been crying, but her face was fine and her eyes weren't red, no sign of recent crying, but that didn't mean it hadn't been any.

"I thought you didn't own one." He said, but still he put his arm around her in a comforting way and walked with her to the exit.

"Anything will do." She said as they walked back to the subway station. "As long as it's not purple." He chucked and smiled at her.

Oh, if he had had any idea of what was going on inside her head, he wouldn't have even began with the dress.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading and sticking up with me and the more likely than not late updates, feel free to review any kind of constructive criticism or thoughts on this, it'll be truly appreciated :))**


	14. Swan Song Part III

**Back at it again. I swear I don't do this on purpose, I tried to update earlier but school and everything doesn't want me to concentrate on writing this for you guys. Hopefully, now that I'm officially out of the hook of the ungodly finals, I'll be able to update sooner and maybe revise the whole fic :D it is not done yet though.**

 **Thank you for the reviews and the follows and the favs, you don't know how much it means to me. Love you. Enjoy!**

* * *

They were back at their apartment now, Kurt was heating up the left of take out from the day before and Rachel was sitting on her bed, staring at the curtain that separated her room from the rest of the apartment; it was a somewhat wine color, she liked it, but as always, Kurt had been the one to choose it, like most of the apartment had. Everything that decorated the walls and the furniture was something she was bound to like, but it didn't exactly scream Rachel Berry. Of course, that she couldn't turn their apartment into some kind of shrine for those Broadway legends she looked up to, although, she knew that if she wanted to do that, there wouldn't be much of a complaint from Kurt either.

She could tell and understand that Kurt was developing the usual and urgent need to know what had happened; like the hot gossip of the week he necessarily had to know to live or die for, and she would've told him since it happened, if it wasn't for that she had the same exact need he did. She had positively no idea what had occurred between Jesse and herself. One day they were as best as they could be, and the other he was growing apart and then, it happened. As simple as a three step plan to lose weight, and not as hard to do as the twelve step plan to push an addiction out of you. Rachel wondered briefly what that meant, was she something he was able to get rid of so easily? She couldn't be. Whose fault had it been? Another thing she couldn't even answer to herself. Now, maybe she had a vague idea of the situation, and maybe she didn't want to admit into it, because then she'd have to fix it, like she always did and she didn't know why.

She looked around her bed; the white sheets, everything around her looked so organized and tidy, she almost felt the need to make it all messy like she was feeling just to have a potential portrait of her inside thoughts. She remembered just then, how it had felt to have his eyes buried in her, how it had made her palms sweaty and her face heat, that, in spite of everything else; she had chosen to ignore the facts in the afternoon and enjoy whatever he was making her feel with just a glance. She was surprised Jesse had even wanted to come to a place he had known she would be at, because everything was still just so fresh. And she was surprised at what she felt when she saw him, she didn't feel the painful pounding in her head this once as she had when she saw him at NYADA, her heart had fluttered in something as terrible as hope.

What was she thinking now? She had hope on this? Rachel had to be utterly and completely out of her mind. He had been pretty set on his decision and she couldn't have done anything to change that. And, try as she wanted, she wasn't going to plead. This was supposed to be different, she thought, and anyway she ended up in the same place as a few years ago, confused and with a sore heart.

* * *

 _It all happened about two weeks ago, almost after Thanksgiving, he came to her apartment for a date they had planned out, but instead of taking her out as anticipated, he apologized and said he had something urgent to attend to, Rachel was worried all night long, because Jesse didn't usually act like this and if he had, then it must have been something important that pulled him out of their date. That trustful thought was banished when at a little later than 3:00 a.m., Rachel's phone rang and she answered sleepy headed to a drunken ass Jesse._

 _"I, uh." Giggles. "I'm not sure what to do, Rach." He said straight away after Rachel answered, she took a few moments to register Jesse's state._

 _"Jesse? What do you mean?"_

 _"What to do about you." Pause. "You always seem to have the answers to...everything, always know who to choose and who to spare, I could use some of that wise advice right about now." She sat upright on her bed and turned her bedside lamp on, rubbing off her eyes some of her sleepiness, she yawned. Rachel could've sworn she heard spite in that statement, which she didn't like._

 _"Jesse, where are you?" She questioned, concerned, and choosing to just not acknowledge his remark in order to seem ignorant to all of the raising questions._

 _"Oh, you know, with some friends...at a bar." The background made itself clear to her right then and the sounds from outside their conversation seemed to get louder, after Jesse hushed a few laughter and then chuckled himself, he continued. "Hey! Remember when you danced that weird funk number in front of Vocal Adrenaline?" There was a tiny silence but he didn't wait for an answer, he knew she did, he had thrown eggs at her days before, not something you let go of so easily. "You looked so hot in those shorts, I swear I didn't even listened to the whole number, all I was looking for was you." Rachel smiled a little and then chuckled slightly while shaking her head. Asshole._

 _"Are you okay?"_

 _"Well, judging for the...one, two, three, four drinks I had, well, I'd say I'm pretty swell." Rachel chuckled at his words, she had never heard Jesse use the word 'swell'._

 _"Jess, do you need me to call a cab for you? Pick you up even? I mean, it's pretty late and you're, well, you're drunk."_

 _"No, no, I'm fine. You wouldn't even be let into the bar, you're eighteen." Then, he burst out laughing at what he had just said. "Did you hear that? I'm dating a teenager. Why would I even agree to date a sophomore in the first place? I was a senior for Christ's sakes! Seniors don't date sophomores." He said, as reprimanding himself for once. Rachel listened and didn't know how to react, for one, what he was saying was fairly amusing, and, he was making her feel small again, like she was insignificant._

 _"You don't have to if you don't want to." There was more silence at that. Even Rachel surprised herself with her own words, she hadn't wanted to snap. And Jesse gulped._

 _"No, no, Rach, I didn't mean that!" He sounded actually terrified. "I love you." He didn't say anything else, and she decided to second him on that action; all Rachel could hear on the background of her thinking was his agitated breathing through the phone now._

 _"Jesse..."_

 _"And I couldn't care less about you being eighteen, really, you will be nineteen in a few days. And, well, now you know why I don't know what to do."_

 _All Rachel remembered after was freaking out, and not because what he had said, but because of how he had said it. That he had to be drunk and almost hyperventilating to be able to tell her. She couldn't hold it to him for not gathering the courage, as weird as it sounded though, because he was Jesse St. James, confident as can be. But still, it stung her, because this was different and as it was, he might as well have said it in the past tense. Again._

* * *

She shook her head immediately after she found herself thinking of that night, as if somehow with the toughest movement of her head, all of the memories would fly away with the air. And after taking a deep breath she walked outside her room, pushing the curtain, and hesitating to whether or not go to the kitchen with Kurt, but it was too late to even think about it, she was there already.

"You look worn off." Pointed out Kurt after he gave her a once over. "And we weren't at that many stores today."

"Yes, well, I haven't slept very well." Kurt was serving the heated up food on one plate. He hummed in acknowledge of her explanation.

"Want some?" He asked, referring to the food now on top of the table.

"No, I haven't been very hungry either." Kurt sat down at the table and Rachel did the same. After Kurt raised one brow at her, he began to eat.

"This is what a cry for help looks like to me. Excuse me if I'm prying, but I'm concerned, Rach."

"It is not a cry for help, it's just that school's been exhausting me a lot lately." She justified again, but uselessly, she knew very well that Kurt wouldn't believe her anyway; he knew there was something to tell.

"You're not going to tell me, are you?" Rachel looked away slightly, but there was nothing to see, just the apartment she knew from heart and head. She wanted to tell Kurt what was going on, and what had happened, but something was holding her from and she couldn't tell what it was. Shame? Hurt? Fear? Maybe if she told him, it would all become true; one truth she didn't know if she could bare.

"Not yet." Kurt nodded and kept eating.

"It's fine if you don't want to. I just want you to be fine." He sighed heavily, as if giving up. Rachel smiled half-heartedly at him.

* * *

 _"So, you called in the middle of the night, with very interesting anecdotes, if I recall well."_

 _It was the first time she saw him since the call, it was Monday morning and they were getting ready for yet another squeezing week at NYADA. She hadn't wanted to bring it up, at all, in hopes that maybe he didn't remember that call and everything could go on with its usual course. But to her bad luck, she had felt the punishing need to confront him about it._

 _"Huh?" He turned to see her, with a confused frown, no doubt of that. But he leaned in to give her a kiss hello._

 _"You don't remember? You called me to see if I could give you some advice." He looked confused for another tiny moment and then Rachel saw how realization dawned upon him. He looked embarrassed all of a sudden._

 _"Shit." He muttered to himself. "I'm so sorry, Rach, I knew I had to leave my cell phone off, I didn't mean any of it, I promise." Now Rachel frowned. Apparently, she thought, he wasn't fully aware of what he had said, so she tried to tranquilize herself._

 _"Any of it?" She echoed._

 _"None of it." He assured with an insecure tone, nodding his head._

 _"Do you even remember, Jesse?" There was a silence and he looked away, Rachel noticed that he looked everywhere but at her._

 _"Rach, I'm sorry I didn't tell you where I was going and that I cancelled our date like that; it's just that my friends invited me out and I had said no so many times that I couldn't bring myself to do it again." He kept rambling about all the reasons why he lied to her, but all Rachel was thinking was how she hadn't even remembered she had to be mad at him for that. The rest of the weekend since he had called, she had been so focused on just what he had said and how, but she didn't care to recall why it was that he had said that to her and where and when. Everything was just wrong. And after watching his mouth move aimlessly for about a little more than a minute she couldn't take it anymore._

 _"I'm not mad about that, Jesse."_

 _"You're not?" He asked, a little startled. But then, he frowned._

 _"No, and I'm actually not mad at all." She confessed. Jesse's face seemed to relax automatically after her words. "I'm hurt though."_

 _"Wha-why? Is it because of something I said?" He questioned, this time with concern in his voice, which just made Rachel look at all the irony._

 _"Why would I even tell you if you don't even remember?" She snapped; although she wasn't going to voice his actions, it would just made her look pathetic. And then she thought, that maybe he hadn't even meant it as he said before, that he could've told that to a bottle of rom as well, it made no sense to try and find meaning. Rachel sighed. "Call me if your memory comes back." She began to walk away, but Jesse caught her arm at last._

 _"Rach, no, don't walk away like this. Tell me, please." He looked at her in the eyes profusely. "I-Did I say something to offend you? Because if I did, let me tell you I'm an asshole, but you already know that too." Rachel shook her head after she half smiled at him._

 _"No, it wasn't something you did on purpose. I, just, can't tell if you were serious about your words, Jesse, I want to believe you were, but, still it wouldn't be fine. I wouldn't feel fine either way, so it's better if we just let this be like it is right now." He frowned again, but this time softly and then he sighed shakily._

 _"Did I, by any chance, pour my heart out by the phone?"_

 _"You didn't even got that far."_

 _"Thank god, you wouldn't want to meet my heart; is a dark, red bull induced place, not everyone can handle it." Rachel didn't hold back the smile. "But only someone- that, I don't know, her last name may be Berry, her middle name may or may not be Barbra -has a hold to it."_

 _"What are you saying?"_

 _"Me? I'm not saying anything." He said innocently as Rachel gave him a suspicious glance._

 _"Jesse." She warned._

 _"We'll just have to wait 'til my memory comes back I guess."_

 _He didn't let her go away after, they walked together until they had to go their separate ways. Rachel began to think that maybe, yes, everything was wrong, but that didn't mean it couldn't be fixed. She still couldn't tell what he had meant or if he had meant any of it, because he hadn't actually repeated those three words, but still, something inside her was sweet and it felt good to think about it; it would feel good to say those three words back, even if it had to wait a little longer._

* * *

"Rachel! I've got news!" Kurt yelled to the air as he entered the apartment with no intent of closing the door after him. He looked around the living room and the kitchen to find no one there; he tossed his coat and his bag in the couch and ran to Rachel's room, there wasn't anyone there either, or in his room; he frowned and ran towards the bathroom door, knocking on it intensely. "Rachel, open the damn door!"

"What do you want, Kurt? I'm changing." He snorted.

"Oh, come on, I thought we were past that." He heard no reply and rolled his eyes. "Come out! I have to tell you something."

"Wait, I, let me change back into my clothes."

"Hmm, change back from what exactly?" He inquired.

"I found my 'little black dress' this afternoon. Except it isn't little or black or really wearable to many other occasions." Rachel announced wearily through the door and then there was a high squeal from Kurt.

"What?! And you bought it without me? Traitor!" Rachel chuckled and was glad that she had the door between them, or else she had to control her facial expressions to a point where she would look ashamed of such betrayal.

"We're back here again? I told you, Kurt, I'm perfectly capable of buying clothes for myself." She defended herself once again, she was truly tired of having this same conversation with him over just a dress.

"But the right ones? Oh god, I don't know what to expect anymore, just tell me you don't have to wear knee high socks with it and we'll be fine."

"And that's why you don't get to see me in my new dress." Kurt remained silent at that and considered his options.

"But, who'll tell you if it looks good on you? You need me more than I need you." He tried.

"I don't think so."

"Rachel, please, I need to see it." He pleaded against the door.

"Uh, fine." She muttered with annoyance and walked to open the bathroom door, only the higher force knew what Kurt would have to say about it; Rachel thought that probably he would have her return the dress and if he had to, make one for her himself.

"You know, I like it." Rachel blinked twice rapidly, not believing her ears.

"You do? And you have nothing else to say about it?"

"Well, no, I think it's pretty enough, stunning enough, it is enough and if you like it..." Rachel looked at him oddly and then looked at herself down, it was a long gray nightgown, with a flat fall and a strapless torso, it didn't have an open back or anything too risky, the upper part of it was sawed with little white pattern that Rachel liked, it braced her correctly and her hair let loose looked amazing with it. She had liked it when she saw it through a store window and she had wondered if it fitted her, it did, and she didn't hesitate much to take it home. Plus, it had been on sale.

"But, you like it too, don't you?" Kurt smirked.

"Now, who needs who?" Rachel glared. "Okay, okay, I'll back off; yes, I like it, you made your right choice on a once in a lifetime event 'what to wear', but, however, if I had been with you I would've chosen something much more sparkly, for when the lights hit you, you'll be truly incandescent." Rachel laughed.

"Then nobody would be able to look at me."

"Even better, they'll focus on just your talented voice, what any good singer wants."

"Then, why even bother with a dress?" She replied. Kurt tilted his head to both sides.

"Point taken." He gave in as he walked to the couch where he had left his things and let Rachel to exit the bathroom. "Aren't you going to change?"

"I was doing to when you came in yelling, now I'm in no mood to change from my pretty enough dress." She walked to the living room and sat down next to Kurt on the couch. "Right, you have good news?" Kurt's eyes lighted up with excitement and he nodded his head yes, his smile got bigger.

"I got a date." He stated. Rachel's eyes widened with surprise.

"Really? When? With whom?" Now, she shared her best friend's excitement. Kurt flushed slightly and bit his inner lip.

"Yes. This guy I work with that is always asking me how my day is and brings good coffee in everyday, he even memorized what coffee I like and how I like it, he's really nice."

"Oh, he must be truly determined if he memorized your two pages long coffee order." Kurt rolled his eyes at Rachel.

"It is not that complicated. But, anyway, today he asked me out just as I was leaving the office for lunch."

"Why didn't he just buy you lunch?"

"Right, I suggested so myself, but he said he wanted to buy me dinner, that he wanted to do this the right way, and that he really liked me; so I said yes." He bounced once on the couch out of excitement and he squealed again, but this once it was truly out of joy; Rachel couldn't help but join the girly celebration. She was so glad, so glad that Kurt was happy and that he was moving on from Blaine; that he was moving on from the hurt that all of that had caused.

"That's so great! I'm so happy for you, Kurt. When are you going out?" He twitched his mouth into a grimace.

"Saturday night."

"Really? This Saturday night? The showcase night?" He nodded and offered an apologetic look, but if Rachel had looked at it otherwise he would have looked as if he was asking for permission.

"Yes, but I can cancel, maybe we can go out for a Sunday brunch...serves the purpose, more casual." He offered, but Rachel could tell he was just giving in. She shook her head.

"No, no, you should go, he sounds like a good guy, we need more of those around here." Kurt smiled genuinely at her with a grateful glint, but couldn't hold that up too long when he managed to think into her words; he was all over again reminded of what Jesse said, of what Rachel wasn't telling him, but he wasn't going to push any further.

"Okay, but I promise as soon as the date is over I'll go and watch you perform."

"No, I'll be fine, you'll cut the date short if you do that." Rachel insisted, not very sure why.

"But I really want to see you sing, you've put so much effort in that song, and I think I deserve the reward after hearing you do high pitch warm-ups all the mornings." He pointed. "You do want me to come, don't you?"

"Yes! But I want you to have a good time too."

"I'll tell you what; maybe after dinner I can bring him by and show off what a talented best friend I have." He said, smiling.

"Stop it, you're making me blush." She teased. "But, I think I'd like that, seems like a good idea."

"Then, it's set, you'll meet Matt on Saturday night. He'll be the one forced to clap at every performance, you'll spot him easily."

"Then, I guess I'll wave at him when I see him."

"Please do."

* * *

 _She was rushing pass the halls and down to the lobby, because if she had any hope of getting as far away from there as possible and, also, in a record time, she had to run. Bad thing she had decided to wear her high-heeled boots that day. And...Why was she running, again?_

 _Ah, that's right. Gossip._

 _She hadn't been the proud victim of it in a very long time, so that she almost felt nostalgic at the pressing feeling on her chest, almost being the key word here._

 _Everything had been like a complete and utter normal Thursday at NYADA until a certain friend of Jesse's stopped to say hello and delivered a so much not needed information, and that she did with a smirk the entire time they exchanged words._

 _"Hello, Rachel. I don't think we've been properly introduced." Erin had stopped Rachel on her tracks and had stood in front of her like a giant wall that wouldn't let the brunette move. "I'm Erin."_

 _"Oh, okay, hello." She made an attempt to move and walk away but the blonde haired girl remained steady in a challenging way._

 _"I'm a friend of Jesse's." She said in an explanatory way. Rachel frowned and tried to relax, but she had started to feel trapped all of a sudden and her lips pursed in consideration. "I do wanted to apologize, though."_

 _"Apologize to me?" The other girl nodded. "What for?"_

 _"Well, the other night we did seem to wake you up." Erin waited for a facial response, but Rachel's face turned plain, so she went on. "You sounded sleepy, tired. I can't say I understand, because Jesse told us you tend to be very intense when it comes to school. I just thought 'perfect match' since he is the same."_

 _"It was three in the morning, I was obviously tired." Rachel even surprised herself with this, because if she was looking at Erin and hearing her the way new Rachel would, Erin would've sounded friendly and if only a little odd, but the old Rachel and gladly, the part that will never go away, had a too long of a history with girls like her, you just had to wait for the unexpected punch in the conversation, and she wasn't willing to be patient for it._

 _Erin's self-confident smirk seem to falter if just for the tiniest second, but Rachel was lucky enough to catch it before the blonde's face was again in an obnoxious state of apparent amusement._

 _"Precisely, that's why I wanted to apologize, since I was the one to insist on Jesse calling you, he didn't want to, I can tell you as much, but it wouldn't have been correct if he hadn't. Don't you agree?" Rachel didn't reply, her face stayed in a confused state for what like would seem hours to her. "But I do have to confess it came as a shock to me that you and Jesse had that kind of agreement. You just seem to be way more conservative." Rachel raised an eyebrow at her and finally she responded._

 _"What are you talking about?" Erin smirked once again, but she quickly replaced it with an embarrassed and obviously faked expression. This one was obviously not majoring in acting._

 _"The agreement you have with Jesse, you know, that you're allowed to 'see' other people." Rachel tried to remain as expressionless as possible, but at the mention of that, she couldn't do that anymore, and her face turned angry and defensive. "I admire girls that have such believe in liberalism. It's so kind of you to share, Rachel."_

 _"Did he tell you that?" That was the first thing she dared to ask._

 _"Well, yes, who else? But, the other night...it didn't feel quite right without direct permission, Jesse agreed with me on that."_

 _"Shut up."_

 _"He kept asking for advice, but what he really meant-"_

 _"I get it, you want to tell me you had sex with my boyfriend." Silence. "Message received. Now, get out of my way." Her lip quivered, and all she wanted to do was get away from that place, and from that girl._

 _"So, there is truly an agreement?" Erin questioned shamelessly as she stepped aside and watched Rachel walk hesitantly ahead._

 _"There is absolutely nothing anymore."_

 _And she ran._

 _It hurt to think of how many times she had to tell herself not to cry, that he didn't deserve her tears after all he had made her go through. But when she got home, she hadn't been able to hold it in anymore. Kurt had been still at work, so he didn't see her melt down. After anger and fury and everything following of that were gone, reason kicked into her. She had been too impulsive and eager to believe the other girl and she had forgotten how many times good lies had been able to destroy her life. She needed to see Jesse and ask. Go straightforward._

 _When she had gotten to his apartment, she hesitated a lot on whether or not to knock the door. At the end deciding she had already come all the way there and that she had a purpose and needed to accomplish it._

 _"Rach." She contemplated his smile, it looked genuine, as if she had ever seen something like that to recognize, but the word just popped out in her mind. He was leaning in for a kiss and she wanted to push him away and begin to talk, but something that seemed to be of too many words stopped her, and she let herself be kissed._

 _"We, uh, I need to talk to you about something." She said flatly, looking at his eyes; those hypnotizing, and completely distracting blue pools. And watched as he frowned slightly and stepped aside to let her in._

 _"What's wrong?"_

 _"You said we would have to wait until your memory came back, and well, has it?" He clenched his teeth together and ran a hand through his hair. He was nervous then._

 _"Rach..."_

 _"No, that doesn't matter right now. I just want to know something."_

 _"What is it?" He closed the door behind her and turned to once again give her his full attention._

 _"Someone is in the illusion that we have a sort of...agreement within our relationship and that you called me at three am last weekend to ask for some," she gulped, "permission."_

 _"What? Who told you that?" He was confused too, good, she thought._

 _"Doesn't really matter who told me; I just want to know if you said you could be with other girls with my permission, Jesse."_

 _"No! I-I would never say that. Rachel, I didn't cheat on you." He stepped closer and Rachel moved her shoulders back, not finding enough will inside of her to actually step away. "I just made a drunken spectacle out of myself, but, I would never."_

 _"I want to believe you, so much."_

 _"Then believe me! I didn't screw this up, I promise."_

 _"Jesse, you can't even remember what you said to me! And I don't think you remember what you did after you called me." Rachel said. "Even though I want to believe you, I can't. And..."_

 _Silence. Jesse opened and closed his mouth; began to say something and then just as easily he would retract whatever it was that he wasn't telling her. She began to move toward the door and that seemed to do it._

 _"I do remember." He said seriously. "I told you that I love you, I'd never forget something like that, because it's you and whatever has to do with you, I'm bound to remember even if I don't want to." He confessed._

 _"And you don't want to?"_

 _"It's not about that." He paused. "But I never did anything with another girl, I want you, I've told you." She closed her eyes and not a second later she felt his lips on her forehead and Rachel let herself sigh, with something more than relief. She opened her eyes._

 _"I'm sorry, I just let myself go all crazy about this."_

 _"It's fine, Rach, I understand." He sighed wearily and pursed his lips at her. "But...you don't trust me, Rachel, not completely anyway, do you?" He let go of her softly and not once her eyes left hers, but she was avoiding him. "I think it's pretty transparent now." Rachel looked away and bit her lip softly, she was struggling so hard on what to say to him. His voice was even hard to hear._

 _"I trust you, Jesse, but I've tried to let go of our rocky past and it's just still there every time I try to move past it." She crossed her arms over her chest and pulled them closer as if protecting herself. "And today when that friend of yours attacked me with all this implications, I just...I think I wanted to believe her because I thought it would be easier to believe her instead of you." He nodded and held in a deep breath before sighing._

 _"See, I understand that, way more than you think, Rach. But, the thing is that...I don't think we're ready for this." She frowned at his calmed words._

 _"Ready for what?" He sighed again and this time more shallowly. Rachel could see his Adam's apple bob up and down; that made a knot tense her every vocal cord._

 _"For a relationship. Ours in particular." Her frown deepened and she felt like her heart thumping under her chest could be heard in the whole room. "I waited so long for this, a really long time, and now that I have it; I don't know how to care of it, of you. And I don't want to screw it-"_

 _"Stop. What are you talking about?" Her voice sounded paranoid, she could hear herself very well, but the problem was that her mind was freaking out too._

 _"I'm saying I'm not ready for this, and I don't think you are either. I'm saying we're not ready to trust each other." She couldn't think of any words and he was observational enough to catch this. "I mean, really, we were together for a few months back in high school and you once told me you didn't even know how many of it was actually true-"_

 _"Because I don't! You used me! That's my problem, I can't let that go." Her voice cracked at the end of the sentence, but just then did she realize that Jesse might have a point, that she wasn't ready for...making a fresh start with him._

 _"I didn't use you, Rachel, I was just trying to help Shelby out, and I thought you knew that. But, look, you're still hurt about what happened three years ago in Ohio, it's only fair that I feel hurt about what happened two years ago in New York too, right?" Rachel winced and then placed a hand on her chest._

 _"We've hurt each other a lot." She muttered._

 _"Yes." He agreed. "I love you but with this so present, they cancel each other out, really, and I cannot have that."_

 _"Are you serious?" She questioned, one of her hands running past her hair desperately in an anxious antic. Maybe something she had learned to mirror from him. "I mean, I know the past can be a lot and we can't hide it behind our backs just so that we don't have to see it, but I don't want to hide it anymore. We are who we are because of the mistakes we made and we get to be together because of that too."_

 _"You don't really believe that, do you?" He smirked sadly._

 _"Yes, I do. Look, Jesse, we can't just expect that maybe in a couple of months what's bothering you will be less of a problem than it is now." She insisted._

 _"No, I know that. But, maybe in a couple of months I'll be able to stop hiding the mistakes behind my back. Now, I'm just not ready for that, for us." He said softly; his face had shifted in and odd way; all worn and sad now._

 _"Okay, and when will that be?"_

 _"I don't know, but it's not about setting a date for when it's going to be, and I don't want you to wait on me. If the problem it's just that I'm not ready, it's not fair to you."_

 _"Then, what? We break up?" She had begun to grow angry again, another kind of angry this time, something so foreign when it came to the curly haired guy in front of her. And she had no control over it._

 _"No, I don't want to break up with you, but I have been thinking about it, a lot, and maybe we can give ourselves some time; I don't see any other solution." He said, inexplicably mad himself too._

 _"How about this one? Grow up, Jesse." He seemed to hold back a flinch. "Because really, what is this about? Do you want to go back to your heartless playboy life? Say it and it's done, but don't go around telling me stories about not being ready to be with a person who obviously loves you back."_

 _Rachel felt her heartbeat pounding heavily under her ribcage, almost painfully so, as if it was making her whole body become heavy as well, not letting her even breathe correctly into the silence that had begun to grow; the almost crowded silence between them._

 _"Maybe, yes, we got together really fast and we didn't sort some things out, but...but I thought that was right, because that's how it felt, just to me, apparently." She said with sharp bladed tongue._

 _"Rachel-"_

 _"No," she cut him off. "I am just too tired by now; of waiting for you to become someone else, someone better and someone who will not hurt me. It's hard to just throw myself into the cliff waiting for someone to catch me when, really, I know you'll never be there. I am tired of waiting for you to become somebody I can be capable of loving without throwing myself against a wall. It is better this way, thank you, Jesse, for taking my blindfold away once more, I know I can always count on you for that. Now I know that every decision I've made this far has been wrong, that even talking to you in those showers was as stupid as it would get. You will never change." She gulped and was suddenly stroke by the lack of air; her hands were trembling and unconsciously she turned to watch the eyes she had been avoiding; was he hurt? She couldn't tell. His eyes were closed and she could see him clench them tightly for as long as it took for that second to be over. And she saw that he was, indeed, hurt, even a little regretful at once. She hadn't meant to do that, or maybe she had? "But in spite of that you always fool me into trusting you, believing that what I feel between us is real, and what was in it for you this time, huh? That's the thing I can't seem to get."_

 _She watched his face for a minute longer, he was looking at her too, but somehow his gaze was far off too, he was looking around her now as if to see if she was really there, standing with her hands turned to fists and speaking words that were like daggers of truth. People always knew he wasn't a fanatic for direct honesty, mostly, when it was addressed to him; but this time was different, he could say as much._

 _He blinked once and his eyes remained closed for a second or two, attempting to speak something more, but he couldn't decide on what to say, on what would ultimately make him feel happy; apologize, be mad at her for snapping when she wasn't supposed to, for sticking the knife further than necessary? None of those seemed to be quite right, he was left with nothing to say and guilty by being speechless. When she was walking away towards the door, he felt the compulsive need to ramble on and on about his reasons and his causes, but he saw no good outcome of that. Her body was almost gone out of his apartment, all that was left was the crack of a slightly ajar door._

 _"Only you." He spoke up, finally and he saw how the closing stopped, as if waiting for something else to be voiced, but it was shut closed just as easily._

* * *

"Something got in for you." Kurt said as he walked past the open door of their apartment with a big, white box in his hands, it had a pink topknot tied around it. Rachel eyed it curiously from her position in the couch; she was watching project runway, a program she hadn't particularly liked before, but now that Kurt watched it constantly, she had grown fond of it.

"A gift? For me? How flattered I feel right now." She said in a mocking dreamy voice as she stood up and walked to the kitchen table, where Kurt had left the box. "It must be from my dads, a pre-birthday gift maybe." She retrieved the bow carefully from the box and set herself to open it.

"A pre-gift? I thought they were taking you on a cruise...you sure are spoiled." Rachel glared at him.

"Kurt, you're ruining my gift-opening moment." He raised a teasing brow at her and snorted while he busied himself in searching suitable food in the fridge.

"Oh, please forgive me for such cruel intent." Rachel rolled her eyes with a smile on her face. She finally opened the box and her heart stung when she recognized Jesse's handwriting.

Kurt turned to look at her and frowned; Rachel wasn't moving, she was just contemplating the insides of her gift which he couldn't see from where he was standing, so he walked to stand beside her.

"Well, problem solved!" Kurt exclaimed with excitement.

"What?" Rachel suddenly spaced herself out of her train of thought, and was startled by Kurt's words.

"See, you had a pretty enough dress prepared for the Showcase, and now, you have a fabulous dress in order. Just as I pictured it." Rachel gave him a skeptical look. "Well, not exactly as I had imagined, but it came pretty close."

"Pity then, I'll ship it back to him." Kurt looked up from the carefully bent dress to Rachel with a terrified expression.

"To Jesse?" She nodded slowly. "B-but, the dress is perfect!" She glanced at the garment quickly and then back away as if just the slight bending would make her look weak.

"Doesn't matter, if I wear it, he will think that I forgave him." She conceded as she backed away from the box and went back to the couch she had been sitting on previously.

"Rach, sweetie, I know I don't have the complete information over here as in to what happened, but, what if he doesn't want to be forgiven?" He slipped in, wondering how she would react under other kind of thinking.

"What if I am the one that has to be forgiven?"

"Oh, no, that's off the question, he sent you a dress."

"But with what intent?" She questioned, as once again she stood up and made the walk to the table, she picked up the half bent paper that had 'Rachel' written on the top and opened it with a little more than tenderness. She read slowly through the words and then frowned, throwing the sheet of paper on the table.

"Hey! What does it say? Tell me!" Kurt demanded, as if he hadn't two hands to pick the paper up, but he hadn't done that in an attempt to not disturb -and within possibilities- his best friend's privacy. Rachel sighed wearily and rubbed her eyes with her sweater sleeve.

"I-uh, it says he saw the dress in a store and that he thought it would be fitting for me and the Showcase. That he apologizes for everything past us and he wishes me the most sincere of lucks." She frowned again, deeply this time in thought.

"Well, he might as well have written that to his ugly cousin." She gave him a weary glance.

"I don't think he has one of those. His family genes are perfect." She said, and was suddenly tired of being sitting down too, so she moved to lay down on the couch, facing Kurt who was taking the dress out of the box in fascination. The dress was of a complete dark, deep blue, with three quarter sleeves, the cleavage went a little under the collar bone and it had an open back that reached higher to her waist; it had a bell-like fall and a stunning waist band full of sparkling rocks.

"Oh, but look at this Rachel! It's beautiful. You, at least, have to try it on."

"What'll be the point to that? I can't wear it to the Case, he'll know I'm giving in-into his mind games." She insisted.

"Don't be ridiculous, Rachel, he sent you a dress, you wear it, you can't read too much into that." She twitched her mouth in consideration.

"Maybe...but what if he's the one who reads too much into it?" She said. "I mean, it is just a dress..."

"With a particularly cold note." Kurt pointed.

"You're right." She said determinately. "And he doesn't get to be cold, I get to be cold!" She stood up again and snatched the dress out of Kurt's hands. "I deserve a more than a pretty enough dress."

"That you do." Kurt agreed, watching her stalk off to her room with the dress on her hands. He smirked, he liked to see fiery Rachel once in a while. Oh, he didn't know what he had missed on.

* * *

She had talked to her dads; the two men telling her that they would've loved to be there; to watch her perform on such an important event like this was. But that unfortunately they both had had to work and that plain tickets to New York just don't grow on trees. Rachel had understood completely, but still, with no support system by her side, nervousness began to grow into anxiety. Kurt had told her Matt and he would get there as soon as they were done with dinner, no, more like promised. And she had told him not to worry if they didn't make it in time, even though she was silently praying for them to speed their meal or just skip it.

She was walking around the staircase to the round room, walking away her anxiety had proven to be of no use. She was alone and she didn't see the problem in admitting that it bothered her more than it probably should, she had been alone before, it wasn't such a big deal. Except, that this day in particular, it kind of was.

She hadn't seen Jesse since she got there; he was probably having some sort of pre-show ritual that had stuck in his high school years. She could understand that, now she missed the show circles they all used to do. She probably felt like listening to a cheesy pep talk too.

She had worn the dress Jesse had sent because of a sudden act of impulsiveness; or so she had told Kurt. But, secretly, Rachel hoped that it meant something to him, even if she didn't want him acting upon it, or if the angriness was still there, the bitterness or the problem. It was a clear mistake, she could see, but it was just a dress, a simple piece of clothing that was anything but to Rachel.

Rachel began to mouth the lyrics to her song; what if she coaxed again? No, she wouldn't, she knew this song by heart. But so had she known Don't Rain on My Parade. No, she wouldn't. Not this time. Her mind insisted though.

"Hi." She heard herself saying. The moving body up the stairs stopped on his tracks and turned around with a smile. She suppressed the frown at herself, she hadn't thought she noticed him going up the stairs.

"Hey." He stepped down to her. "I thought you'd be there already."

"No, I needed to calm myself down first." He frowned slightly and eyed her carefully.

"You're nervous." He pointed, crossing his arms over his suited chest.

"Huh, hadn't noticed that." She replied sarcastically. Jesse rolled his eyes.

"I mean, I didn't know you did nervous." His mouth twitched a little. "Doesn't suit you."

"Thank you, that sure helps a lot." She added patronizingly.

"I'm sorry I can't do much to actually help, Rachel, I can offer you fifteen minutes in the janitors' closet, but I wouldn't want to ruin your dress." He said, with a smirk plastered on his face. Rachel scowled at him and looked away, then she looked down at her dress self-consciously, he was being an ass because of the dress. That alone, made her want to go back to The Village and change into her pretty enough dress while the one she was currently wearing burnt down in the street.

"Asshole." She muttered, shaking her head almost at herself; what she hoped for was a lost cause from the beginning.

"Nice comeback." He roamed his eyes all over her once more and began to pace up the stairs again. "You really look nice, by the way." He called smugly over his shoulder.

Rachel sighed and placed a hand on her forehead. What was that? Something inside herself answered that that was the Jesse St. James all of her friends had known and she hadn't been able to see before. Cocky, arrogant, self-absorbed ass who wanted nothing but to get her into bed with him. And he almost succeeded. Twice.

She wouldn't be blinded anymore. But she had to give it to him; he had been a hell of a good actor.

* * *

"That was amazing!" Matt said excitedly. "I mean, I've never seen so many people perform like that." Kurt smiled at him. "Rachel, honestly, cheers to you."

"Thank you, Matt, you're being awfully nice to me." Rachel said to the tall guy next to Kurt. He was really handsome; a guy with perfectly coiffed brown hair, and pale baby blue eyes. Really nice factions and great personality.

"That win was well deserved, Rach, I have to agree." Said Kurt, clapping his hands at her in the street. "I call it was the dress." He teased.

"I call it was my voice." Rachel argued. "God, I can't believe this, I won!"

"Yeah, you did!" Kurt joined. "See, Matt, I told you I only make acquaintance with very talented people." He elbowed his date.

"Huh, good to hear, I think it's time I take those free ballet lessons then, or else, you'd be stuck with my one and only talent." Matt said.

"Which is?" Kurt asked.

"You'll see." The tall guy inquired, smirking as Kurt flushed slightly. Rachel groaned.

"I'll meet you back at the apartment, Kurt, I'm making such a bad third wheel."

"Wait, why? No, you're not." Kurt protested.

"She is." Matt agreed. "I might get lucky tonight and the talented best friend does not foment that." Kurt glared at him as Rachel grinned teasingly.

"No you're not." Kurt said to Matt. Rachel could see that her best friend wanted to sound death serious, but there was something in him that didn't let him.

"Are you sure?" Matt insisted.

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Guys, let me let you finish your date in total privacy. I'll hail a cab and meet you back home. It was really nice to meet you Matt, and thanks a lot for agreeing to come." Rachel said with a smile.

"It was all my pleasure, I truly liked the performances." He said as he shook hands with Rachel. Kurt smiled at her best friend with a twinkle of his eye; she could tell he was having a good time with Matt, and that was more than enough to put Rachel in a good mood. Not that the recent win hadn't done that already, but this was better.

"Oh, and he clapped in all of them, I told you." Kurt said to Rachel. She smiled again.

"I want him back by one." She warned as she crossed the street and waved at them.

"Okay, then back by five!" She heard Matt call back at her. She chuckled and kept walking.

It had been a real show back at NYADA, once Carmen announced the winner, Rachel could barely believe it. But once again hard work had paid off, all of that practicing and the vocal warm ups at seven in the morning were being rewarded by that simple win that meant the world to her right now, well, mostly anyway.

She hadn't told Kurt about her brief talk with Jesse in the staircase. She could tell her best friend was still hoping for a reconciliation; but, truth be told, she wasn't. She had been let down by his attitude. Maybe, she thought, he truly wasn't ready for a serious relationship and with Rachel of all people. She had been recently engaged to another man just about a year ago, that had to tell people something; that she wanted to get married one day, that she wanted that, that she was the girlfriend type all the way. And now that she thought about it like that, she was scared herself. Did Jesse think he had to give her all of that right now? She hoped not. She was in college, she wanted to live a little. The engagement thing had been a pure bad judgement moment in her life.

But still, he, well, they could've handled it better than they did. She had been quick to believe in other people's words and he had been quick in wanting to get out of their relationship. They had been quick to throw everything out the window with not the single consideration on what it meant to both of their lives. Maybe she was thinking in plural too much.

She hailed a cab and got in, giving off the address as a second nature and staring out the window. She didn't know what she wanted. When had Rachel Berry ever been torn on what she wanted? All she knew was that she was trying to believe that Jesse was just throwing an act right now, and that she also was trying to believe that he was throwing away his years long act right now. All of which made her want to scream at him and at herself for believing him in the first place.

"Hey, are you getting out or what?" She was snapped out of her train of thought and scowled at the taxi driver, she looked outside the window.

"Excuse me, this isn't the address I gave you." She said, once she recognized the building.

"What do you think I am, dumb? This is it." She pursed her lips. "You're paying me anyway." Rachel groaned inwardly as she just paid the driver and got out. The car speeding off the second she slammed the door.

"What am I doing here?" She asked herself. Rachel decided to get in, maybe ask the door man to call another taxi for her, one in which the driver was less rude instead of stalling outside.

But once she was inside the grand building, her choice gradually changed into getting inside the elevator and pressing eight on the buttons. She looked at herself in the mirrored walls of the steel box; she seemed considerably tired, but her look for the night hadn't been fumed away completely. Such a complicated up-do Kurt had insisted on getting a professional hair dresser to do, and the dark blue dress complementing her everything. She had to admit that while she was exiting her apartment earlier in the night, she had absolutely loved how she looked. Nobody was going to take that away from her.

The elevator doors opened to the sides and she stepped out with close to no hesitation, waking determinately to the path she knew would lead her to her destined door. Her knuckles hit on the wooden door twice, all color drained from her face as she realized what she was doing and why. But she had no time to run away; the door opened to reveal Jesse St. James with his tie undone, no blazer on, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up and a glass of scotch in his hand. His eyes stared at her intently and then he decided he did wanted to know what had brought her here.

"Look what the wind brings sometimes." He chuckled. "Truly fascinating."

"I'm not here to take any of your oh so valuable time, Jesse." He smirked.

"No, please come in, now that you're not calling me an asshole." She stepped in.

"You deserved that one."

"I really did, didn't I?" He said. "Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so blunt." She twitched her teeth at his condescending tone.

"I didn't want you to propose or anything like that." He frowned, his confusion evident, but then he easily hid it and walked inside his apartment after closing his door, going past Rachel and refilling his drink.

"Great to know, but why, Rachel, are you telling me this?" He turned to see her.

"Because you said you weren't ready and I'm here telling you there's nothing you have to be ready for." He raised a brow.

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that I didn't want a ring out of this relationship, far from it actually." She muttered the last part, but he heard it all.

"Okay, good, because I'm not some idiot that proposes just because he's gone through his entire video game collection and he's bored the hell out of his life. We're not all like that, Rachel." She was about to say something when he continued. "I take things seriously when they need to be, and it amazes me how you fail to see that I wasn't planning on popping out the question any time soon."

"No, I know that, but I just thought-"

"That I'd want to compete against marriage in high school? No, trust me, I wouldn't." He walked towards her. "Believe it or not, my life does not revolve around you, Rachel, or what I have to do next to keep you by my side."

"I didn't imply it did!"

"Okay, fine, then _why_ are you here?" He asked, with an amazingly calm demeanor when Rachel was starting to heat up at his implications.

"To tell you what I just did, and now that I have, I'm leaving before I want to slap you in the face again." He smirked at her.

"Always the pacifist." He joked.

"Although you deserve it." She said.

"Oh, there's a ton of things I deserve in life and yet here I am, standing in front of you with my hands to myself." He said, then frowned. "Huh, hadn't realized I was _that_ drunk." She sighed and chuckled now, giving up on any storming out.

"It only makes me realize how not drunk I am."

"Well, you are almost nineteen, so it is illegal of me to do this, but, you deserve this. Congratulations. Didn't have a chance to say it earlier." He said, serving another cup of whatever he was having and handing it to Rachel. "I don't have any champagne, so this will have to do." Rachel half smiled at the gesture.

"Thank you." She said as she sipped her glass. Almost surprised at how at ease it left her, how she had almost expected it not to burn that much.

"Cassie told me about the little show you decided to have in class." He said, walking the few steps to his couch where his blazer had been left off, he signaled for Rachel to join him if she wanted. "Opening number of Chicago again?"

"Yeah, I have my moments. You weren't there." He chuckled, his shoulders tensing.

"I'm flattered that you even noticed at all." Rachel gave him a look.

"Of course I did, you idiot, you're my dancing partner." He smiled.

"Much to Cassie's dislike." Rachel mirrored his expression.

"Yes, but, why weren't you there?" He cleared his throat, giving away his discomfort as he shifted on the couch. "You don't have to tell me if-"

"No, it's fine, my father's in town, I met up with him, only hour free on his schedule."

"Oh."

"He wanted to talk about my future." He drank the rest of the alcohol in his glass. "When are you going to snap out of this singing nonsense, Jesse? You're the heir to my legacy! I think I gave you enough time to live like you wanted, now you're forever in debt with me for that." He said, mimicking some gestures Rachel assumed his father did.

"Jesse-" she started.

"It was long coming, Rachel, really, so it's not a big deal."

"But it is! It's your life." He smirked sadly.

"He might just let me finish this semester, I just, I thought my life would start to end later on, not so soon." He paused. "I wanted to do something for me first, to be something I would like before I became what my family would like."

"He doesn't control you, Jesse."

"He does, I just haven't been able to admit that out loud. I'm used to the money, Rachel, and it is pathetic to say this but it plays a big role in my life and who I am." She leaned closer to him.

"That's not true, money isn't who you are Jesse, up there in the stage it is the last thing that matters, your voice; that is who you are. It has always been."

"I'm glad that you still think so." He said; remembering all of the times when they first dated where she would encourage him every time he had an issue with his father.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Well, because of this." He said, signaling between the two and then sighing. "You should be yelling at me right now."

"You should be yelling at me too, then." He chuckled.

"Later. And, we wouldn't want out vocal cords to be damaged in that particular way." She rolled her eyes.

"Right."

Her eyes met his again, this time with the intensity she felt but didn't want to show. He was faintly smirking, almost as if he didn't mean to, but his eyes relaxed when he did so; she looked at his entire face and realized there was mocking in his expression; almost as if he knew what she was going to do next.

"Don't look at me like that." She whispered, almost too close to him, almost too late to back out.

"Like what?" He said, his hot breath tingling her face, the faint trace of alcohol mixing with his cologne was almost intoxicating to her.

"Like you know what I'm thinking." His smirk grew wider.

"Maybe I know." He spoke, kissing the corner of her mouth teasingly, and then her chin, backtracking slightly to look at her closed eyes and her flustered expression.

"You do?" She muttered.

"Yes." His words made her shoulders shiver, he whispered it to her ear. His mouth kissed her earlobe and then gently sucked on it as he heard how Rachel's breathing hitched quickly. "Did I forget to say how hot you look in this dress? I kept imagining you in it when I bought it." Her eyes went wide at his admission and she was about to protest something about it when his hand found her thigh and his mouth covered hers, keeping both of them from saying too many words.

His soft mouth captured her large one and she instantly responded to the kiss, making their lips slowly catch and release the other's. Jesse sucked gently on Rachel's lower lip, tasting now her strawberry lip-gloss between every kiss. He seek entrance by liking her upper lip and once she opened her mouth up to him, their tongues laced and danced together for one more taste of the other.

Rachel's small hands traced up Jesse's neck and continuously caressed her way up to his soft curls, feeling herself gasping when his hand ran up her thigh and her hip, up her arm tantalizingly until he reached her shoulder and his fingers got to her collarbone, then to sweetly play with the fabric of her dress, as if toying with the idea of finally taking it off.

Her hands traced his cheeks momentarily and then lowered to his chest with a particular nervous antic Jesse noticed immediately. He wanted to say something, tease her about it and continue to be witty with her, because if he was being honest, he liked that relationship with her; but he convinced himself it wouldn't be the wisest move right now.

She didn't want him asking the question again; she felt like she wouldn't know what to say and they would have to stop just to talk about it. And right now, she didn't want to stop, at all. But he asked her anyway. "Are you sure?" Her lips continued to mark her pathway down his neck, her hands unbuttoning his shirt slowly and kissing every single part of his newly exposed skin. That seemed to give him his answer somehow.

* * *

 **Yes, I'm a terrible person. This was supposed to end M, but I decided to leave it T rated because I'm not very good at smut writing and if by chance you read BT then you know it's true. Lol. But however if you want me to try again just say so and I'll really try my best then. I just wasn't feeling particularly confident about it. So, here you go, I hope you liked it and didn't want to kill me.**

 **Thanks for reading :)**


	15. Glee, Actually

**Hello! I hope that some people haven't completely lost interest in this story given, well, my last update was in July. But I have been busy and not as focused in my writing as I would like. Sorry.**

 **I enjoyed writing this chapter and I hope you guys enjoy reading it.**

* * *

3am in a Sunday, Jesse was awakened by an itching on his back. He rolled onto his spine and watched in awe the slightly covered and very naked body beside him, soundly asleep. Her long hair, now free from the once perfected up-do, all over the pillows and itching his skin. He didn't mind at all.

One of his hands quickly gathered her messy locks all around and secured them somewhere where it wouldn't disturb his sleep again. But he smiled, just because she was there.

He snaked his arm around her waist and took advantage of the fact that it was a particularly cold December night to bring Rachel closer to him. Jesse took a moment to close his eyes and try to go back to slumber though, because he was having a hard time believing that this actually just happened, and happened time and time again until they were both just way too exhausted. Still, he was afraid this was just another fantasy of his; until he heard her sigh and snuggle against him. No, he definitely couldn't be dreaming this.

He might not have gotten that trophy last night, but this, this was bliss itself.

Finally, he decided that he had had plenty of scotch last night and that although he prided himself for being incredibly resistant to alcohol, he had been drunk enough for his body to demand some healing time. So, he went back to sleep, calmly closing his eyes from the beautiful sight next to him. Happiness going all through his body when he was again reminded that he didn't have to dream this anymore; that this was actually his life.

* * *

But not later than 6am in the morning of said same Sunday, he woke up again, this time no hair provoking him to itch. This time, it was how cold he felt. Of course, he was naked too and outside the faint trace of snow was starting to show. The sheets and the comforter on top of him just weren't enough to trace the cold away from him. But now he remembered; he had had a viable source of constant heat beside him before, warm olive skin and soft hands covering his. _Where had Rachel gone?_

He had a headache now, and much to his displeasure the blinds of his window were open, and the sun was beginning to come out of its hiding spot. He didn't even feel capable of standing up and close them so that he wouldn't feel like the sunlight was tearing his skin away. He hated hangovers; and he hadn't had them for years, they started one infamous night after a very famous show choir national win: his last one. One must not mix alcohol and heartbreak, the outcome tends to be disgusting.

But now a breeze hit his back, which was turned to the windows. He frowned, had he left the windows opened last night? How drunk had he been? It was freezing last night as well. The only thing he could bring himself to do was turn on his back to watch the windows, hoping no natural light was showing yet.

He didn't know what to think for a moment at what he saw, he just contemplated for a second there. It felt odd to almost understand it, it felt really strange to not feel sorry for himself. He chuckled and closed his eyes again.

"Really, Rachel? The fire escape ladder?" He opened his eyes again, sighing as he looked at the ripped off yellow pad page placed on the window that read 'Sorry' in big, fat letters.

Jesse felt like he was about to faint when he decided to sit up straight on his bed. He ran a hand through his hair and analyzed. She must have run away during the last two hours, in which the world was freezing even more. He didn't think she took some of his coats or sweaters, so she might have climbed down the fire escape ladder with only her thin dress on while holding her high heels in her hands. His hands automatically moved to cover his face up and then slid them down dramatically.

"God, I'm in love with a nut job." He muttered, not at all surprised by his own choice of words. Jesse had always known Rachel loved dramatics, but even she had to admit that this was way over the line. Because, really, there's a freaking door.

He didn't remember exactly when was it that they moved it over to his bed, maybe the leather of his couch was making both of their skins ache and the sweat wasn't working either. He didn't feel like thinking about it now, anyway.

Jesse, risking the vertigo he might have by standing up, ventured himself to his bathroom where he kept the aspirins and swallowed one without even glancing at it twice. He thought the smartest thing to do was think ahead of himself and prevent the worst headache of his life. After he looked at himself in the mirror, he exited his bathroom and put on some pajamas, walking away from his bed. He closed the window steels and snatched the yellow sheet from it rudely, throwing it away in the nearest trash can he could find. He scoffed. 'Sorry.'

That was actually all Rachel had, one pathetic little word to apologize for leaving him, more like dumping him and throwing nothing but utter confusion at Jesse. Making herself do the walk of shame all the way to The Village at some ungodly hour. Well, he was sorry too then.

Right after he made himself some coffee, Jesse looked around his kitchen, everything looked normal. He walked towards the living room with a hot cup of coffee, holding it in his hands just to let it cool a little. He eyed all around; there were only his clothes laying around and two empty glasses on his coffee table to evidence the events of last night. Of course, there was his bedroom too, but he had watched that pity scene before. He scratched the back of his neck with his free hand and flinched at the contact, somehow his hand was cold.

Suddenly, a concern made his face cringe, had she made it home safe? He had expressed time and time again that he did not like her living in such dangerous neighborhood all because her previous roommate was what you could call a slut these days. Living with a slut was safer than living somewhere where you would have to chain the door twice. No, erase that, they forgot to chain in sometimes.

He bit his lip and took a sip of his coffee out of anxiety; instantly regretting it as he felt his throat burn slightly. Would it be weird if he called her? What did that 'sorry' mean anyway? What was she saying 'sorry' for? But to him it ultimately didn't matter, he wanted to make sure she was fine and some petting note wouldn't hold him from doing just that.

* * *

It was really awful how some morning people getting their jog around the streets looked at one girl with one gorgeous dress and an improvised pony tail, holding her high heels and her dignity, disapprovingly. The taxi driver was trying not to study her appearance too much, but at last, he just shook his head and his eyes stayed permanently on the road ahead of them. Rachel didn't know how to handle all of this. She knew what this looked like, she knew what this was. And she also knew she could've spared herself all of this if she had not woken up at 4am in the morning because of a steering noise that was strangely alike to her ringtone.

She wasn't going to answer it, specifically because she had left her cell phone in her purse, which was in the living room, along with her optional clothing. It hit her just then, where was she at, and who exactly had an arm around her and cuddling with her. She felt comfortable enough to fall asleep again, until that noise sounded again. It was barely there and she thanked god that Jesse couldn't hear it, or if he did, he ignored it quite easily.

Gracefully, she freed herself from Jesse's embrace and was almost about to start shaking from the absence of it, it was really getting cold outside. She opened his closet and took out a sweater, sliding it down her body as quickly as she managed to. Rachel remembered how she had one of his shirts, his favorite one, still in her apartment; she never gave it back after she stayed over for the first time here. She smiled at that in spite of herself.

Rachel walked as silently as she could over to the living room and searched in the dark for her purse and eventually her phone. Once she did, she saw who the calls were from. One had the area code for Ohio. And the other one was plain New York City. She decided not to return either yet.

The sun was long from coming out and although she was dying to go back to sleep, she couldn't do that. It had been amazing last night, all of it. But sex didn't just erase everything they had talked about before and she wasn't exactly eager to discuss all of it and its meaning to her immediate life.

And now that she thought of it; what had possessed her last night to come over here in the middle of the night and tell Jesse she didn't want him to propose? Maybe it all had been a stupid excuse to talk to him again. She couldn't face him again as embarrassed as she was.

Everything after that last thought was like a rush; suddenly, she was climbing down the fire escape ladder for an eight floor and cursing her own stupid ideas every time her bare feet touched the icy steel. And it was beginning to snow again. Once, and who knows how, she made it to the ground, Rachel hailed a cab, ignoring everyone's curious looks and amused faces.

There was a door, she knew that, but she also knew that she had to go through the main lobby where many snobby people would look and annoy the hell out of her.

By now, it was half past five in the morning in a beautiful Sunday, and she was enjoying to see the sunrise and above it all the gray clouds spiking everything away. She made it to her home by six and paid the taxi driver in a rush before getting herself inside her building, practically running up the stairs and sliding open her door. Her apartment was still very much dark and she closed the door behind her.

Rachel ticked the lights on and looked around the rooms; she had to guess, Kurt had stayed at Matt's and she rolled her eyes with a smirk on her face. She was going to tease him endlessly for breaking his 'not after just one date' thing. But she realized just as quickly, that she needed Kurt there to tell him everything, she needed to hear him sass about everything she did wrong last night.

She decided to call him back, pressing on the speed dial number two and begging him subconsciously to answer quickly...but he didn't. After only just a minute; he sent a text.

'Sorry sweetie, I can't answer right now. Only called to tell you I wasn't coming home today. Don't worry. Love you.'

Rachel sighed and frowned at the first word of the text. 'Sorry.' Could she have been any vaguer? She had felt the need to explain, but she didn't know what could explain her bailing on Jesse like that. She figured she'd call him later and explain correctly, but truly, she knew it had been a mistake to leave like that, clearly she hadn't been thinking under her right mind.

* * *

"So what, now you're one of those guys who disappear in weekends at times?"

If she had to be fair, and she wasn't, Rachel would just leave Kurt out of the hook. But that would led her on to spill out all of her secrets. And she had decided it was just better if she kept them to herself for a little while longer.

"Don't exaggerate, I'm here now." Rachel looked down at her slippers and half smiled.

"Did you have a good time?" She watched Kurt leave the messenger bag he had been carrying in his room and then walk out to contemplate her.

"Have you been here the entire weekend? Just plastered into the couch and watching your entire musical collection?" Rachel glared at him, but couldn't help but look around her living room; all of her DVDs displayed on the coffee table and several amount of plastic plates on the floor. Yeah, she guessed she did look kind of pathetic.

"Don't avoid my question like that. I want to know how your time with Matt was." He raised one brow quizzically at her but decided to shrug off whatever was telling him there was more to his best friend's movie day.

"Oh, you know...fantastic." They both instantly smiled. "I had a great time with him actually. I want to say I forgot how it was to spend time with a guy like that, but I don't think I ever did share that experience with someone." He said, diving into his thoughts right away.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, with Blaine it was always different, we spent time together and all while getting to know each other, but it was never this much...drama-less." He chuckled. "I think what I mean to say is that, it was easy with Matt. Conversation just flowed and, this is a good one, he's not in love with any GAP managers, I know for a fact." Rachel chuckled this time.

" _And_ I liked him, if that gives any bonuses." Rachel offered with a smirk.

"Yes, so you see what I mean? It's really hard not to like him. So I'm not going to fight it." Kurt sat down near her on the couch.

"I'm glad." He nodded and looked at her out of the corner of his eye.

"I think you're glad about something else, aren't you?" He inquired.

"Yes! I won at the Showcase, I radiate happiness!" Kurt frowned and his eyes widened for a bit.

"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I totally misread that. You're miserable, what happened?" Rachel sighed and shook her head.

"I'm not miserable, I really am happy about what I just told you." He looked at her and then at the TV, examining the room further.

"We don't make marathons when we're exactly chirpy." He paused. "It's when we're torn, remember? When we need to make life changing decisions?"

"This one was just out of pleasure. You know what? I liked it better when you weren't here. Go!" Kurt groaned in frustration.

"Stop being so stubborn, just tell me what's wrong."

Rachel didn't say anything, she pursed her lips together and tried to avoid Kurt's penetrating gaze. He cracked his knuckles and sighed. He didn't like silences; especially the ones with Rachel, whom he was supposed to talk to about everything and sometimes he didn't like the easiness which with she kept her problems to herself. But he guessed it was her decision to accumulate them until one day she just exploded. Kurt just hoped he didn't have to be the only one picking up the pieces later.

* * *

The phone rang in the night; and by the phone, it was the landline. At first, it woke up neither one of the two sounding asleep people in the apartment. But then it rang again and the porcelain faced guy was a little bit disturbed out of his sleep, he tried to reach out for his phone and failed miserably as he heard the small thing fall to the ground. His clumsy arm reached out for it and brought it to his face. Kurt's blue eyes struggled to adjust to the light but he was fast to notice that it wasn't his phone that was causing all the noise. He groaned and cursed his roommate under his breath.

The phone had stopped ringing and he sighed, not really worried; he had always been fast to fall asleep anywhere. So he tried again, his head resting again on his pillow, he closed his eyes and tossed his phone aside.

His eyes opened, the phone was ringing again; he really tried not to remain irritated. But it was the middle of the night and he had a job to get to in the morning, and an assistant job at that; if he was always on the verge of fainting with a good night sleep, he could only imagine what his day would be like tomorrow. But just when his mouth was about to open and demand Rachel to answer her damn phone...

"Kurt! Answer your damn phone! Just let me sleep!" Her voice had a wailing to it, quite comical, but he was far too irritated and sleepy headed to even laugh at his friend.

Then he frowned, his mind finally registering what was happening. If the phone ringing wasn't Rachel's or his, then...did they have someone staying over that he didn't know of? But then a beep he had only heard once since he moved in with Rachel manifested along with the voice of one Jesse St. James.

"Hey Rach, I'm sorry for calling this late, I just got really worried..."

Kurt grinned wildly, he couldn't believe this was happening. He didn't even bother to turn the lights on; more quick footsteps echoed his own to the living room, but fortunately, he was quicker to get there.

"No! Kurt! Turn that off!" Rachel balanced over his back and tried to tackle him, but fortunately again, he was stronger and shoved her away from him until she was on the floor.

"Anyway, I wanted to know if you had gotten home safe, you kind of sneaked out..."

Rachel was throwing pillows at Kurt now and trying to get to him by insulting their friendship, but he just kept grinning with every word Jesse said.

"I gotta' give it to you, the fire escape ladder thing did add a dramatic touch, so, well, call me, I think we really need to talk about what happened."

And the beep again.

"Oh my god! You had sex with Jesse!" Kurt exclaimed, his face a forever statement of happiness and a little bit of amusement. "I knew the dress was something else." He muttered.

"Hey! You told me it didn't have to mean anything." She paused and frowned. "And no I didn't. We just...uh-"

"Yeah, you probably combed each other's hair all night long." Kurt said teasingly. "And you had to sneak up on him, performing the most popular act all around the world: the walk of shame." He chuckled. "Did you really climbed down the fire escape ladder, Rachel?"

Rachel sighed, she began stumbling with her words, but at the end she knew that there was no possible lie that could cover this up. Jesse just _had to_ leave a message.

"Fine, I slept over at Jesse's and we may have enrolled in other activities. And also, yes, I climbed down the ladder, happy?" She confessed everything, there wasn't any use in trying to hide it any longer.

"Very, actually. Does this mean you're back together?" Kurt asked. Rachel frowned slightly. There was a question she hadn't been able to put an answer to.

"I don't know, we didn't talk about that. I didn't give him a chance to talk about that." She said.

"Because you ran away. Rachel, why? It's not like you just met him, or he lived with his mother. You could've just stayed; I don't think he would've complained."

"No, I know that. I just, didn't feel like talking to him, about that specifically. It's just that, I don't know what I want, Kurt."

"Meaning, you don't know if you want Jesse anymore?"

"No, I want him, I do. It's been really hard to stay away from him, because, remember how it was when I first moved here? Jesse was there for me, in a way; I think he's always been there. And I don't want to throw that away." She paused. "I still love him, Kurt. But what happened last night doesn't magically fix things. He said he's not ready."

Kurt wanted to voice his ignorance in all of this issue. Rachel hadn't told him much, besides that they were broken up.

"Rachel, you have to talk to him. He's the only one who will give you answers. I know it's not fair for you to stay away just because of what he said, but you have to try and figure it out, if it's true that you love him."

* * *

They agreed to meet in the diner where they had usually went to most of their first mornings in NYADA. Rachel was already there, sipping a glass of water and watching her phone's black screen. She was expecting to get a text, from Jesse; one that said he couldn't make it, or just read that he didn't want to see her.

For a while, in the midst of waiting for him to show up. She thought about how she knew Jesse was an asshole when he was nervous. Rachel was very aware of that and no matter that, she decided to sweep that knowledge away the day of the Showcase, when he was being rude to her in the staircase. Now she knew he was just nervous.

She knew a lot of things about him; the first time they got together he was so intriguing; it was like he had built a wall to guard his personal life. She knew nothing about him except that he was in Vocal Adrenaline and he would be gone to LA the next year. Rachel had to be there and patiently wait for him to talk, and discovered that when it was about Jesse, she was actually a very good listener. By the end of their relationship she knew more things about him than she wanted to know; details of his life that made it even more complicated to get over him. There were small talks they had, away from everyone, in which they told each other secrets, where they began to be intimate. She knew him so well, and yet, it was like they were getting to know each other all over again. There were somethings that she chose to ignore over time, and nevertheless they never slipped her mind.

"Rachel." She heard her name and instantly looked up. Jesse was taking a seat across from her in the cabinet. "I'm sorry I'm late, Cassie wanted to talk to me about something." He explained.

Rachel nodded slightly and examined the menu in front of her. She wasn't hungry, as she hadn't been for the past few weeks, now she only ate for substance, energy; and not because she wanted to. So everything was the same.

"I'm sorry." She blurted out and instantly regretted her choice of words, and the length of her apology.

"So I've read." He said, but not with spite or anything resembling that. He just said it, it was out there.

"And about that note, I was freaking out and I didn't want to wake you up-"

"So you chose the fire escape ladder instead of the door?" Rachel sighed deeply.

"Yes, but I'm sorry I didn't stay; though I really wanted to." She confessed.

"Then why didn't you?" It was a simple question, but one she had no right answers to. She could pour out the fuzzy contents of her mind and start rambling, but that would make no good.

"I didn't know what to think of it; our relationship I mean." She stared at his eyes for the first time since he had arrived. Rachel didn't know what it was about those eyes, but she always had trouble facing them. They were almost icy, but whenever addressed to her, she swore they became the warmest blue she had ever seen.

"It is complicated." He agreed shortly, and then let go of menu he had been holding, there was no use in managing to distract himself. They both wanted to talk, not eat.

"But I'm not mad about you leaving." He cleared his throat. "I mean, when I first spotted the note I think I could almost understand it. But I really don't, Rach."

"You said you weren't ready, and I think I am not too. I could've stayed and work things out the same day, but instead I left and tried not to think of you, and it's really hard to talk to you right now." Jesse nodded once and looked away; his mouth was in a small grimace.

After Rachel saw he wasn't going to say anything, she continued talking. "Remember how it was before we started dating, here in New York?" He looked at her once again, but his expression only looked troubled.

"Yeah."

"When we were friends and-"

"Rachel, we were never _just_ friends." She had to smile a little at his comment. "But, what's your point?"

"Maybe it's still too soon for me to be in a committed relationship."

"Too soon because of Finn?" He asked, not mad once again, just calm and searching.

"No, too soon because of me. It's hard because I can't imagine myself to be alone, it's been such a long time since it's been just me. Ever since sophomore year I've been jumping from relationship to relationship, and I don't like the thought of it now." He considered her words for moment.

"So, you're saying you just want to be friends?"

"I wish it were that simple, Jesse. I don't know what I want. I'm just telling you my thoughts on this."

"But you're saying you want to be alone. Where do I fit there? If I fit in at all." He gulped. "I knew the other night wasn't going to fix anything, but I want it to be fixed, I do. Whatever it is."

She smiled sheepishly at him as he took her hand on his and rubbed it softly. "Me too." She voiced. "But it's going to take a while. Mainly because of what I just said..."

"I know, and I get it, Rach. And if I have to stand back and be your friend for a while, I'll have that, as long as you're aware that I am not giving up on you and that I still mean what I said...about loving you." As he stated that last couple of words, they intertwined their hands and looked at each other in the eye.

It was hard not to remember a bunch of memories laced with the others' eyes. The two always had a way of knowing how the other felt, and it was true that the eyes are the window to the soul. To them, at least.

"I love you too." She said, finally.

And it was right there that they both knew with certainty that being friends was going to be their very personal hell.

* * *

 **So I hope you liked it, and now I do hope that my updates for this story flow easier. But all in all I want to finish this story and I have a lot of ideas for it.**

 **Thanks for reading, and review with any thought, suggestion, critique. Anything will be very much appreciated and noted. :)**


	16. Sadie Hawkins

Being just friends had turned out to be a very interesting experience. Rachel had to magically update her definition of friends. Because the way she thought about Kurt was absolutely not the way she thought about Jesse.

At first, she realized that if she looked at Jesse like a friend, then it was wrong to imagine him naked. But then again, she didn't have to imagine.

It all started two weeks after they had their talk in the diner. She was just coming back from her cruise and Christmas was two days away. To Rachel and her religion the 25th in particular didn't mean much, but over the years she had learnt to appreciate the date as something more than the birth of a catholic figure. It was a time to forgive and share, and she liked the way people acted upon a Christmas three and a feisty dinner. Because at least for the night, everything looked to be perfect in the world.

Well, on the 24th and with the knowledge that she wouldn't be in Ohio for Hanukkah this year, she decided there was no one she would rather spend the holiday than Kurt. But then her best friend announced that Burt was in town and with a disturbing surprise guest, or so his text read. So, he would be spending the night with his dad and she was so very happy for him. But she grimaced at the thought of being alone on Christmas Eve.

Two hours later she had walked all the way to CallBacks, and she found herself sitting at the bar with a drink on her hand and listening to a guy pour his heart out with a song. The complete frame made her depress. And if she had to guess, everyone inside the bar felt the same.

Rachel didn't know how was it that she managed to unlock her cellphone and text the first person that popped up in her mind. She was quick to write the text and send it. And by the time said person decided to appear by her side, she had already had another drink, this time a stronger one.

Her eyes spotted his body enter the bar, and he was wearing a coat and a scarf, both slightly covered with melting snow. He took them off and was left with a navy blue sweater. Then he approached her with a smile.

"So Rach, I just got a text from a girl saying she wanted someone to kiss at midnight but somehow I don't think she got the night right." He chuckled. "Come here."

He came to stand beside her and hugged her small body.

"I missed you, Jesse." She said against his sweater and then pulled away to look up into his eyes. "I'm sorry, you must have better plans for tonight."

"No, not better than this. All I had was Cassie's party. And I don't want to socialize with scorned actors tonight." Rachel laughed slightly.

"Sit down with me." She said and watched as he did so. Over time, Rachel had learned how to be a measured drunk, and she hoped she'd stay.

He looked so handsome as he smiled at her, Rachel recalled how, for a long while, remembering that same smile got her through a long hard summer, and this as she tried to get over Jesse with kissing Finn. "I remember that when I first saw you, I couldn't believe it. I thought of you as too good to be true. I don't know if you noticed, but I was in awe."

Jesse could only smirk at this, he remembered that day very clearly as a matter of fact. And every other following that were like a fuzz.

"I think I remember. You looked impressed." He paused. "But that's not what caught my attention."

"No?" He shook his head no at her. "Then what did?"

"The way you were looking for a song. You looked like you knew every goddamned song ever written, and you knew exactly what you were looking for. Then, your voice." He smiled at her, and how she paid so much attention to what he said. "You were all I could think about, and all I wanted to do was hear you sing again."

Rachel waited a couple of seconds and then stood up. "Your wish might be granted once again."

Jesse watched her walk up to the stage; due to the small attendance that night, there was no list to be followed. So she just said the word to her song and the piano man began playing the notes Jesse cherished so much.

He stayed put in his seat while he watched Rachel prepare behind the single microphone; a smile appeared on his face when she began singing what had come to be their song. Hello.

And to think that after all those years he still felt the same thing when he heard her voice as he had the first time. But this time it was different, very, as a matter of fact.

The notes died as the bartender served his scotch, but everyone inside that bar was watching Rachel intently and holding onto every verse that left her mouth. He was too, but in a much more intimate and quite incomprehensible way. He was in love with this girl. And because of it he would have to die on the inside everyday on till she decided she's ready. And he was willing to do this, just because it was Rachel who was asking.

If it had been any other day, or if he had thought things more thoroughly, he wouldn't have made any kind of move on Rachel that night. Of course, that the booze helped a lot.

They talked about their lives; Rachel whined about how hard it was to live with Kurt sometimes and how much she missed her family. Jesse talked about his dad, with whom he had had a meeting the past Monday; he didn't want to get into detail about it.

"I don't know if I ever talked to you about Robert." Jesse said, more like wondered out loud.

"No, I don't think so." She answered easily.

"Well, he's an old friend from Carmel and he's getting married. He invited me a week ago; asked me to be his best man." He took a sip of his drink and then continued on. "What's sad is, we haven't talked since I flunked out of UCLA."

Rachel chuckled at him and shook her head. She could never forget how not similar Jesse seemed to be so often. Sure, they had their love for drama and the arts to share, and because of this they knew a lot of the same things. But with other matters, such as in family and friends, they were so different.

"And what did you say?" Rachel asked.

"I couldn't say no, could I? Besides we _were_ close once, in high school _._ " He spoke of it as if it were a million years ago, but something other than that was what caught Rachel's attention; his face suddenly dimmed in energy, and she had to conclude that maybe a memory had been the cause of it.

"What happened?" She felt like she was prying, but when she drank, she suddenly had less boundaries.

"Oh, you know, what always happens. A girl tore us apart. I'm just glad that he could move past it, even though it took him so long." He smirked at that, and Rachel suddenly was left clueless on his tale.

"You've never told me about any ex-girlfriends of yours." She inquired. Jesse just snorted lightly and gave her a funny look.

"You don't need to know."

"I want to know."

"Well, it is just that, all of them are boring stories." Rachel pouted and stared at him. He took a sip of his drink again and groaned. "Fine, I'll tell you about my other only serious girlfriend besides you."

Normally, Rachel wouldn't want to know about his ex, or any other relationship of his; it wasn't healthy to know how much he had wanted some other girl before or after her. But she was drunk, and eager to find more about Jesse St. James.

"Good."

"Her name is Hannah, lets stay away from last names. She went to Carmel with me, and she was a sophomore when I was a junior. Shelley believed Hannah could fall into beat with me; she was talented and all, but not as much as I am." Rachel smiled at his lifelong cockiness. "After a while of sharing the stage we began to get along and...lets just say I liked her company. She wasn't so much of a girly girl, not at all actually; when we were friends she behaved like some of the guys, even worse, but she was fun to be around so my friends and I took her in and that was that." He paused. "We started dating a month after that year's Regionals and everything was nice for a while, then Robert stepped in the picture. He claimed he wanted her more than I did. Who knows, maybe he was right. But as you know, I'm way too stubborn to do anybody any good; I said I wanted her more and I fought for her, with actual fists. I won, I kept the girl and I lost my best friend, all because of my competitiveness." He sighed. "Three months later we were broken up, and Hannah decided she could no longer share a spotlight with the one that dumped her and supposedly broke her heart."

"Why did you dump her?" It was strange for her, to be able to ask those questions. She trusted him. And he trusted her for being able to tell her this stories.

"It just so happened that I went to check out the competition in some Locals, and I spotted someone that took my breath away." He smiled at her. "I knew I had to get whomever it was that could sing 'Don't Rain on my Parade' like that."

They stared at each other for an instant. She wanted to ask so many things about what he was telling her, but she knew there was nothing to worry or stress about; anyway, they would've ended up in this same bar on Christmas Eve getting to know each other a little better.

"And so, what happened to Hannah?" Jesse chuckled into his drink and licked his lips to answer with a grin.

"She's marrying Robert in February."

* * *

Blaine being in New York made things a little easier on Kurt, his dad had said he would stay in a hotel, waving away the endless begging of Kurt to stay in his apartment, in his room. But Burt had said he had already paid for the hotel. Told Kurt to not worry in the least for his safety. But all his son could think about was that.

His dad had dumped a bomb on him that night, and it hadn't been the best moment to do so, given the date and all the festivities. But he would be going back to Ohio the next day, so he had to. Blaine would be going back with him.

"You're okay?" Blaine asked; he was sitting down on a chair at the dinner table, while Kurt was on his couch, looking at the ground and contemplating what to do next.

"No." He said simply. "My dad has cancer, and there's nothing I can do to help."

"He'll be alright, you'll see."

"He's been about to die once, I almost died with him. I can't handle this and on top of it I have to feel so damn impotent. I can't do anything!"

Blaine instantly stepped up and walked to Kurt. He knew it wasn't the best decision to hug him, because of their status, but at that one moment where Kurt was feeling so miserable, he didn't care. If there was anything Blaine could do to help, was get Kurt through this. But he couldn't do a great job of it from Lima.

"Hey, Kurt. Listen to me; your dad is going to be okay; he's a strong man and he has a wonderful family that'll support him. I know it feels wrong to wait, and do nothing while the doctors work, but you can get past it, you're just as strong or more than your dad is."

The time froze for Blaine after he spoke those words; when it came to Kurt he always knew what to say and how to act. This was because he knew him well, almost entirely. And now that they were broken up he didn't know if it was appropriate to show it. But then Kurt spoke.

"No, he's much stronger than I am. There's no doubt of it." Blaine smiled and watched his troubled blue eyes work their way around the apartment, thinking.

"I'll be there, Kurt, no matter what. If you need help or just talk to someone, don't hesitate on calling, okay?" He nodded his head yes and noticed how Blaine still had an arm around him. He felt protected, safe with him.

"I've missed you." Kurt said, not fully prepared to face why he said it, or if he meant it. But what came next was worse. "But I have a boyfriend."

He didn't know if he was expecting some kind of storm out from his former boyfriend, or some childish fight over nothing and fuzzy feelings. But Kurt was surprised when Blaine said, "I understand." And said nothing after, his support and caring still present.

Kurt realized that maybe Blaine was in his life for good, he didn't know as what exactly, but he hoped he would be there.

"Thank you." He sighed. "For everything, really. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here right now. Rachel's out drinking."

After that last sentence was voiced and exactly one second passed, both of them broke out laughing.

"Oh my god, I never thought I'd hear anyone say that. Ever." Blaine said between laughs.

"If felt so wrong to say it too." Kurt giggled. "Remember the first time she got drunk? In her basement." Blaine grimaced.

"Oh, that party. Everyone was so loud, and I was very confused. And she very drunk."

"I remember wanting to slap her when you two kissed, but back then it was a common thought I had: wanting to hurt her." He chuckled. "Now she's my best friend."

"You're my best friend." The black haired guy said. "You really are. And that's why I don't want to stop talking to you; it has been really hard, Kurt. Like, the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. And I don't want to anymore, please say we can be friends."

Blaine heard Kurt take a deep breath and then blow it out, he sat up straighter on the couch and this time looked completely into Blaine's hazel eyes.

"Rachel and Jesse are trying to be just friends, it's not working and it's not going to work, and here is why: they love each other. And they're suffering. I can't be your friend right now, because I don't want to suffer more than I already have." He stopped and analyzed Blaine's expression, sore and disappointed. "But I trust one day it's not going to hurt anymore, and when that day comes, it'll be time to be friends again."

Blaine nodded and pressed his hands together, knowing Kurt was probably right. Maybe if they tried to be friends right now it would be endless torture. And he couldn't handle any more of that.

"I'm afraid to make you promise." He stated. "I'm going to get my hopes up if you do."

"It's better if I don't"

* * *

"Your turn." Jesse said, a bit tipsy but still very much conscious of what he was saying.

"My turn? What do you want me to say?" Jesse shrugged.

"I don't know, a story that I haven't heard yet." He leaned in. "Tell me a secret."

"Okay." She agreed but remained quiet for a second, thinking of what to say. "When you won at Regionals, your last win, I think I could almost feel happy for you." She frowned and nodded. "No, I was very happy for you. I mean, don't get me wrong, that loss sucked like hell, but it seemed meant to be? You deserved to win too. And I didn't tell this to anyone ever; I think part of that happiness was linked to my feelings for you. They did not go away that easily, contrary to what I made people think; those feelings bugged me for a long time, Jesse." She paused again. "Way too long."

Jesse took a moment to take in what she was saying. He had sworn to himself a very long time ago that the fact Rachel had moved on so quickly was only making him feel less guilty. And he would be a liar if he said this new information didn't feel good; because then he would be saying that being missed and cared for wasn't in any way flattering. But he had never liked seeing this girl suffer, especially when it was because of him. And he could not stress this enough.

"I couldn't stop thinking about you, Rach. When I went away to LA all I could think about was of how much more I would enjoy my life if you were still in it." He confessed this with all certainty, and he watched how Rachel's face softened once again.

"You know, I want to kiss your right now, but I can't." He chuckled at her words.

"And why's that?"

"We're friends, and friends don't kiss." She stated.

"Some friends do; depends really on what kind of friends you want us to be." He whispered the last part. She smirked at him and shook her head.

"You want to kiss me too." Rachel pushed him slightly away as she said this.

"Maybe I do. But you won't be sure until you answer me one last question." He said, a small hesitance worming in between his words.

"Okay, ask away then."

"Do you think you can trust me completely one day?"

To be totally honest she wasn't expecting a question like the one he had just asked; she wasn't expecting anything remotely serious. Neither thought the other was capable of deep, insightful thinking, or that they wanted to hear the other's reply. But, nevertheless, Rachel felt capable enough to answer.

"I think...I think I already have trusted you completely. It's not a matter of me stopping or failing to do so longer. I also don't think it comes and goes. It's complicated, and I think it is for you too. Jess, you and I were built to destroy and get past every obstacle that stands on the way towards our dreams. It's difficult to trust someone when we live like that. But I'll have you know that you're one of the few people in this world that I've grown to believe in; and that means so much more than you can imagine."

He smiled instantly when she finished speaking; knowing precisely that her words came from the heart.

"God, I want to say it again, Rach, so bad." He said, apparently going through pain.

"You can, you know?"

"This friendship is very fragile." Jesse stated. "I mean, all I want to do is break it, but I also want you to be happy." He looked at her expecting expression. "I can't have both."

He took the last sip to his drink and placed the glass on top of the green napkin. There were small pieces of the remaining ice inside the glass, melting slowly; Jesse all but wanted to watch them disappear. He had nothing left to say to her, not about wanting to kiss her and touch her again. Or about how he craved to love her and care for her shamelessly.

"My birthday was especially depressing this year." She said, looking too at her own done drink.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be there, again." He hadn't apologized for that yet, but after they talked he didn't know what boundaries she wanted him to respect. In the end, it hadn't been boundaries that stopped him from seeing her on the 18th.

"No, I understand; your father wanted to see you. It's not so often that he's in town."

"Still, I would've much rather spent the day with you." Rachel smiled at him.

"I would've too. But, Kurt was with me and I had a really long phone conversation with my dads. Mr. Shue called me too. And then Barbra and I had that much needed reunion." Jesse chuckled. "Only, it's the first time I've missed Lima since I left; I've missed the people I lived with there, but never the place. You know what I mean?"

"Not really, Lima did seem quite plain while I lived there. But Akron I've missed." He smirked at her, while Rachel only gave him a hissing stare.

"Anyway, I just wanted to hug my parents and my friends...and you. Also, I was watching the last few scenes of funny girl, so it all made me feel overwhelmed. I missed being 18 for a while there."

He clasped his hand with hers and offered an encouraging smile. "Don't worry, beautiful, being 19 is so much better. I promise."

She snorted slightly. "I don't know about that. At the beginning of the night I was drinking alone, and it's Christmas Eve."

"And you're also Jewish, so it's not that bad." She laughed at his comment and nodded solemnly.

"Tell me then, St. James, what happened with your dad?"

"Same old, Berry, same old." He replied slowly. "He still wants me to run the family business. Eric relapsed, and he says that having an on and off drug addict being the heir of his legacy will be the death of him." He smiled. "So, I'm helping Eric get better."

She shook her head as a smirk popped onto her face. "You're evil."

"Well, Eric actually wants the position, I just want the money. And besides, he does care if the company comes crashing down or not. He made a mistake and it dragged him down, but he can...he _will_ get better."

"Sounds like you care too." She paused. "That if not for your father, for your siblings. You didn't care this much before."

Jesse smiled nostalgically; it was true that he didn't really mind when Eric came home high or when he heard Jessica trying to vomit breakfast through the door. And that was because he actually didn't care. But then he realized it wasn't the same for his siblings.

"I never told you much about my time in LA. Because I didn't want to, but also because I was ashamed of what you might think about me; and back when you were in your junior year, I didn't want you to think that I was capable of that sort of things. I wanted you to think I was perfect."

"You're not, Jess. I'm aware of that and still I..."

"I know. But that wasn't true back then. I drank too much, way too much. I arrived to classes wasted. Once I woke up in downtown without my wallet and my shoes, and for the life of me I couldn't remember how I got there." He paused because it was hard to tell Rachel things he did not want anyone knowing. Also, it killed him to think back. "Eric came to visit me one weekend, he obviously noticed I wasn't sober the majority of the time; decided to call Claire, who is doing very well by the way, and the two of them helped me. It was really astonishing to watch really; they pushed aside whatever they had going in their lives to stop their little brother from becoming an alcoholic."

"Wow."

"Yeah, and I couldn't do the same for them later or ever. But I will now. Eric wants the enterprises and I will help him get them." He said with finality. And this surprised Rachel; she realized she didn't know half the important things about his life.

"Thank you, for telling me that. I actually had no idea you ever went through something like that."

"That's because I didn't want you to know."

"And now you do." She stated. "Why?"

"Because...I believe that what we have today is so much stronger than anything we've ever been capable of building together. I think this can survive a punch or two; and whatever I haven't told you yet won't destroy us when it is out." He smiled at her confidently, hoping deep inside that she'd feel the same.

After she breathed in deep and paused their conversation for a split of a moment, she spoke again, faithfully so. "It won't." She nearly promised. And as Rachel did so, her body leaned in to his; her hand touched his cheek softly and brought his face closer. And it was she who decided that no kiss given tonight could destroy them either.

* * *

However, back in Ohio where the snow wasn't so heavy and Christmas lights weren't so overwhelming to see; someone else was thinking deeply of the girl sitting with Jesse inside of a bar. He too believed the girl was his, and that the girl wanted him back.

In his mind, commanded by melancholy and happy memories brought by the holidays, he was certain that the only thing that was keeping them apart was _him_. He felt Jesse was holding her captive in a relationship that had never had any future or would have, and it was his duty to save her.

In reality, Rachel had broken up with him; Finn had thought she was just confused and that eventually she would find her way back to him. Of course, he also understood that her future lived in New York; his didn't. He was aware of this and very painfully so. But Finn wouldn't give up so easily.

He had finished sealing the last of the invitations when he thought of her again. Mr. Shue and Emma had a wedding coming up and he had volunteered to help out. Then, Will had asked him to be his best man and Finn knew this was a very important position which he could not take lightly. He felt it was his obligation to do everything in his power to make of the day a perfect one. And the fact that Rachel would not have a plus one registered on the list, couldn't possibly affect the beautiful wedding day.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, please review. :)**


	17. Naked

She's waiting inside a janitors closet; waiting calmly for a certain boy who texted her minutes ago. She had never done this. She hadn't ever had sex with someone within school quarters. Given that she could be a bit uptight when it came to breaking the rules. But there were two things that were different this time. One, she was no longer in high school. Two, they couldn't get a moment alone all weekend.

To understand how in heavens she got to that closet, which smelled strongly of cleaning products and heavy chemicals, Rachel would have to go all back to New Years' Eve. And gladly so.

She wasn't going back to Ohio, her parents were still a little short on money and couldn't pay for the flight home. It was okay, nonetheless, because Kurt would be in New York as well and a certain other someone she had yet to tell Kurt about, would be too.

At the beginning, there were just simple texts he sent or smiles at the conversations they had. But then, Rachel started asking him out, like it was the most normal thing in the world. Obviously, this drove her to invite him to her apartment on the 31st; Jesse couldn't fail to be there.

Rachel wasn't certain how simple, innocent kisses transformed into what would be a curse to both of them. As in now, she was hiding in a closet because she wanted to have sex with her ex-boyfriend, who just so happened to spend almost every night with her. Kurt was done with it too, because when the so called 'sleepovers' took place in the apartment he shared with Rachel, he had more than one or two things to complain about.

 _"This can't end well, Rachel." He told her as he joined her in their table, serving himself a bowl with cereal too. "I know I told you to talk to him. But this outcome wasn't exactly what I had in mind."_

 _"I know, Kurt, but there are just some things you can't control." She explained, unsure of how her answer would leave her best friend calm. "And besides," she added, "we're not ready for a serious commitment again, and I think this is a fine way to keep our relationship going for now." Kurt snorted silently into his food._

 _"Like you were an 'on-call girl'?" He teased._

 _"Hey! He comes over too." She stated, merely offended by his comment; too late to realize it was all the same, didn't really matter in whose apartment they met at._

 _"I'm just saying, there has to be a better way. You could be just friends, like the original plan intended." He offered._

 _He was right, Rachel couldn't help but think he was right. And like many other times in life, she would've listened to the person she thought held the right answer. But she was tired of that, what about what she thought was right for herself? This was pure research; what would happen when and if she listened to herself?_

 _"It's not that simple anymore. And we have never been just friends." She remembered herself saying, quoting Jesse even as she didn't notice so._

 _"But you could try." Was the last thing Kurt said to her before placing his plate on the sink and rushing to get ready before he arrived late to work._

It was true too, they could try to be friends and leave all things complicated behind. Live a simpler life outside of drama, like she had dreamed of many times before. But just as she was thinking that, the door to the closet finally opened bringing with it the smell of his cologne and the beautiful sight of his face, then she realized she didn't want to try. Not now, at least.

Jesse threw his messenger bag to the floor, not caring whether it may sting with something questionable. His full attention was on Rachel, who just expectantly stood there in the little light of the single lightbulb.

"You took long enough." Rachel stated, and still as she wanted to sound mad, her grin just wouldn't let her.

He smirked just before he took her face into his palms, bringing her closer to his lips. He kissed her hotly and fast, like he had been waiting so long to do so and this was his first chance. He pulled her waist closer to his own body, needed the contact just as much as she did. He kissed her neck as he managed to trap her against the door.

"I couldn't stop thinking about you; about this." He whispered to her ear, snaking his hands under her thin shirt; roaming her body with his fingers until he got to the hem of her jeans. Stupid cold weather.

The sound of the buttons being undone were all that could be heard, aside from their heavy breathings and some indistinct conversations walking past that door. Jesse finally managed to take Rachel's pants off, leaving her in her panties and that single blouse on top.

She wrapped her legs around his waist, her lips once again assaulting his with desperation. Her hands a shaking mess as she tried to undress him too, failing to do so as he had the same plan. Rachel was left in only her underwear while he stood fully clothed.

"I don't think this is fair." She said, kissing his neck slowly. He smirked, placing one hand firmly on her ass and letting the other wander through the thin material of her parties.

"It isn't?" He asked, now his hand had all but forgotten about any fabric being in its way. He massaged her clit slowly and rhythmically, hearing her breathing speed immediately and a small moan being suppressed. He loved the way she shivered in his arms, melting away with each finger he put inside her and then curled, just in time to hear her muffled cries. That was one thing he hated about having sex in public spaces, they couldn't be as vocal.

"No." She muttered, taking his length into her hand. Two could play the game. She held it, feeling how hard he was against her; feeling herself get wetter once he rocked against her body. She pulled his neck closer to her, placing open mouthed kisses all along his jaw while she teased him endlessly through his pants. Rachel knew this made him crazy; to feel at a loss of control, and how she was the only one capable of taking it from him.

He smiled, all he could think about was kissing her again, making her his again. And all through some rapid motion, he couldn't keep teasing. His pants came undone and his boxers went down. He left Rachel completely naked from the waist down and he couldn't believe how beautiful she was.

He pushed into her, making her moan out loud, correcting her small mistake by biting onto his sweater. He thrusted again, this time aggressively, not caring whether they could be heard outside their little world.

Everything was raw and so intense; she shuddered and cried out each time he entered her, stretching her deliciously. Every few strokes he changed his angle to brush against her clit; her hips jerking against his body unintentionally.

"Jesse." She panted. Unable to remember any other word for the moment being. She kept pronouncing his name as if it was a mantra of her own. Every time he thrusted into her making it more difficult to recall why she had to be quiet.

Her eyes were closed and her mouth busy kissing him, hard. Not able to do anything else but let herself go. "Come, babe." She heard him say, stroking into her one, two, three times more; she cried out loud, not being able to hold it anymore as she came.

Unsure of when he came too, she just felt him fill her whole, not caring anymore. Jesse shuddering too at the intense discharge of pleasure; his arms still holding her on her place between the door and him. He watched her eyes open for him, and he could've sworn he wanted to stay in that place forever. He kissed her flushed cheek chastely and let her down onto the floor.

* * *

 _I'm taking you out tonight._ Said the last text Jesse had sent.

She walked inside her apartment with an unbelievably large smile. Just as she put her phone away, Rachel noticed the not so regular faces around her apartment.

"Quinn! Santana!" She smiled all the same, but this time her face was more surprised than anything. She hadn't talked to both girls in a long time, maybe ever since they all graduated high school. As Rachel hugged them, she couldn't help but wonder what had brought them there; what motive could they possibly have to pay Kurt and Rachel a visit. "Uh, wow, you guys, what are you doing here?"

"Hold up on your excitement, Berry." Santana said, with the smirk that had become her signature.

"Yeah, one may even think you were expecting us." Quinn added. "But since we had to wait close to three hours for one of you two to show up..."

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Kurt must be stuck in work and well, I had to stay a couple of extra hours in school to rehearse. But if you had said anything about coming, we might've actually been here." She paused. "Which brings me to-"

"Yes, Rachel; what the hell are we doing here? And together at that." Santana finished for her. Rachel could only gather as much energy to reply with a sweet smile.

"We have been planning this since Thanksgiving." Quinn explained simply. "I mean, after certain slapping and all that, we had thought to cancel the trip altogether. But then we realized how much we had missed you. And you alone, Rachel, because you weren't there with us for Thanksgiving."

"I know, I was...saving up, a.k.a not ready to go back to Ohio." She confessed.

"To see Finn." Santana offered with a tilt of her head. "Although, Kurt did slip us something about Jesse St. James. Is that still going on?"

Rachel's smile faded immediately, there was no denying that something wasn't making her happy and she wasn't precisely ready to tell Quinn and Santana all about it. Truth be told, she wasn't entirely sure she knew what was going on herself.

"Lets sit down." Rachel said, watching her friends' faces go from zero to worried in a heartbeat.

"Okay, what's going on?" Quinn asked, following Rachel to the couch, alongside Santana.

"Jesse and I, we broke up not too long ago. Turns out that, after all this time, we weren't ready for a relationship, not with each other, that is." She confessed. "On the bright side, we're trying to be friends. But it has been much more complicated than I had imagined it would be."

"It always is, with relationships, Rach." Quinn soothed. "Don't worry."

"And I knew that, girls. But I hoped it would be different this time; we have all this bumpy history together and I thought we had healed and we were ready. I wanted us to be ready." She placed a hand on her forehead. "I feel so stupid."

"I get it, Rachel." Santana said. "Sometimes we crave for something so much, it can hurt a lot when we don't get it."

Rachel only smirked sadly, and laughed softly after. "I wish it were only that, but it's not. I can get over some silly little wanting; I love him." She smiled. "And what I feel with him is different, it has always been different. It's so intriguing, like we're getting to know each other all over again. I think he's exactly what I need right now."

The room was silent as Santana and Quinn got to register the weight of Rachel's words. What she was telling them was not something you said lightly. To actually say all those things out loud, required hours of thinking, consideration and feelings. So it was clear to say that, this time, Rachel Berry did know what she was talking about.

"And you want to be friends with him?" Santana questioned, extremely skeptical. "I'm sorry, but I don't think that's going to be possible." She stated.

"Santana." Quinn reprimanded. "You don't know that, they could make it work."

"Didn't you just hear her?" Santana pushed back. "The girl is in love for Christ's sake, and your tiny, cold heart can't even acknowledge it."

Rachel heard them fight about technicalities and how both of them sensed love. She couldn't help but think that their definitions were far off from where hers stood. She thought love was more than just a feeling, it was something so real and present that it could make you do or say anything for the object of your affection. Love was something raw that couldn't exactly be described, something that flew in the air and caught those who were off guard. Love was something that made it impossible for two people to stay away from the other. It was something overwhelming; it drowned you ocean deep and made sure you felt like flying. Love was something Rachel knew she was feeling.

She sighed, Quinn and Santana weren't going to end their debate any time soon. And for sure when they ended their discussion, they wouldn't remember what they were talking about in the first place. So Rachel, naturally, sat back and enjoyed the witty banters she had missed the most.

Later into the night, just as Kurt had arrived and Santana and Quinn had already filled her in on the details of their lives. Rachel decided she could not stay longer in her apartment; she needed to get to Jesse before he got to her and initiated the hundredth of the awkward conversations she had had with her high school friends.

"Kurt! I'm so glad you're here! Because, you see, we have guests and I have been entertaining them since I got here. I have things to do too, sweetie." She said that last part under her breath, loud enough for only Kurt to hear.

"Are you going to see Jesse tonight, by any chance?" He mocked, he already knew the answer. "I don't think so."

Rachel pouted at him; watching how his pale blue eyes did anything but soften. She considered begging for a second or two, but she knew his best friend was not going to cave.

"Kurt, I promise I'll wash the dishes for a month if you do me this one favor." She pleaded, though uselessly, because Kurt's arms remained folded and his brows furrowed.

"No, the dishes are too small of a payment. I don't want to swallow my thoughts on this anymore, Rach." He raised his voice now, letting their guests peep on a bit of their conversation. Rachel felt her heart skip a bit at this.

"Then name it; whatever you want me to do." He did seem to consider her words.

"It's not that; what I really want you to do is stay, with me and the girls. Stop worrying about your ex." He paused and sighed. "Or whatever you are now."

"Kurt, I want to stay with you but...I made plans too and I can't cancel them." She gulped, she didn't think she would be saying this to anyone any time soon. "My relationship with Jesse is complicated, most of all fragile right now. But I don't want to stop seeing him, it's hard for me to do so. And I'm afraid that if one of us make one wrong turn, it'll all fall apart." She was whispering still, but her best friend could hear her voice crack.

"That's what I'm worried about, Rach; what you just said is not the description of a well-functioning relationship. Even when you're supposed to be apart." He grabbed her hand slowly. "I just...I don't want you to end up hurt. I think we've had enough heartbreak for a year." Rachel smiled sadly at this and squeezed her friend's hand.

She only nodded slowly and gave in to Kurt's wanting. They both turned around to look at two of their best friends whom were smirking at them. Rachel then decided she could handle whatever conversation came upon her; whatever opinion her friends decided to voice.

* * *

It was Santana who opened the door at exactly 10:15 that night. She saw him standing there, with hands in his pockets and a beige sweater covering him up. He looked at her then; someone he hadn't spoken to in close to two years. Someone he knew hated him.

Rachel stood up right away, leaving aside her cup of coffee and forgetting all about Quinn's gossip. She walked to Santana's side, who still hadn't said anything, much to everyone's surprise. And then, her eyes moved to Jesse's confident smile, not at all surprised by the presence of both Quinn and Santana.

"Hey." He said, relaxed as could be. All Rachel wanted to have at the moment was his calmness and confidence. He knew what he was there to do: pick up Rachel and take her to dinner, hopefully having her to himself all night. But he was also aware he had to answer a few questions before leaving with his girl.

"St. James, fancy seeing you here. Uh, in the house of your ex?" He chuckled at Santana's catty tone; it was left clear that she wanted a verbal spare, like in good old times. But he wasn't going to give in. He wanted it to be different this time.

"It's nice to see you too, Santana. I'm taking my ex out tonight, if that serves for an explanation." Santana now frowned, completely caught off guard with this new information. "Hey, Rach." Jesse grinned at her and winked.

It was out of Rachel's hands at that moment; she smiled, oh, she smiled that goofy smile she makes when she wants to kiss someone and she feels her heart is bumping out of her chest. Kurt and Quinn caught sight of this, knowing very well she was far too gone by now.

"I don't know about that, St. Jerk. We just got here, and I think Rachel owes us part of her valuable time." Santana intervened again. Still unaware of what both Kurt and Quinn had witnessed. Nobody noticed, but Jesse flinched slightly at the very old nickname.

"Let Rachel decide then." Jesse said with ease, although his voice had turned colder in a second. He still didn't find Santana intimidating; after all those years he was the one who only gave her a funny look after she finished her angry rants. He remained to be one of the few people who weren't afraid of her once she started yelling.

"Fine." She said.

Both pair of eyes were now on Rachel, and everyone knew she didn't act that well under pressure, so Kurt decided to step in.

"Hey, we're all friends here. Why don't you stay, Jesse? The more the merrier, right?" Kurt side glanced to Rachel, who still looked anxious.

"Uh, sure." He answered, trying to get some kind of clearance from Rachel. And just as he was about to step inside the apartment, he got the exact opposite from her.

"You know what guys; Jesse and I had plans. I'm sorry, but what if we take you on a big tour around the city tomorrow?" She paused. "It'll be so much fun, in the daylight and all. You'll love it."

Jesse and Rachel were already gone by the time any of her friends could say a word. Santana still stood there, confused as could be.

Kurt sighed and shook his head in disapproval. "I like the idea of the two together, just not like this." He told his friends.

"He's trying to win her back." Quinn stated.

"He has her, Quinn, make no mistake." He rolled his eyes and snorted as he said this. "I mean, that look in her face alone gives me a toothache." Quinn chuckled at his words and sipped her cup of coffee calmly.

"We need to save her." Stated Santana.

"From what?" Asked Quinn skeptical.

"Let it be, Santana. Rachel knows what she's doing." The angry woman shook her head, not believing how incompetent her friends could be.

"Wake up. She's getting into a toxic relationship and we need to get her out of it now." She sighed. "Or else she'll be trapped in it forever."

"Come on, it's Jesse St. James. She knew what she was getting into." Quinn argued. Of course, that she wouldn't know how much Jesse had changed. They hadn't heard the entire story, but they had always been good with jumping into conclusions.

"Okay then, you don't want to help; don't call me when another egg is cracked on her forehead." Kurt rolled his eyes.

"You're letting your anger speak for you again, Santana. We all know you resent Jesse for some reason. But this time you don't get to intervene in Rachel's life; she knows how to make her own decisions." Kurt stepped up for his best friend. He may not have been the greatest fan of Jesse when he first got to New York, but the guy wasn't all that bad, or at all. "I thought all you cared about was seeing her be happy, at least that was what you said."

"Yes, I want her to be happy. But she was destroyed when she was talking to us about her relationship with him. It's not okay. I can understand the intensity of lingering feelings, but it's not right to go after them when you know it's not going to make anybody any good."

"Let her make her mistakes." Kurt pushed.

"Fine, I'll speak to her by myself. But you have to understand where I'm coming from; I'm just trying to protect Rachel. Jesse broke an egg on her forehead and then-"

"Took her to prom?" Kurt finished.

"You're defending him." Santana stated. "Why?"

"They're going through a weird phase right now but, he loves her, truly. I just want that for my best friend is all." Quinn smiled at Kurt.

"What do you think, ice queen?" Santana asked.

"I'm glad she's not marrying the quarterback before graduation. I'll take St. James for now." She said.

Santana couldn't honestly believe them; they had watched on and on how Rachel had suffered for that jackass and still, they dared to defend him. Sure, it's been a few years, but to her, he would always be that same guy who was annoyingly self-absorbed and way too cocky for his own good. In conclusion, she didn't like him, not one bit. So he couldn't be with Rachel, not like this.

* * *

They were outside a restaurant, waiting for their table to be ready, Jesse was looking at the street in front of them, like he was waiting for something to emerge from the ground. Rachel, in change, was looking at him; she didn't know if he was mad or confused or tired, his face indicated he was all of the above. And she didn't know how to break their silence. At first, when they had exited her building he had let out the tiniest of snorts and then shook his head, like in disappointment. She didn't know what to think of it.

She considered asking about it for a while, but she expected something to happen first: their table to be ready or maybe a phone call that would make all of the tension go away. But that wasn't going to happen, she knew this because she was familiarized with her bad luck; and nothing ever happened to remotely help her live her life.

Drama was always there, one way or another, she thought. And for a while she believed that this was because of her; that this was her fault. Sure, sometimes she was at a loss for words, maybe even acted the wrong way. But she had never intended to hurt someone badly, never in her whole life. Now, with the gained experience she had, she knew not to crave for control in life; that things happened because they had to.

"I wasn't going to ask but, did you ever tell your friends about us?" His question came before she even knew it, and she had to pause her thinking to analyze what he had just said, if she had heard him right.

"Yes." One word answers under pressure. Always.

"Really? Because it didn't seem that way at all back there." Her eyes were wide, now she was sure, he _was_ mad. "I mean, I get that they don't like me because I criticized their singing in high school, the egg thing too. But that was years ago."

"Well, they're not good at the whole forgive and forget thing, Jesse." She tried to explain.

"See, I don't think that's the reason. I do think they still hate me because you didn't tell them all about what happened here." He pushed. Rachel took a big intake of air; so this was happening again, a fight.

"I didn't tell them anything at all."

"There it is, I knew it. I've been an asshole, Rachel, we've stated that long ago. But I believe I've changed in the last year or so, and even more when we were together, I really tried." He said.

"Jesse, I don't know why you care about what my friends think about you." She frowned. "You should only care about what I think."

"My friends don't have you in a bad concept, Rach, even the ones from Vocal Adrenaline, and I think it does matter. Your friends are like your family to you, don't think I haven't noticed, and if your family doesn't like me, this isn't going to work." He paused. "It isn't going to work at all."

"Hey, your friend Erin hates me, she has even lied to me several times to make us break up; she has succeeded once." He rolled his eyes.

"Erin isn't my friend anymore." He stated. "And I will hate myself for saying this but, I think part of why Finn keeps calling you is because you didn't ever tell anyone about the reality of our relationship, except for Kurt."

"You can't honestly believe that. Finn is part of the past, one would think you had gotten that by now."

"Rachel, it has been only months since you two broke up, and you were engaged. I just...I'm starting to think that you still want another chance with Hudson is all. Because if not, then why didn't you ever tried to make your friends come around the idea of us?" She gulped at his words; she didn't know what to think, or what to say for that matter. Rachel wanted to prove him wrong, but he was right, it had only been months and she had forgotten all about Finn romantically, but what if it had been too fast? "Maybe you didn't want all that trouble for nothing?"

"Jesse-"

"I don't want to be that guy again in your life, and I'm not picking for a fight here, I don't want that, truly. But if there's only space for me in your heart as the rebound guy, I guess...I guess I'm not going to take the spot this time." He said, his voice less agitated, he had finally found the words to express his worry. "I may have gotten good at dealing with your rejection over the years, but I can't handle it now, I'm way too involved."

"Jesse, I don't think about him that way anymore, and I don't want you worrying over nothing; he's a friend or will be one eventually..."

"I'm supposed to be your friend too, is it the same kind of friendship with him?"

"No! Of course not, he's my ex-boyfriend and sure, there will always be something between us: affection? I don't know, but Finn and I have shared a lot of things and I can't just cut him out of my life, Jesse, I'm sorry."

"You can't cut him out the way you did me?" He questioned.

"It's different." He nodded, he understood and he wasn't stupid.

"Different how?"

"I don't know, it just is. I don't have the words for it, okay? But that shouldn't be a problem because that's between Finn and I, and all I care about now is you and I, Jesse."

"Great, Rachel, only, it is a problem. The way I see it, you just told me you can't be just friends with him neither and there will always be something lingering between you two. And I know you still talk to him, so-"

"No, I...you're hearing what you want to hear."

"Maybe, or maybe you're finally telling me the truth." He bit his lip and looked inside the restaurant. "I don't think we should keep this going. Behaving like a couple when we're supposed to be classmates."

"Classmates?" She repeated, not believing what she was hearing.

"I can't be your friend, and I can't be your boyfriend until you have this thing sorted out. And I think I have to apologize to you, you asked me for time and-"

"I texted you."

"Yeah, still, I should've been stronger. I have to learn to be stronger when it comes to you." He put his hands inside his pockets. "You have to consider whether you want your friends to get to know me as who I am now, or whether you want them to think of me as the guy who keeps you apart from Finn." He took her hand in his. "I can play both parts perfectly, Rach, but you have to give me a callback." Jesse gazed into her eyes, watching how she didn't intend to speak anymore and walked away from her.

"Miss, your table is ready." A waitress was holding the door open for her, looking around the restaurant for that handsome young man who had been waiting too.

Rachel didn't reply, she just stood there, wondering how and why that had happened, and cursed her bad luck for the hundredth time in her life. Maybe if she hadn't listened to Kurt hours earlier...

That didn't matter anymore, she had to think about the conversation that had just ended. She turned around and walked back home, leaving a very confused waitress behind.

* * *

"So, they got into fight?" He asked, smiling. "What was it about?"

"I don't know, she didn't get into much detail, but your name was mentioned." She replied. "Kurt's talking to her and I've been sent out to run some errands."

"Well, that's great, that means she still cares about me." Finn concluded. "I still have a chance to win her back."

"It doesn't necessarily means that, Finn." She tried to put that idea into his head, but she had always known the guy was stubborn.

"Come on, Rachel's been head over heels for me since sophomore year, that doesn't go away so quickly."

"It's been different for Rachel here, she has other things to think about besides glee club and the cute football player. Life's changing."

"She loves me." Finn insisted. "The wedding's going to be soon and the invitations have been sent, it may be a couple of days before it arrives to New York, and I need you to be there when she opens it. Make sure St. Jackass isn't there with her, if that's even a problem by then." She frowned.

"Why?"

"I took the liberty of leaving a little message inside her invite." He chuckled. "It's sort of romantic." She rolled her eyes.

"Okay, Finn. But I'm not going to be your little Valentine's slave."

"Yes, thank you."

"And I can't guarantee anything. If she gets back with Jesse by the time your little creepy message gets here, don't blame me." Finn sighed at the other end of the line.

"You said you would talk to her, Santana." He smiled again. "You can be pretty persuasive, as I recall."

"Well yeah, but at the end of the day, Hudson, the heart wants what the heart wants."

* * *

 **The rating´s changed, I know. Well, after a long time and another blocking, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Thanks for reading**


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